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Original poster

Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

278 replies

Margielodi · 20/03/2019 12:14

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

OP posts:
teyem · 20/03/2019 13:22

How will you reveal what she has said about him without delivering him three years worth of you swooning over him?

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 20/03/2019 13:23

Next time your supposed best friend talks like that about someone - whether you are in love with them or not - dump her.

Thisnamechanger · 20/03/2019 13:24

Margielod because she's unhinged - but you will look every bit as barking and childish if you show him the messages.

Step away!

RedDogsBeg · 20/03/2019 13:25

Yes we can decide whether it is love or not and it clearly isn't - you are the one who doesn't know the meaning of the word love, what you feel for this man is nowhere near love.

Littleredhouse · 20/03/2019 13:26

I don't know why people are saying you can't be in love - it's very dismissive. But don't show him the emails as you will come across as unhinged. Outwardly try and not show them that this bothers you at all.

Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 13:27

You are only 21 and been 'in love' with him since you were 18.

It's not love. Being friends with someone, is very different than being in a relationship with them.

You may find it patronising, but it's true. If you are all friends, its seems likely that they were close too. I am not sure you have a claim on someone because you have feelings.

Honestly it's been 3 years. Why do you go to work for just him when you see him outside work?

If you cant move past your feelings, you probably need to move jobs and go no contact

Original poster
Margielodi · 20/03/2019 13:27

@Thisnamechanger I get it, it seems to be unanimous , I will not show anyone the messages.

For those who are saying she hasn't done anything wrong. So you find it normal that she dates the guy her " best friend " fancied ( Since it's not love apparently) ? She has betrayed me. At least if she told me the truth from day one, that she liked him or something. But she lied to me for 3 years, listened to my stories, convince me not to tell him or talk about about him. And she hasn't done anything wrong ?

If he has told me " We're together, sorry" that would have been better

OP posts:
youknowmedontyou · 20/03/2019 13:28

I am 21 by the way , and you cannot decide if whether it's love or not. You're not in my head or do not know how I feel. I know him, we met at work, but we ( him , that best friend, and I ) go out together, weekends, pubs.

You're extremely immature, you need to get out more with different people. Your social life is looking like it's over to be honest!

Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 13:28

Ph and dont stalk their Facebook, it's not helping you and dont show him the texts. It will create a bunch of drama, that I think you will regret

Original poster
Margielodi · 20/03/2019 13:29

Again, I NEVER said I had a claim on him. Damn, can you read ? what bothers me is that she lied to me and dated the person her best friend fancied.

I know he was not in relationship with me, and I NEVER wrote so.

OP posts:
Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 13:29

She may not have been attracted to him untill recently.

It's not great what she did. But let's be honest, what you want to do is just as bad.

Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 13:30

what bothers me is that she lied to me and dated the person her best friend fancied.

I get the lying. Though it may not have been.

But if you feel she cant date him because you have feelings for him.....you are putting a 'claim' on him.

youknowmedontyou · 20/03/2019 13:30

@Margielodi

Immature and proving so with your temper tantrum on here! GROW UP!

Get out more with different people!

And don't ask for opinions if you don't want them.

flooredbored · 20/03/2019 13:32

I don't think she has done anything wrong by starting a relationship with him. She probably wasn't interested in him the whole 3 years, sometimes feelings take a while to develop.

You can't claim people.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 20/03/2019 13:32

Wake up. You thought she was your best friend and you missed all the red flags.

flirtygirl · 20/03/2019 13:33

Op just ignore and move on.

She has done wrong, the people saying they don't know what the friend has done wrong are deluded. The friend can go out with who ever she wants but blocking the op and ending the friendship is where she has done wrong. The bitchy mean comments were also wrong.

She could have talked to the op and let her know that her feelings had changed for this man. The op would have been upset but may have come round.
The friend has definitely acted wrong here.

Op, your friend is showing you who she is (a total bitch) so move on. The end of the friendship is worse than the unrequited love. Unless you were going to tell him, you would never have got together and you had nothing to lose or gain there as you were not willing to come forward with your feelings.

Your friend however, well who needs enemies with friends like that.
Op move on and work on yourself and your self esteem. Put all of this behind you.

Dollywilde · 20/03/2019 13:35

Frankly I feel sorry for the guy, unknowingly being caught up in this drama.

Google ‘limerence’ and put all the unhealthy energy you’re pouring into this crush + vendetta into moving on with your life, meeting new people and looking for a new job.

I was caught up in an unhealthy longing at your age, I thought it was love, it wasn’t. Love needs two people. I look back now, a decade later and all I feel is embarrassment, combined with disappointment that it ate so much of my time when I could have been happy Smile

bigKiteFlying · 20/03/2019 13:35

Look I do think you are right she could have handled the entire situation better - but it's done now - you can only control how you react to other's not how they behave.

Smile be polite - job hunt and put some distance between yourself and them.

Thisnamechanger · 20/03/2019 13:36

I don't think she has done anything wrong by starting a relationship with him mmmm true but visiting the OP when she was poorly and still slagging him for being unattractive and not mentioning they were an item was at best immature and short sighted and at worse genuinely bloody odd. And then the blocking on social media - really immature.

She should have just said "Sorry OP; X and I are now a couple. I know I always said he was unattractive but I was covering up how I felt because I knew you liked him. I understand you might feel upset or surprised by this but I hope we can all be mates". Job done.

OP she doesn't sound like a huge loss as a mate thb. Be the bigger person and try and move on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2019 13:36

Your questions are probably:
Why did she block me?
Why isn’t she talking to me?
Why is she going out with my long term crush?
Why did she continue saying nasty things about him instead of giving me a heads up?

My answer to all of them is either because she’s a real bitch or because she’s not yet grown up and is pretty immature. If she’s anything like you it’s because she has some growing up to do. That’s fine. You’re 21.

Please don’t go embarrassing yourself as so many other posters have said.

If you want to test the waters, maybe reach out to her. You are blocked on personal stuff? I take it you aren’t at work. You could drop a letter through her letter box or send her a (very bland) private message on the work network.

Something along the lines of “I get the impression you are ignoring me. Have I done something to offend you?”

Is her ignoring you having an impact on either of you to do your jobs? If it is, you should bring it up with a manager to address. They’d have a field day with this one. And you would legitimately be able to show them the messages from her about another co worker. Although that would open a can of worms. Tbh from what you’ve described, you may be even be able to get her sacked or given a warning.

TheLastNigel · 20/03/2019 13:37

I can see why you would be very hurst by what's she's done.
And also why it would be tempting to send him the messages. Absolutely. You want to hurt her as she has hurt you. The issue is that it won't work-she will spin it somehow and Male you look bad.

You need to block them from all social media and start job hunting. Be nowhere these two people are. It's the only way to even begin to get over it.
I was betrayed in the most awful way by a close friend and the pain of it is actually like nothing else-it's a very particular way of having your self esteem and your faith in your own judgement decimated. The only comfort is that she was clearly a deeply unpleasant person anyway and you are better off rid.

paisho · 20/03/2019 13:37

what bothers me is that she lied to me and dated the person her best friend fancied.

Okay, she lied. I get why you're angry about that. But having someone be off limits to your friend just because you fancy them? That's completely ridiculous.

werideatdawn · 20/03/2019 13:37

So so much growing up to be done here but you won't see that because we know everything when we're 21. You'll look back on this as no big deal OP. Chill.

PinkHeart5914 · 20/03/2019 13:38

No I still don’t think she done anything wrong, come on you had 3 years to make your move and you did nothing. You didn’t woman up and ask him out so you lost the chance of dating him.

Next time if you want someone, ffs woman up and ask them out

MadeInUSA · 20/03/2019 13:38

I wouldn't show him the messages. However I think I might let her think otherwise. She sounds like a right bitch