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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront woman who fancies my husband

196 replies

Pipsnips · 20/03/2019 12:12

Me and dh work at same place, me mostly from home, he from office. A woman at work who mostly works from home too is very flirtatious with dh and people at work have commented that she fancies him etc and he says he thinks she does too. Yesterday we were at a work event together, in a public place. I had to leave to get our little one from school so told her so. She randomly said, "oh your ex" and then said dh's name and then she said "speak of the devil" as he came in the room and she walked off. I was shocked and wondered did I actually hear that? I told dh and he said "oh wow that's weird". I then had to leave. After I was really upset and kicking myself that I didn't say anything, it was so quick and out of the blue. I hate confrontation and am not very confident. When dh got home we discussed it, he said it was out of order and he was going to tell her today at the end as he didn't want it to be awkward at the event. I feel like if anyone says anything it should be me but also that its a bit late now after the event, I don't want to look like a crazy paranoid person as I think she will gloat and I don't want to give her any power. We all have to work together in about a month and now I'm dreading it. Should I keep quiet and not give her the satisfaction or say something? What would you do? Sorry for the long post, its my first post and I wanted to give detail. I feel nervous and pissed off and a bit of a coward (blush) (sad)

OP posts:

steff13 · 21/03/2019 22:21

Maybe she could just pee on him every morning before he goes to work. Mark her territory.

Bignosenobum · 22/03/2019 01:26

silly cow. speak and mention the conversation and sort of say " am sorry totally my fault but did refer to ...name... and call him my ex?
As if you misheard. Then when she says your ex, say but he is not my ex, apologising if you misheard

Lovingbenidorm · 22/03/2019 01:36

Neither you or your DH should be engaging in any of this.
Ignore all of it

Bignosenobum · 22/03/2019 01:54

The only way the remark makes sense, is if he or someone else has told her that you and he are no longer together.....Then she is innocent.

LifeIsToughMate · 22/03/2019 02:47

Listen, what an absolute weirdo and Bitch to make that comment to you. This is Your Husband. Don’t be shy get your confidence up in dealing with this woman. Tell her straight, when she makes any moves or comments on your man that he is clearly spoken for and that she needs to stop embarrassing herself. He is spoken for and happily married with a family. I would. Don’t be shy about that! And I have terrible anxiety but I for one would not put up with that! Neither should you.

Yeh, smirk with confidence and next time say “did you just embarrass yourself and imply that me and him will break up soon? I’m your dreams”.

If you know the everyone is onto her flirting with your DH, then just embarrass her publically:

“The other day, I wasn’t sure I heard you correctly.. did you joke and say that my DH was my ex? I’m embarrassed for you, we all know you fancy DH but I wouldn’t think it would reach this desperate catty level”

Lol. I’m a doormat but not when someone thinks they can be catty.

tildaMa · 22/03/2019 03:30

So, you claim
She randomly said, "oh your ex" and then said dh's name and then she said "speak of the devil" as he came in the room and she walked off.

Then it turns out that's not what actually happened:
The conversation went
Me: I need to go now to pick up my little one from school
Her: oh your ex, Dave
Me: huh?
Her: joking lol!..speak of the devil (as DH approached and she scuttles off)

So it was just a bit of an awkward joke that fell flat but you started imagining things.

I would like to point out that I don't have an issue with the whole fancying thing, people told me at work months ago that she likes him and it's not bothered me up to now.

It's 2019 and women are allowed to like men without fancying them.

Stop making a monster out of her. She's not after your precious husband.

CrumpetyTea · 22/03/2019 04:15

She possibly gets fed up of people saying that she's after your husband and presumably implying that shes trying to split you up and is just making a bad joke.
these things get ridiculous- just asking her straight " what did you mean by calling him my ex" would clear things up.

SweetRosie92 · 22/03/2019 05:13

I agree with Alphabetsoup4, I might not counsel or write up someone based off that one incident because there is some ambiguity over what was said and how it was intended BUT she would be on my radar and if I caught her stirring up trouble she would answer for it.

Work is not a place where one is entitled to hassle another person and deliberately misrepresent the status of their relationship in an attempt to plant seeds of doubt, although on the surface it sounds like a personal matter the fact is the woman is, allegedly bringing it into the workplace and attempting to do so in a covert manner which means her intentions are malicious and she is shit stirring, which I am guessing she is NOT getting paid for. In addition to being wasteful and harmful these acts are distracting and bad for morale so yes she should be monitored and confronted if necessary, that is exactly what HR is for. I wouldn't have it on my watch!

lolaflores · 22/03/2019 05:56

A woman at dd's school made a full play for my DH and told a mutual friend of her plans. Friend told me.
I pulled her aside and put her straight.
My reading of her behaviour. I.e. telling a person close to me, was she felt confident that I would not confront her. I would feel too intimidated, embarrassed. She is an over bearing type but her confidence is
Shallow and brittle easily under any stress. . I didn't have a huge confrontation, just looked her in the eye, told her I knew what she had been saying and to not waste her time. If I ever heard another word about her, I'd be having a chat with her husband.
And that was the end of that. Turns out she had form for this sort of stuff. We spent the next 3 years of school giving her a wide swerve.
Any response to someone like this must be firm whilst not losing your dignity.
That's all I can advise , but it is an eye opener into how odd some folk can be.

Thegoodthere · 22/03/2019 07:19

That conversation makes absolute no sense. OP talks about her kid, colleague just goes "oh, your ex, (name)".

I think you must have misheard her. So just move on.

Oli001 · 22/03/2019 08:47

Hour DH could go to HR and say he's being sexually harassed and his wife is also being abused!

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/03/2019 09:25

Your DH could go to HR and say he's being sexually harassed and his wife is also being abused!

😂. Oh the drama.

Alphabetsoup4 · 22/03/2019 11:39

@sweetrosie you sound like a very sound person to have in an organization.

@lolaflores I like the way you dealt with that! It’s very hard to respond to under the radar shit stirring, so insidious but very hurtful.

Alphabetsoup4 · 22/03/2019 11:41

Also, yes it’s hard to know about a comment, however even if it was a poor joke the woman is openly demeaning OP by making overt public flirtations with her husband. Even if she’d said nothing she is making working life toxic and difficult for the OP, and her DH.

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2019 12:28

To the people sneering at the points being made about HR etc, have you ever actually been involved in an investigation?

I had to review the findings of an investigation into a (clear cut) racist incident. There were actually plenty of historical incidents concerning the individual that had happened in mine and other's presence, but they made jack shit difference because they weren't recorded, and there was nothing to officially go on. (Fortunately the incident was serious enough in itself to warrant firing, and there was a further incident that had been appallingly handled by staff previously)

A quiet word at this stage, and a note made on file with no further actions could make a huge difference down the line if (and only if) it is needed.

pollymere · 22/03/2019 17:53

I had a relationship break up because someone was determined they needed my dp. They married him.

Take care of this. She was obviously trying to sow seeds of doubt in your mind about your dh. She's obviously hoping she can make you paranoid enough to break up your marriage. She'll probably move on to the are they really happy stuff soon. I've had a similar problem with a colleague who fancied me. I was lucky that in the end he conceded my dh was a great guy and they became good friends as did we (think of Harry, Ron and Hermione!)

Could you make an effort to be a Visible Team?

Otherwise, just concur with her that he's amazing and aren't you lucky?

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 18:11

“I had a relationship break up because someone was determined they needed my dp.“

No. You had a relationship break up because your dp left you.

shitpark · 22/03/2019 18:21

The only time I was worried about other women fancying my now ex-h was when I began to suspect he was cheating on me

Andromeida59 · 22/03/2019 18:33

Hi OP. It is worth going to HR over. Despite what people might think, if this woman is "making a play" for your husband, this could be seen as sexual harassment.

A similar thing happened to me. My DP's colleague told my DP's boss that DP "deserved better and that he would try and split us up". DP's boss told DP, DP told me (they are both HFA so no filters).

I did post on here about it but was told I was being childish. As I was worried about the colleague trying to get DP drunk during the day, same colleague taking his top off, trying to get DP to cheat on me. I once called DP's office general phone as we were meeting up. Colleague answered, pretended to forget my name and then mentioned an argument we'd (DP and I) had. DP hadn't said a thing. Turns out that the colleague was just very good at picking up on things.

Thankfully, colleague has moved on to another post but he still occasionally messages DP. We're still together and happy but such things do put strain on a relationship. I was glad to see the back of him!

In (not very short), you're not in the wrong for being upset. Some people are arseholes. I hope this gets sorted and the colleague backs off.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/03/2019 18:51

I had a relationship break up because someone was determined they needed my dp. They married him.

Oh please. So your DP had absolutely no say in the matter? Did she kidnap him and drag him kicking and screaming all the way to the register office? Presumably she’s still got him locked in a cellar?

LifeIsToughMate · 22/03/2019 19:07

ur DP needs to go HR because she could one day turn around and blame him for harassing her to cover her own back if shit hits the fan as she sounds catty.

Let him know he will be putting his career at risk if he doesn’t report her behaviour

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