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Original poster

Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

278 replies

Margielodi · 20/03/2019 12:14

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

OP posts:
Demaindeslaube · 22/03/2019 08:14

@LifeIsToughMate Yes , he sent me flower when I was ill , visited me, rang me. I remember the ex best friend telling me " Tell me when he will be coming because I don't want to see his nasty face".

When I came back, and heard the rumour , I asked him and he just confirmed : " Yes X and I are together" and laughed. But I guess if she told the colleagues that I'd fallen wit her because I liked him, she probably told him too. Weirdly, he still talks to me at lunch only when she's not around though. He texts me too. Trivial stuff about his life. I have not seen him outside work since I came back though.

I have applied for another position.

Weepingwillow5 · 22/03/2019 08:27

Good luck OP
You sound like you are behaving with dignity .
Your friend sounds like she isn’t . Your other colleagues though will realise that , if you just continue to act with dignity and get on with your job .
Your friend sounds like she is really quite a nasty piece of work . There are much better friends out there . I hope you have some good ones in RL . I know you said you had a sister . So I hope you’ll be out and about with other friends this weekend.
If the man is keeping in contact as a friend then just continue as you are .
Treat other people how you want to be treated . It may sound trite , but it works . This friend certainly doesn’t . People do ultimately get what they deserve .

NameChangeNugget · 22/03/2019 08:39

No one who calls themselves a friend would do what your so called friend has done to you. 3.5 Billion men on the planet and she stabs you in the back like that.
She hasn’t got your back

Moondancer73 · 22/03/2019 08:49

Plainly she liked him all along and didn't say anything. She's no friend though, when she knew how much you liked him and she waited until you were sick to move in then blocked you. I'd move on, put it down to experience. She's obviously no friend.

browneyes77 · 22/03/2019 09:04

What also strikes me about all this, is that this guy was also supposed to be your good friend. He would’ve obviously known you two girls were pals, so why didn’t he tell you himself that he was seeing her? That makes him as bad as her in my book.

HotpotLawyer · 22/03/2019 09:10

Walk away with these lessons:
Next time you like someone, let them know. Make a small move.
Next time someone repeatedly slags off someone you like, stand up for them.
Next time you hear someone making disablist and homophobic comments to slag someone off realise that they do not have good ethics or behaviour and are dubious best friend material.

Maybe work in your self esteem.

Weepingwillow5 · 22/03/2019 09:19

I also wanted to say be careful about leaving a job where you’ve worked for 3 years and will presumably have acquired employment rights for just any job . Make sure it’s one you really want . Think about some training if that will help - it will also help take your mind off this situation .

LunafortJest · 22/03/2019 09:42

@Stompythedinosaur So a few decades ago, when people were virgins until their wedding night, they weren't in love, because they weren't 'intimate' yet? Do you realise how stupid that sounds? Juat think about what you're saying, ok? You are supposed to be in love enough to be intimate - beforehand. You don't get intimate with some random and then decide after screwing them you are in love. The in love part is supposed to come BEFORE the intimacy. Unless it is jsut a one night stand or friends with benefits.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/03/2019 10:28

Luna I've refrained from insulting you, I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult me.

In response to your comment, I don't think that intimacy is primarily about sex, I think it is about sharing you private thoughts and aspects of your character.

But I'll leave the discussion here as I think you are being very rude.

Belenus · 22/03/2019 10:30

I didn't read Stompy's post as being about sexual intimacy necessarily. I do think an emotional intimacy and closeness has to develop before you can really fall in love with each other.

Also, I wouldn't get too fixed on the idea of people being virgins until their wedding night. Historians who have examined parish records have found many marriages that took place 7 months before a birth - far too many to be explained by premature babies. In fact it seems this may have been a policy - don't publish the bans until a woman is pregnant, or you don't know you'll get the heir you want.

Likewise, it is somewhat misty eyed to assume that all marriages in the past were based on love. Many weren't, particularly middle-class marriages and upper class marriages which were often little more than property transactions. Love might have grown within them, but the idea of love matches being pretty much universal is very recent.

chuttypicks · 22/03/2019 12:06

Grow up @Margielodi . Admittedly she was a crap friend to go with the man you like, but he wasn't actually yours anyway! You should've made a move if you were that 'in love' with him. You sound like a teenager, a silly little jealous girl.

TooManyBiscuitsNotEnoughTea · 22/03/2019 12:36

You had 3 years to get in there first. She was probs trying to put you off him

browneyes77 · 22/03/2019 12:49

@chuttypicks

Grow up @Margielodi . Admittedly she was a crap friend to go with the man you like, but he wasn't actually yours anyway! You should've made a move if you were that 'in love' with him. You sound like a teenager, a silly little jealous girl.

Wow, you sure you’re not the friend?

notacooldad · 22/03/2019 12:58

Delete the messages, if you are daft enough to send them it would cause no end of trouble for you at work.

If you show the messages that have been sent he will see what you have pit as well for context. If I saw those texts about me I would think you were a super freak!

Get new friends and grow up and move on.

pollymere · 22/03/2019 17:59

She obviously realised you had a point. However, if you loved him on an equal plane, I suspect you'd have made a move my now, or he would've. If not, and its made you realize how much you like him wait until she tires of him and then enjoy her leavings, or plaster a smile on your face when they get married and find someone worthy of you. Love unfortunately doesn't always get returned. And remember often men are stupid and you need to tell them or make the first move.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/03/2019 18:36

I wonder has she mean lies to him about you.
It sounds like he was interested in you, he was very caring. Keep your dignity, if they don't work out and it turns out he was into you, remember one woman's trash is anothers treasure.

Demaindeslaube · 23/03/2019 14:19

@browneyes77 Thank you for your kind words. A bit of update, he's now texting me everyday. I asked him if it wouldn't make X angry. He replied that he sees who he wants, and we don't have to tell her. So I am so confused now.

JoinedTheDarksideForKylo · 23/03/2019 14:53

Run away from that shit storm. Just run OP.

He's seeing her, flirting with you?! He's obviously either trying to wind you up and she's in on it and they are laughing at your expense or he's a cheating dick.

both options are bad (especially as this is your work place). Don't be sucked in.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/03/2019 15:02

After your update he is a total player using both of you for his ego.

LifeIsToughMate · 23/03/2019 18:35

Maybe he sees her as a good friend and doesn’t like how the other one is hurting her, isolating her and bullying her.

Is he texting you as a friend or is he now realising that you have feelings for him and is being all lovey dovey?

LifeIsToughMate · 23/03/2019 18:41

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he is manipulating OP.. however l, I would still say OP given all the rumours that she raised about you at work and how you want to snatch this guy off her and jealous, I think you need respectful distance from this man for your own sake.

If the messages are all respectable and all about normal things and not obsessive then ok. I don’t think you owe the other girl
To let go of your friendship for her sake and to step back.

However for your own sake, keep a distance until you know what this guy wants. If he sees you as a friend only and u don’t then you need the distance to get over him.. if he sees you as more than that then he should do something about it and why is he messing around with another girl..

The other girl knows you love him so will be saying everything possible to him to make you look trash.. so behave with dignity.. if you are ready to expect her creating stories about her to u then ok.

Since you are talking to him I would tell him
Though that as your friend you expect him to not let her paint a bad image about you to him
And to verify with you because you believe that’s what she is doing. At least you owe that to yourself.

LifeIsToughMate · 23/03/2019 18:48

Perhaps you should just tell him the truth send step back.

“Dear friend, your gf and I have been discussing for a while that I have feelings for you. I am compelled to tell u this because I know she is now putting a spin on to things and I feel you should hear things from me.

It is absolutely fine with me that you two are together and are happy but the way “friend” treated me was so dishonest and disrespectful and has betrayed my trust in her and told everyone humiliating things I told her In the past so she can push me away.

I want you to know that I absolutely have no intention to jeopardise your happiness and relationship. And even though we were friends but I think I should respectfully step back now as the way ex friend is behaving is putting me in trouble at work and will probably create unreasonable tension between me and you.

I will move on soon. Just need some space. Things happen and I’m mature enough. So please try not to get me in trouble at work by doing things that get your gf jealous or suspicious of me because she has been putting a dark spin on things I once confided in her and will probably see everything in a bad light now.

She has threatened to report me to HR for harassment if I ever speak to her even though I haven’t said anything.. I understand that she wants to push me away so I won’t be a third wheeler.. I will respect that despite the hurtful things she has done to me.

Bye for now , will be applying for a new job and hope you can respect my decision to keep my distance.

I’m happy for you both..

Lweji · 23/03/2019 18:53

He replied that he sees who he wants, and we don't have to tell her.

It's one or the other.

Don't be part of a secret that could be interpreted in any way as cheating.
If he wants to be friends with you, then it should be in the open.

So, I'd block his number if he keeps texting you.

RedSuitcase · 23/03/2019 18:53

It all sounds petty and childish, not a good foundation for a strong relationship between any of you. He's acting like a prick too.

At a guess you are all in your early twenties, if not younger?

VBT2 · 23/03/2019 19:13

OP, you sound like a nice person. I agree that this isn’t the way you should treat a friend, but obviously this woman is not a real friend to you.

Find a new job, find some new people who will treat you as well as you would them. You owe these people nothing, and there is happiness and love out there for you and you deserve to find it.

It sounds like you could also do with working on your self esteem. My advice is to focus on you for a bit - go dating, find new hobbies, work out what you want from a job that isn’t time spent in a workplace infatuation. Most of all, don’t waste your time of friends who aren’t worth it.

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