Ex best friend dating the man I love, should I show him the message she sent me about him ?

[Margielodi]

First time poster. So I met my ex best friend at work, I have been working with her for
4 years. I have been in love with one of my colleague for nearly 3 years. I never had the courage to tell him , and didn't want to ruin my career or make things awkward in case he rejected me. This is gonna sound so crazy-teen-girl , but he was the main reason I was going to work.

I remember having discussions with her about how much I loved him, and she would tell me I had no taste because according to her he looks like a troll , a lesbian, he's so short.

I had to take some time off work because I got very sick. When I came back a month later , I heard my colleagues discussing the new " office couple". Turns out my ex best friend and the man I am in love are now dating. What's strange, is that when I was ill she kept visiting me and didn't tell me anything. She blocked my number, blocked me on social media , and ignores me at work. I didn't confront her at work because I don't want anyone to know about my business, and it's just not the appropriate place.

However, I have hundreds of messages , where we talk about him. I'd text her about how much I love him ( I know it's sounds cheesy) , and her responses are about how ugly he is , he's dwarf , he looks like a woman , oh you have no taste he looks like a dump I took today. She even took pics of him while at work and would caption it " Damn you are the only one who can be in love with such an atrocious creature".

I checked her facbeook via my sis account , and there are so many pics of them too " I love you baby , my baby". I am so hurt and depressed.

Should I show him the messages or should I just let it go and try to move on ?

Ok I get it , I am immature. But you do not know how I feel, so the " you don't love him" , that you you don't know. I guess I should have made a move, and it's all my fault.

I will not show anyone , any messages. I just don't understand why she was insulting him, and convincing me that I would never have a chance with him. She would tell me " Pakistanis only date Pakistanis, his parents will never agree".

They are both originally from Pakistan, so I guess they have more in common than I do.

I might be immature like you all are stating, but it still hurtful. I think she has done something wrong , because she has lied to me for so long. I feel awful knowing I told I discussed with her my life and secrets. Once again, I never planned to end the friendship. As I said, she would visit me when I was ill, and she would show me a pic she took of him and say " There some comfort for you, look at it and let me delete it asap because I can't stand looking at this ugly sh*t". When I tried to talk to her when she was leaving work, she just told me that she would put a complain if I ever talk to her.

Thanks for those who advised me. I will try to find another job and move on with my life.

It's not nice when these things happen, but as pp have said - no good will come of showing him those messages so I'm glad you've decided not to.
It's horrible when the object of our affection chooses someone else, especially someone close to you. But normally these things happen organically, if there's a mutual attraction then those people are drawn together. Chances are if nothing had happened between you in 3 years, at after work drinks, christmas parties etc, then it never would've.

Try to think to the future, pour your energy into people who feel the way you do.

Also it sounds like your ex friend doesn't have the emotional maturity to navigate this delicate situation

That is very extreme to say she will put in a complaint against you if you try to talk to her!

I just don't understand why she was insulting him, and convincing me that I would never have a chance with him. She would tell me " Pakistanis only date Pakistanis, his parents will never agree". They are both originally from Pakistan

I think you've answered your own question. She was clearly trying to put you off him to have him herself. It's clear as day and more so on every update.

He knew how you felt about him - people can always tell. She has been a bit sly but I would say she's massively embarrassed right now. She listened to you pouring your heart out for three years and said some terrible things about him now suddenly they're a couple? That's a very hard one to explain plus she knows you've got a hold over her with those texts. That adds up to a big awkward mess and so she's dealing with it the only way she can by blanking you. Sorry I know it hurts but treat it as a life lesson. Sometimes people let you down, they mostly put themselves first.

Keep your dignity, look for a new job, forget them both. Don't ever let yourself feel that way about someone for three years without acting on it. The whole time you were fixated on him you missed out on other opportunities. He knew you fancied him ages ago - if he wanted you he would have made a move. I know that's harsh but you have to understand now that you and him were never meant to be. Ex best friend is a mess - you are well shot of her. In a year's time this will all mean nothing. Very odd though that the three of you were friends - going out to pubs etc, but the whole time you and Best Friend were secretly texting about him. She was meant to be his friend but calling him a lesbian troll behind his back? You acting all matey with him but secretly in love? I think he is the one who has been treated badly here, poor guy had no idea how you both really felt. Be more honest with your friends in the future and it won't backfire.

shitebag if ye dont

OP , I’ve not posted on here in ages , but I just feel so sorry for you .

Being young can be tough - I remember being ‘in love’ with a friend in my teens . I look back now and know it wasn’t love . I probably embarrassed myself and wasted other opportunities .

You have had some really mean replies , I wonder how some of those posters would feel if these replies were aimed at their own children :-(

You’re friend doesn’t appear to have behaved well , that maybe immaturity and not knowing how to behave in a tricky situation , or she may just be really mean .

The sad fact remains though , that nothing happened in 3 years , so your feelings weren’t reciprocated. You had no claim on this man.

Please don’t send those messages . If your job was so uninspiring , that you only really went to work because of him , then take a long hard look at your career , life really should be more than that . Plan yourself an exit strategy to something bigger and better . Concentrate on improving your opportunities and leave these 2 people behind . In the meantime , if you can , stay out of their way.

You are not just looking for ‘the one ‘ . There are loads of lovely men out there that might be right for you . Neither are you ‘not that pretty’ ... I’m sure that there is nothing wrong with you . I do wonder who has helped you to feel like that about yourself.

Look after yourself OP ...there is nothing wrong with having a damn good cry about this , but please don’t send those messages - you’re better than that

You were never in love with him, just infatuated. It's clear from your post.

And he wasn't the main reason you were going to work. You need money, yes? To pay for rent or mortgage, food, transport, your life? THAT'S the reason you go to work.

Grow up and move on. You will only look ridiculous if you do this.

I agree with Lweji she deffo fancied him all along. Perhaps in the beginning she tried to put you off and if didn’t work. She developed this strategy as she didn’t know what else to do.

From your last update, you are well shot of that cow! She is no friend of yours.

If you haven't done so already, block them both on social media. She will probably unblock you at some point, as she clearly enjoys the drama. It won't help for you to see them making puppy dog eyes at each other.

All the best, OP.

Ur best friend is definitely an ex best friend.

Tricky situation I have no advice for u but to send you hugs

Just remember you have to work with these two people after the brown stuff has hit the fan...

Any chance she was trying to make you feel better by calling him all those names because it had been 3 years? And nothing had happened between the 2 of you. She probably fancied him the whole time and toon the chance of letting him know while you were away.

Sending him or showing him the messages will be beyond embarrassing for you and for him.

You are 21, you will find someone else. You were infatuated with him, you will get over it.

I imagine pp are saying it isn't love, because love is a feeling that happens in a reciprocal relationship. I suppose you could call it unrequited love, but that isn't the same thing that happens in a healthy relationship.

While it's true that none of us are in your head, I think many of us can remember our own experiences of infatuation when young. It will pass. You will find a reciprocal relationship and it will feel better to you than this does.

Are you 12?

When we first got together (FWB) my now husband told a friend I was annoying. So you know, people’s feelings change

If I started dating a bloke that has called me a ‘creature’ and that I looked like an actual piece of shit (and I was off Pakistani decent) I’d 100% want to know so I could dump his racist arse!

Oh dear OP, unrequited love is very painful, no matter what your age.

I do think however, that you would have received slightly more sympathetic answers if you had mentioned your age in your OP.

I would hand in my notice and move on asap. Please don't torture yourself by hanging around.

Hey OP.

Yes you are young but i dont think you're immature. You're hurt by this shit so called friend. And when we're hurt, our emotions can make us want to do silly and unreasonable things. I think all of us women and men have experience of this!

I think its best to just accept they are together and you know, if he was such a good friend to you too then he would have surely said something too right? It sounds to me as though he most likely knew you had a crush on him and She was trying to put you off him so she could have him as such.

I promise you, it will get better. The feelings will go. But you have to try and look forward now. She's been a complete dick and broken the unspoken rules when it comes to dating someone who ypur best friend likes...She should have had the decency to say she was thinking of him in that way.

If shes blocked you on Social media, and he is not being very forthcoming either, I'd look to work elsewhere. Fresh start.

Op, it's a crap situation you are in. But how can you be. In love with someone you only work with. For all you know he could keep toenail clippings in a jar by his bed, or some other weird habit that could turn you right off him. But you would only know this if you where in a relationship with him.
Yes her behaviour is horrid, but be the better person. Work on building your self esteem and confidence, be happy in you without a man. Possibly look for a new job. It wil be tough to suffer that situation but it can be done. been there done that You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you with many opportunities to meet someone who will love you for you. Wash your hands clean of them both and learn from it. Refuse to have regrets, just learning curves xx good luck and chin up.

He knew how you felt about him - people can always tell

Haha, not true! Me and my partner fancied each other for 6 months at work before I asked him out - he had no clue and neither did I. We both played it so cool that to the other one, it seemed like we weren't interested at all. I'd clam up when trying to talk to him and would only talk to his mates, and he was equally shy.

The consensus with my male friends seems to be - men are thick as planks and don't pick up "signs" or even look for them. The only way for someone to know you like them, is to tell them outright!

OP, I know it feels shit, I had about 55 unrequited crushes before meeting my partner - each one ended in tears and felt horrible. I think your friend's been really fucking nasty. It's fine for her to date him, but not to lie about it and cover her tracks and then block you.

Next time, ask the guy out! The worst they can say is no and you can move on a whole lot quicker.

Another reason not to send those messages (and I know you aren't going to, or at least have said so) is that he might have been aware of them, and even been with her at least for some.

Just tell them you're happy for them, if you ever get the chance and be the bigger person. Fake it till you mean it, if necessary.

You haven't been in their position, whatever it may be, and it's easy to say what you'd have done.

Are they older than you?

Honestly I’d think they’ve been together a while and it’s all been a mean joke between the two of them.

It isn't a question of her deliberately 'betraying' you and dating him. Presumably he has had an equal part in the decision-making here.

He has chosen her over you. It happens. Sorry, but if he fancied you, he would have asked you out instead of her.