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Original poster

Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

278 replies

Margielodi · 20/03/2019 12:14

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

OP posts:
NameChange992 · 20/03/2019 13:38

Again, I NEVER said I had a claim on him. Damn, can you read ? what bothers me is that she lied to me and dated the person her best friend fancied.
Do you not see how contradictory those statements are? The only reason for you to think it wrong for her to date him is if you think you fancying him gives youa ‘claim’ to him. It doesn’t, she’s done nothing wrong.

If anything it sounds like she’s given too much respect to your ‘feelings’ for him and avoided anything happening until you weren’t around.

If you were any kind of a friend you’d be happy that she’s with someone great (whom you were never going to be with)

Wish them well and move on. Do NOT show him the messages, all that will achieve is making you look crazy, obsessed and petty.

Honeypickle · 20/03/2019 13:38

There's also the possibility that they have been together a lot longer than you think and kept it quiet because they didn't want anyone at work knowing. He may have been with her when she sent those texts to you and knew what she was saying. Cruel and extremely immature? Yes, but you all sound about that level of maturity.

Sorry OP, hope you find someone nice soon - and next time, don't hang around swooning over them from afar - ask them out for a drink!

icannotremember · 20/03/2019 13:40

OP, I don't see this going well for you. You need to try and find a new job. You need to stay well away from them both. You need to move on. You say you're in love with him- tbh you sound as if you have an obsessive crush, but ok, as you say, we aren't in your head- call it love if you like. But recognise how unhealthy this situation is for you, and get away from it.

Don't show him those messages. That would not be a good idea.

KrispyKremes · 20/03/2019 13:46

This isn't love.

You sound about 13.

For me (and most) "The man I love" is my husband.......so yes if my friend was dating an ex then you'd have a case.

But this guy doesn't know you exist from the way I read it? Your friend is a bitch, leave her be. But the guy is totally in the clear here.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 20/03/2019 13:46

It’s not great what she done- but you had THREE YEARS to make a move!! Why the f**k didn’t you????

So don’t complain now that she’s made the move!

Don’t send the messages- you will look unhinged.

Grow up, move on, and find another decent guy- but this time ask him out if you like him, that’s how starting a relationship, which LEADS to love works.

Lweji · 20/03/2019 13:49

Maybe she was more guarded than you or never realised she liked him, or her feelings developed over time.

The fact is that over 3 years you fantasised about this man and did nothing about it.
You went out as a trio? Why? If you were really interested, you could have developed a more one to one relationship with him, even as friends.

It seems to me that you actually prefer the fantasy than the reality.

Belenus · 20/03/2019 13:49

I'm sorry but your fixation on this guy needs addressing. It's with all due respect not normal and you seem to be living your life around unrequited love.

This. At your age OP I thought I was in love with someone I knew at university. I know now it wasn't love - it was limerence. I did feel very strongly about him, but I didn't really know him or know what he was like in a relationship. You can't love someone unless you know them very well.

From what you've said, what your friend has done isn't great. But she will have a different tale to tell. If she genuinely likes this man it must have been difficult for her to listen to you talking about how much you liked him. Maybe she isn't a nice person, maybe she is, I can't tell from your account on here. (Well I can if I absolutely take it at face value, but I wouldn't do that).

Move on OP. You are young and there will be many more men out there. They won't be the same as this one but if you drop this pointless crush, you open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities. If you continue to feed it by stalking him and continually thinking about him, you will avoid the possibility of actually getting into a relationship with someone who will like you.

IhateBoswell · 20/03/2019 13:51

You left it too long and should have said something to him, as you obviously now know.

Your friend is sly though in my opinion, she clearly knew what she was doing when she was slagging him off.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 20/03/2019 13:54

Do you mind me asking if there are different cultural expectations at play here ?

Hotterthanahotthing · 20/03/2019 13:55

If it were me I would probably lick my wounds for a bit.
Then I would consider if Ireallywanted to loose a good friend because of a man you fancied.
I would sent an email to her saying that you knew she'd come round to your way of seeing him.Then leave it her.She has blocked you do you know she feels guilty about what she has done and other were an ex I would get how you are a ting.But he wasn't.
If he is the only reason you go to work then get another job and find someway to build up your self esteem.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/03/2019 13:55

SHe might have been secretly dating him for a while and the pair of them came up with that strategy as a way of putting you off, because he was fully aware of your obsession and had no desire to date you.
It might even have been done with good intentions (rather than reporting you to HR for making him feel uncomfortable with all the staring...)

Ginger1982 · 20/03/2019 13:57

It's not a nice thing for her to do knowing how you felt about him, but you weren't in love with him. You need to move on and find someone of your own. Don't show him the messages. It would only hurt him and he's done nothing wrong.

PrincessScarlett · 20/03/2019 13:59

You had 3 years to make a move. I don't think your friend has done anything wrong. What if she's liked him for a very long time and was waiting for you to make a move first? Maybe she truly loves him and was trying to put you off. Maybe he made a move on her and she didn't know how to tell you.

The fact that she's blocked you on social media speaks volumes. Either she is a complete bitch or she has a very different side to this story.

You need to move on OP. Speak to her at work to try and work out what has gone on.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/03/2019 13:59

You may have loved him, but he loves her, if you are a group of 3 pals it happens.
Wish them well and move on.

Supergrassyknoll · 20/03/2019 13:59

Let them get on with it, I'd steer very clear of this woman as much as is viable, she sounds dangerous and you seem quite soft natured. He'll realise what she's like eventually so I'd either delete the messages and move on with a clean slate or just try to minimise the stress by getting involved with something with other friends to take your mind off it all ASAP. X

paisho · 20/03/2019 14:03

The fact that she's blocked you on social media speaks volumes. Either she is a complete bitch or she has a very different side to this story.

My thoughts exactly.

Whocansay · 20/03/2019 14:03

I would have a think about what emails / messages you have previously sent her about him (and others!). If you try and embarrass her with this, she will come back at you with whatever ammunition she has, and I guarantee you will come off worse.

She is a bad friend and not a nice person. Maintain your dignity and professional reputation and leave them to it. Write this off and look into moving jobs.

sagradafamiliar · 20/03/2019 14:04

She sounds like an utter delight. If the object of your affections finds that attractive then you're better off out of it.
Of course you could love him. I had a child and settled down at 19 so don't listen to anyone who thinks there's an age limit to certain feelings. You poor thing. It does get better though Thanks

Lweji · 20/03/2019 14:04

Another point, surely it was strange that she slagged him so much to you, don't you think?
It would make you think she was in love with you or him.
A friend who was not interested in him would have helped you approach him.

Lweji · 20/03/2019 14:06

Besides, she will know you well and what you're capable of (e.g. checking their FB account via your sister's may be just a small sample), which may be why she has blocked you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/03/2019 14:06

She fancied him all along, but tried to find reasons not to.

Move on OP

WitchitaMickey · 20/03/2019 14:12

Ah OP you're getting such a lot of stick here, I think people are being very unfair to you. I dont often comment on threads on here but I just wanted to say chin up, you'll get through it and you are still so young - dont listen to people patronising you about your emotions and feelings. It must feel like a complete betrayal, your 'friend' is the one at fault here and I'm sure she will reflect upon her shitty behaviour one day and regret it.

I'd recommend getting out there and finding a new job, and in future try to make more friends outside of work. I've definitely learned the hard way over the years that work and 'friends' rarely end well, people in general are very self-serving and won't think twice about how their behaviour affects others around them. Work on your self-confidence, you are deserving of people being kind to you whatever your perception of your appearance is, you are worthy and you have just as much right to happiness as everyone else. This guy wont be the last person you feel this way about and one day you may look back and not feel like this was the worst thing that could have happened.

diddl · 20/03/2019 14:12

When my ex husband was saying such negative things about a woan he worked with-he was having an affair with her.

Perhaps they have been dating a while already?

ScarletBitch · 20/03/2019 14:12

He doesn't love you so why are you so intent in ruining their relationship? Goodness sakeConfused

MillyMollyMandy2018 · 20/03/2019 14:14

“He looks like a dump I did today”
What a charmer.
As tempting as it is to send the messages, I wouldn’t. It’s more dignified to stay silent and try your best to move on.