Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

[Margielodi]

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

Belenus. Sorry, i re-read what you wrote.

My husband is a wonderful man. Nobody who meets him thinks he's not a great man to be around. He doesn't need me to talk about him so others will think well of him.

He's nice looking, well built, kind, funny and smart. All those things are apparent upon meeting him.

Any more information is private. I think young women often "over share" about bfs.

I talked about his finer points to my friends initially. (Not sex!) As OP suggested she may have waxed poetically about the "not bf." I don't think we need to do that.

I would certainly set anyone straight about him if they thought badly of him or thought i did. His elder, protective sisters approve of me and how i treat him. That's enough for me.

Do not show him the messages, it will only end badly for you. Move on with dignity - you all have to work together! Don’t shit on your own doorstep.

I think people are being over harsh on you OP.

You were friends with this man well enough to get to know him and develop strong feelings for him.

When she slagged him off, I think it’s because she fancied him herself and was actually trying to put you off him.

And I know some are saying she didn’t do anything wrong, but whatever happened to girl code? At that age and even now at age 41, there was always a rule between girl friends that you do not go after someone that another girl friend has dated, is dating, fancies etc. You just don’t do it.

And if you do have a connection with a guy that is too strong to ignore, then you do the decent thing and talk to your friend about it. She went about it the cowardly way. Seems like she tried to put you off him by slating him, waiting until you were out of the way to get her flirt on and then blocked you so she wouldn’t have to face your hurt and questions.

Regardless of whether people here think you were in love or had a crush, the fact remains you had strong feelings for this man, that your friend 100% knew about and she didn’t have the decency to talk to you about it when she got with him, which would have been the kind and moral thing to do.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t send him the messages. As others have said she’ll only say she was trying to put you off because she liked him (which is clearly true anyway) and you’ll be the one who ends up looking like the bad guy and the psycho.

Do not show him the messages, it will only end badly for you. Move on with dignity - you all have to work together! Don’t shit on your own doorstep

I have always been a big believer in this and it’s a moto ive always lived by, which is why I’ve always steered clear of dating/getting involved with people I work with!

It’s too messy if it all goes tits up because you then you have to see that person everyday!

Years ago, a boyfriend got me a job where he worked when I got laid off from mine. It was only ever meant to be a temporary stop gap and not something permanent which is why I took it. Literally a couple of days after I got the job he broke up with me and I had to spend the next 2 months working with him whilst I was looking for a new job. And to add insult to injury, he’d told everyone at work his girlfriend was starting but didn’t tell them we’d broken up so I had to go into this new job with everyone saying “oh you’re M’s gf, nice to finally meet you!” I was so embarrassed and raw with hurt, I didn’t have the balls to say we’d split. It was the worst 2 months ever!! Was literally running out the door when I got a new job!

First of all, as I said earlier , I know him outside work. I have been out with him on weekends, already been to his house , met his brother. I had lunch many times with him, and listened to him telling me about his life, hobbies , tastes. He invited me to his place several time to watch a movie. So NO, I don't only know him at work. I should have told him I liked him yes yes, I am immature. I understood. But you do not know if what I feel is love or not. How would you know what I feel ? Some folks here are so condescending.

Today at work was so awful. Colleagues noticed that her and I weren't talking. She told everyone that "I had a crush on him" and that's why now I won't talk to her because I am super jealous and bitter. Which is a lie because she is the one who ignores me. I had two co-workers telling me " Anyway he was too old for you". I feel so embarrassed. I don't even want to go back to work.

Oh by the way I changed my name, but I am the OP.

And I should have mentioned this before, maybe it's relevant, but she had a partner during all these years. She has been single for less than 6 months. So how would I have known she wanted him ?

That's pretty shit. I would polish that CV and start applying for jobs ASAP!

or just hand in your notice and go travelling YOLO

Demaindeslaube Maybe she wasn't interested until she was single, which is shitty of her.
You will get over this, you'll be stronger for it too.

You must be heartbroken and constantly thinking about them. It stings and is raw.

It will get better but don't turn your feelings -and your feelings were genuine-into a side show for others to gossip about. Your emotions are your private affair, they aren't there for the amusement of others. So, as others have said, be dignified.

Your ex friend sounds like a piece of work and is probably enjoying having you as an audience so ignore her and find a new post as quickly as possible.

Have a bouquet of flowers delivered to yourself at work, with just an X on the card. Give them something else to talk about!

When you have a new job,. you will start to feel better when you are out of their orbit.

First of all, as I said earlier , I know him outside work. I have been out with him on weekends, already been to his house , met his brother. I had lunch many times with him, and listened to him telling me about his life, hobbies , tastes. He invited me to his place several time to watch a movie. So NO, I don't only know him at work

I know, I acknowledged that in my first post to you where I said I thought people were being too harsh on you.

Your ‘friend’ (I use that term loosely), sounds like a real piece of work. What she’s done here is got in there first and painted you as the unreasonable one, before you got chance to ‘out’ her for her own behaviour.

She knows she would hurt you by dating this man and instead of talking to you, she’s blocked you and then made out to work that you’re the one being mean to her. And I’m guessing she’s also done that in the hope you’ll feel so embarrassed you’ll want to leave and then she doesn’t have to face you anymore.

IMO, it doesn’t matter that you weren’t in relationship with this man and yes maybe he wouldn’t have been interested in you anyway, but she KNEW you liked him. And instead of just being honest and telling you she liked him too, she’s just behaved in a very shady way instead.

Frankly, you sound better off without a ‘friend’ like this. A half decent friend would’ve discussed it with you and told you herself so you wouldn’t find out from other sources.

Right now I can totally understand that you feel betrayed by your friend. But trust me, you will move on from this

I think you should take it up to HR before she does. This is basically slander.

I'm in the minority but I say do it what do you have to lose? Just remember that you won't exactly prove anything or make any changes but will only give yourself some satisfaction. She's blocked you already so it's not like you're losing a friend. Maybe making yourself look like a bit of a bitch but who cares?

I think they’ve been in a relationship a lot longer than you realised.

I also think your level of stalking is pretty high and you should probably seek some support with that, genuinely.

Sorry but your bar is set really low - why would you want to be friends with someone who speaks like that about any other person, let alone a guy she knows you have really strong feelings for and who she hangs out with.

She's then let you walk into the massive shock of him and her being together with no warning, then ditched you and is now telling lies about you.

She's a really nasty, ignorant and stupid person. She was never your 'best friend' and you have lost nothing but a big dose of toxicity. Thank your lucky stars and move on as best you can.

I wouldn't do it... but I might threaten to, to make her shut up.

Something casual like 'Yes I did have a crush on him. And you certainly worked very hard to discourage me by pointing out his flaws didn't you? If you don't remember, I still have all the messages... '

This is basically slander.

It would be if it wasn't true. And she can prove it.

I don't think it's a good idea to confide too much with office friends about office romances or other friends, anyway.
That is why when I started on an office romance, we kept it quiet and still don't show off too much or share too much with other people at work. Because too many things can already go wrong with the office romance per se.

Op find the gut to get closure.

Go to HR tell them what happened, cover your own back. Show them the messages and let them know that because of the thread she made against you , and the slander and humiliation she is causing you in the office, you feel like you need to confront her but that before you do so you want to cover your own back.

Find a time when they’re both there, and then tell her: “people told me you were telling them I stopped talking to you because I’m jealous. Yes I had a crush on him (make sure he is there), but you put me off him. I have all the messsges to prove it. Shall we run through them?”

Then look st him and say “ just so you know, anything this girl tells you about me, you need to verify with me. She has said enough about you behind your back for me to realise she is a two face, I have proof but I’m not petty enough to show you as I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I can assure you that her reactions towards me are mere insecurity because of what I know that you don’t.

Yes I had fancied you for a quite a while. But I’m a big girl and you get to choose who you want in life. She was my confidant, and that’s why she is so bloody insecure now that she is humiliating me in the workplace.

I’m happy for you both, but what I’m not happy with is how I’m being treated by ex friend and how she is using all the confidential things I’ve told her against me.

I’m not here to turn you against her, I hope you too work it out. But I at least considered you a friend and I don’t want her painting a humiliating image of me to you.

I shall give you both space, I’m applying for a new job. As I clearly don’t have friends in this one. But I wanted to set the record straight before I move forward”.

If you don’t say it to them in their face, I would at least send it to them both as an email with them both as recipients.

But first apply for a new job. Then send this. Or at least notify HR to cover your back.

You owe yourself some closure, but don’t compete for this man. He isn’t worth it as he too hid things from you and allowed your friend to treat you this way.

OP I get it. I'm 40 now but when I was bit younger than you I was madly in love with a lad who lived across the road. If we were ever on a night out together or we crossed paths we'd always end up kissing. He was always very affectionate and sometimes would come to my house just to sit and hold hands. I would have happily been his girlfriend but he never asked. I was a size 18 and back then lads wouldn't be seen dead with me. My bff at the time used to slag him off (and his family). We all bumped into each other at the pub and to cut a long story short they got together. She thought I didn't know. She rang me at work to confess. She was incredulous when I said I knew. She was like yeah right! Erm, I see him (the guy you slagged off whenever I mentioned him) coming in and out of your house when I'm going to and from work. You have this weird smile and look when I mention him. Of course I knew.
She binned me off after a month or two and as he seemed to have moved into her house I never saw him. I saw him once on a night out and he came over for a hug and chat. I was gutted to lose him as a friend and I blamed her. But as I got older I realised that he was just as bad. He knew I liked him and would spend time with me of his own accord. When this tall blond haired size 8 woman shows an interest of course that's me gone. He accepted her vile behaviour towards me (well he did nothing to stop her). 20 years on they're still together. They eloped. Had kids. Moved area etc but they are forever splitting up and getting back together and it's all very unsettling for the kids. Just get on with your life. Start saying a cheery hello to her as you pass. Make it seem like you're in a rush to get somewhere after work. Making it seem like you've moved on and seem happy (you can still wallow in your hurt privately) is good solid revenge. Concerning your job could there be another floor/area you could move to? Otherwise look around for something else. I know people are saying she's done nothing wrong but it was still a dick move on her part. Not having her dangle her "prize" in front of you will help.

Sorry about the wall of text. I swear I did paragraphs

Don't show him. Even if he splits up with her as a result (which is unlikely) I doubt he's suddenly going to ask you out. No doubt the reason she was being so rude about him was to put you down, and that may be part of the reason she's going out with him now.

I used to have long-term crushes on people all the time, I know how hopeless it feels. But you need to find things to fill up your life NOW, rather than dreaming about a future relationship. Do you have any interests you could get involved in? Not with a view to meeting a bloke, but maybe just to meet a few more people of either sex to take your mind off these two?

Clearly if he fancied you he would have given out vibes. You were gone for a relatively short period and they are posh and becks. Move on fuck them both off, they are well suited pair of trolls. You can bet your arse she has told him about you. Not at first but she will love to gloat based on her shitty behaviour. Stay where you are working use it as a career springboard. Get out and meet someone else who will love you. xxxx

I agree with @motherofcreek - I'd send him the messages and then draw a line under the whole thing. You wouldn't do yourself any favours by making up with either of them now, so I would go with exposing her earlier behaviour to him. Even if she explains it as tactics to get him, those comments will make him doubt her and they both deserve that.

Op is the guy still speaking to you as a friend or is he avoiding you too??

Have you tried to talk to him? About anything else not necessarily his new girlfriend?

Has he been reaching out when you were ill? Has he tried talk to you after you returned ? In a friendly way??

You said you were close friends before, what happened now ?

His position would help decide whether the issue is your ex friend only or what.

No, just leave them to it.
She probably feels guilty about seeing the man you had feelings about, hence the blocking. Pretty shitty behaviour on her part but you have no claim on him.
If she’s as bad as she sounds, it won’t last for long. If you really have feelings for this man, I’d wait til they split then after a bit of time, make a move, see if he could feel the same. Learn the lesson, talk to him. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way, you can move on instead of being stuck in crush limbo. After her behaviour I wouldn’t let her (then previous) relationship with him stand in your way.