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Original poster

Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

278 replies

Margielodi · 20/03/2019 12:14

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 21/03/2019 18:19

Oh that hurts. That really hurts.

I mean, does she have a right to have a relationship with him? Yes. And is it heartbreaking that he didn't fall for you? Yes.

But the way she spoke about him and her behaviour tells you exactly who she is. She's a snake in the grass, not for dating 'your' guy, but for the way she's gone about it. Just really, really crooked.

I'd look for a new job. Sounds dramatic, I know. But what can you do? You need change. Change will help you heal and recover. I know he wasn't your boyfriend, but still the heart aches and it will ache for a while. If you can move environments, it will help you to move on.
And stop looking at their photos. In fact, this is a great time to take a break from Facebook. Logout or disable your account temporarily. This really, really helps. I cannot emphasize this enough. When your brain is telling you to 'have a peek at them photos', make sure your mouth tells you firmly, "NO. STOP!" Don't go there.

And of course, no don't bother with the messages. Don't bother with them. Silence is golden. Keep your powder dry and your path clean.

Margot33 · 21/03/2019 18:21

No I agree with the others, do not show him these messages. You had 3 years to ask him out, when were you ever going to instigate anything?! "You snooze, you lose." They don't owe you anything. Learn an important lesson here, if you like someone next time then ask them out, before someone else jumps in there

OnlineAlienator · 21/03/2019 18:22

This is really awful and painful for you but you cant show the messages, that tips you firmly into Jealoys Crazylady territory and you would be the one who looks bad.

I would act normal. and wait for them to break up then pounce

UniversalAunt · 21/03/2019 18:34

This is your workplace.
You have much more at stake than your wounded pride & the betrayal by an erstwhile friend.

Be the better person.
Be the smarter employee.
Lick your wounds in private, punch some sofa & hold your head high.

Do NOT send messages.
Delete messages so you cannot a) dwell on this & b) send when pished etc.
Chalk this up to experience.
Look for another job.
Move on.

You are 21.
Learn from this as an adult.
You cannot make a person want you.
You cannot stop other people wanting each other.
Let them get on with it.

Orangecookie · 21/03/2019 18:44

I think you need to boost your own confidence and get in the game. As in, start asking men out! Or dating.

Long crushes are just that, and you can envision that man into an angel, but th reality is you’ll never know. Staying in that safe zone of fancying from afar is pure fantasy.

nuxe1984 · 21/03/2019 18:44

Time to get a new job.

Get away from both of them.

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:00

Why are people saying it is an 'infatuation'? You are not a teenager, you are an adult. You've known him and hung out with him (and your ex-bf) for 3 years. That is way more than long enough to fall in love with someone. Some people are in love at first sight or within a month of meeting, you've known him for 3 years, so people are mad to say you don't know your mind.

I differ from others, I am so sick of people on here always taking the softly softly no-confrontation approach. True to form, MNers are cowards really. It gets people nowhere. What I would do is get him alone sometime, when your friend is away or when he does a regular thing and she is always occupied at that time, or just whenever you know he will be alone for a bit. And DO show him the messages. He will know she sent them because he will be able to identify her mobile number on the messages, so that is proof. Like someone else said, tell him you had a crush on him for awhile, and she was continually bad-mouthing him. You may not win him over, but if he is a decent guy, he deserves to know the real truth, and he may see her in a different light once that truth comes up.

Whatever you do, KEEP the messages because you may at some stage need them. No doubt she has kept your messages to her (and probably deleted her replies to you on her phone), so I would keep yours as proof if needed for HR. Don't leave yourself without proof and exposed.

Good luck, I have been in a similar situation as you. I know how it feels. And yes, I was in love with him too.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/03/2019 19:11

I’m sorry OP, I believe you have an infatuation with him, however you cannot possibly love him you don’t know the bloke, personally outside of work, in his home and also intimately

And no please don’t show the photos, it would say a lot more about you than it would her, and tbh, it would just come across as the jealous and bitter nutter

ferrier · 21/03/2019 19:13

I agree LunafortJest. If OP feels she was in love and is feeling the pain of rejection, then it sounds like she was in love to me, regardless of whether that love was returned.

I would also keep those messages. You may need them as proof at some point. I would look for another job. Then maybe, just maybe, depending on how strong I was feeling, I might share some of the information shortly before leaving.

I don't think your ex-friend deserves to get away with it.

PinkPanther27 · 21/03/2019 19:13

No, what's the point?

x2boys · 21/03/2019 19:14

It's nothing to.do with age Luna ,it's do with the fact the feelings are not reciprocated ,that's not live when it's all on one side the Op may well feel strongly but it doesn't make it love ,and why would you encourage the Op to send the messages ?she's the one that's going to get upset if it all blows up.in her face nobody else Hmm

formerbabe · 21/03/2019 19:17

If you love him then why hurt him by showing him the messages?

Anyway my guess is she was just trying to put you off him.

H0wt0kn0w · 21/03/2019 19:19

That must really hurt. She sounds like she knew she'd lose you and she obviously decided to make that choice, she chose him.

I can see how she rationalised it to herself though, ie, nothing ever actually happened between you and that man. You felt that way for years and never once took a risk. Then you were out of the office and she got close to him.

Next time, take the risk. Flirt. Say hello. Chat. Even if you're rejected, you walk away thinking, well, I'm brave enough to knwo that what's for me won't pass me by because I'm a coward. It doesn't make you feel worse than four years of unrequited affection, I assure you!

missmoz · 21/03/2019 19:23

It's bollocks that you can't be in love with someone at 21, or until you've been in a relationship with them...unrequited love is still love.

I think posters are being really harsh, you've got a right to be really angry are your supposed best friend for not at least having the decency to say she's changed her opinion on him (despite knowing it will hurt you) Cut her out. She's a bitch.

If you are friends with him I'd show him the messages, if not I'd leave it.

BUT most importantly try and make new friends, get a new job and find a life that doesn't involve these two because they really don't sound that great.

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:35

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend The OP indicated they hung around outside of work. She knows him well. Regardless, it is absurd to say you need to go to a person's home before it is called being in love with someone. That is just absolute nonsense. People fall in love at work all the time.

viques · 21/03/2019 19:36

I feel very sorry for this poor man. Not only has he been stalked, talked and texted about for three years by someone who sounds about 13 but now has the misfortune to be dating someone who has spent years writing nasty spiteful messages about his appearance.

OP, You have been let off very lightly, if two men had written about a female co worker , and mooned after her as you have done then they would have quite rightly have been ripped to shreds.

Grow up, go out more, find a real boyfriend .

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:37

@x2boys Why on earth do you believe that feelings must be reciprocated for one person to be in love? Where did you get that rubbish from? Ever heard of a thing called Unrequited Love? People often fall in love with someone, without that person knowing or loving them back. You don't need to both be in love with each other for one person to be in love.

Wtf am I reading on here tonight? All sorts of absurd nonsense.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/03/2019 19:38

I agree that this must really hurt and that you feel betrayed. You are 21 and this woman is 33... and has been "advising" you about your crush. Its OK to be in love Its Ok to be infatuated, but now events have moved on and you are stuck in a horrible mess. Two people that you have invested a lot of time and thought in are now out of reach and those relationships are well and truly over. No wonder you are hurting. It must feel quite empty.

It will hurt for a bit but you WILL recover. Its up to you now how you deal with it.
I suspect that now your eyes are opened to this woman, you will look back on previous exchanges and realise she was quite manipulative and a bit of a user. Her behaviour sounds vile.
However, you are at work with this pair. Job hunting takes time but as many people have said, it is your first priority. Get out of this toxic situation. I guarantee she will try to ruin work for you. Yes its unfair but be a winner by getting the hell out of there to a better job. You have 3 years experience.
Think about your references and do not let a big messy situation at work ruin those for you. As some have said go Grey Rock. Calm, professional, don't speak to them unless you have to. You will get nothing out of her now she is threatening you anyway. Save it for your last day or a letter. But don't give her the satisfaction.
You have a lot of time and energy to fill so when you are not polishing up your CV, do some exercise, go clothes shopping, (it sounds like she's made comments about you not being attractive enough, so invest some time in making yourself feel better on that front) join a choir, take up some new activity at the weekends. Fill your time and distract yourself... to build your self esteem. At lunchtimes get away from the office and go for a long walk with your earphones in. DO NOT talk to anyone at work about this. Just keep moving ahead with your plans.
Can you ask to be transfered to another department maybe to get more experience so you don't have to see them so much?

You will get through this. Work on all the things you can do to distract yourself and make yourself happier and move on. You deserve better than this and You can do it.

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:39

@viques How has he been 'stalked'?

Ricoetbello · 21/03/2019 19:40

She was probably doing that so you go off him knowing she liked him.
The petty bitch inside me would "accidentally" send him what she said

But you probably shouldn't.

rosinavera · 21/03/2019 19:40

God there are some nasty posters on here!! OP I get it, I really do - you feel humiliated, your 'friend' has been a bitch! Keep your dignity though and look for another job. I promise you'll feel a lot better soon x

x2boys · 21/03/2019 19:41

Unrequited love is the same as infatuation it's not real ,yes your feelings may be strong but it's not love ,real love is building a life together etc I'm not the one being absurd .

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:43

@x2boys WRONG!!! Infatuation is a TEMPORARY feeling, a passing thing, a phase. It does not last for 3 years!!!!! Someone can be in love with someone who doesn't love them back. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone to be in love with them, if you think that is what love is, you are beyond absurd, or a virgin with no life experience.

x2boys · 21/03/2019 19:44

And posters encouraging the Op.to send the messages are just being cruel ,it's not likely to make him think he's making a mistake and come running to her it's more likely to blow up in the Op,s face .

LunafortJest · 21/03/2019 19:47

Just googling and researching and there are numerous sites that say it is real. There is Unrequited Infatuation, and Unrequited Love. They are different.

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