To confront woman who fancies my husband

[Pipsnips]

Me and dh work at same place, me mostly from home, he from office. A woman at work who mostly works from home too is very flirtatious with dh and people at work have commented that she fancies him etc and he says he thinks she does too. Yesterday we were at a work event together, in a public place. I had to leave to get our little one from school so told her so. She randomly said, "oh your ex" and then said dh's name and then she said "speak of the devil" as he came in the room and she walked off. I was shocked and wondered did I actually hear that? I told dh and he said "oh wow that's weird". I then had to leave. After I was really upset and kicking myself that I didn't say anything, it was so quick and out of the blue. I hate confrontation and am not very confident. When dh got home we discussed it, he said it was out of order and he was going to tell her today at the end as he didn't want it to be awkward at the event. I feel like if anyone says anything it should be me but also that its a bit late now after the event, I don't want to look like a crazy paranoid person as I think she will gloat and I don't want to give her any power. We all have to work together in about a month and now I'm dreading it. Should I keep quiet and not give her the satisfaction or say something? What would you do? Sorry for the long post, its my first post and I wanted to give detail. I feel nervous and pissed off and a bit of a coward (blush) (sad)

I agree with earlier posts, down to your DH to sort in front of someone, preferably you.

In conclusion to this madness, me and DH have decided to ignore, ignore ignore. Thanks for all the input

I really don't understand the woman. Very, very odd behaviour. I wouldn't go to HR as there is nothing to tell them. I also wouldn't say anything to her unless she persisted in saying similar things. Just the once, then I would shrug it off and think she's a right weirdo.

If she says anything similar to your or DH I would simply ask her why she is under the impression he is your ex and take it from there

If she's making your husband uncomfortable with her behavior, he should go to HR. He shouldn't confront her, you shouldn't confront her, and you don't really have cause to go to HR.

You say in your OP that she mostly works from home; how much time does she even spend with your husband for everyone in the office to know she fancies him?

'Bad husband management', wtf?? Haha.

I am not sure I would 100% agree with totally ignoring the situation.

I had to research how to deal with under the radar bullying and so much of the advice is how to deal with OVERT bullying. It was hard to find how to deal with the sort of bullying that most of us are actually on the receiving end of; manipulating the social dynamic, exclusion, digs presented as jokes that you look aggressive if you respond to. And pasive and weak if you don't. Eventually the best advice boiled down to this. Make the hidden seen, and say (in public) the ''misunderstanding''' their behaviour has given you and then ask them for reassurance that you're wrong and then, crucially, accept their reassurance that you're wrong with a confident smile and then change the subject. People will notice 1) what you've noticed and 2) they'll see if it does genuinely happen in the future, but, it probably won't becuase you've ''put them on notice'' that you're not the passive doormat they thought you were.

PissoffPeppa multicolorMophead

Exactly this! Makes perfect sense!

Oh, I must go now & pick up the kids
Ah, you’re next Dave. Speak of the devil - here he is!

Otherwise, as you didn’t even mention ‘Dave’ her remark makes no sense at all! How stupid you would both look to call her out about this.

I would go with the fake innocent combined with death stare "oh tee hee Mrs X, you didn't think Mr OP and I were Ex's did you? We're about as far from it as you can get! Tee hee" Staring bitch in the eyes

@H0wt0kn0w

Make the hidden seen

This is, in my opinion, the best advice on this thread.

You need to deal with it for your own mental health or it will eat away at you.

You don’t need to be confrontational or aggressive, just matter of fact and clear.

Tbh this whole 'your ex's doesnrbeven make sense. OP says she wasnt sure.

However if she outrageous in her behaviour towards your dh that everyone knows she fancies him, he can go to HR. Dont mention this incident.

I mean let's be honest, if it's all true an accurate and she did 'declare war' (which is ridiculous imo) and flirts outrageously with him, why has HE gone to HR? If she is genuinely that unhinged surely you would be worried she will go further? Spread a rumour, make a false complaint herself?

I’d contact HR and have a word. A workplace is somewhere that you have to go, and her behaviour is bordering on bullying. You all have to work together and it isn’t acceptable from her. It’s causing you significant stress in the workplace as it all takes place there. You can’t escape it.

Be very factual and clear. Write down exactly what she said and any other incidences. HR must log this and you don’t have to go further for now, or log an official complaint yet, but at least you will have some advice.

She is targeting you, in your workplace. They do need to take this seriously.

Let your husband put her straight and nip it in the bud before it escalates.

Awkward situation and pretty immature of her tbh.

If your DH is absolutely gorgeous than other people will fancy him but that doesn't mean they or he will act on it. If this woman is blatantly trying to stir up trouble (and it sounds like this may be the case), I'd probably ask your DH to state factually to someone she works with that it is not reciprocated/she is not his type/he doesn't find her attractive. She should be suitably mortified and will steer clear of him completely!

Op. Are you sure you didn’t mishear her?

During a conversation about having children with my male GP, he said he had one child and was hoping to have another, but his wife isn’t pregnant yet. He then said what I thought was “but I’m sticking it to her”. I was a bit surprised that he spoke like that to a patient.

Then a few days later I realised he had said “but I’m sticking at two though”.....

People suggesting just to 'log' this with HR - there is no such thing. If it's reported as bullying/harassment HR have to follow it up via appropriate channels, they may suggest handling it informally so no investigations, witness reports etc, but they still have to follow it up and take some action and document that action.

Once I was presumed to be my husbands new girlfriend by friends of his, I'd not seen them before and I brushed it off at the time but turns out he did have a new girlfriend it just wasn't me!

I actually do think you misheard her OP.

Saying ‘oh there’s your ex Dave’ followed by ‘speak of the devil’ does not make sense as you had neither mentioned him!

Swapsicles

How about she said ‘Oh you’ve axed Dave’ then ‘Speak of the devil’ as he came in! I bet this was it!

‘axed’ - informal meaning ‘to dismiss’

What on earth do you think HR are going to do?! "Bordering on bullying" - are you mad?!!

Tell your DH to grow a set and ask her nicely to back off. IF anything actually ever happens that is. This is a complete nothing.

If you go to HR with something so utterly flimsy, they will think you're crazy!

@Mammylamb this is AMAZING!

On a serious note, I do think you misheard. It's just doesn't really make sense for someone to say that.

Also good advice.

I had to research how to deal with under the radar bullying and so much of the advice is how to deal with OVERT bullying. It was hard to find how to deal with the sort of bullying that most of us are actually on the receiving end of; manipulating the social dynamic, exclusion, digs presented as jokes that you look aggressive if you respond to. And pasive and weak if you don't. Eventually the best advice boiled down to this. Make the hidden seen, and say (in public) the ''misunderstanding''' their behaviour has given you and then ask them for reassurance that you're wrong and then, crucially, accept their reassurance that you're wrong with a confident smile and then change the subject.

However I would say, if you are sure that you didn’t mishear her, that this is absolutely bullying in the workplace. Not sure why anyone would discount this just because it’s a woman putting down another - it doesn’t matter how or why, in this case it’s the underlying threat. It’s also totally inappropriate of her to be so openly flirting in the workplace, it’s not fair on her husband or the OP, and like harassment it doesn’t matter if the ‘victim’ is okay with it or not - it’s not on in the workplace as it sets up a culture where inappropriate behaviour is okay.

And just to add to @howtoknow ignoring or exclusion is legally recognised as bullying. So it’s also what is going on around you not just TO you. I also had to look this up!

I’m really not sure why people are minimising this as not a workplace issue.

It’s not just someone fancying your DH with a bashful crush. She’s openly bringing it publicly into the work sphere. What is a man were flirting with someone’s wife relentlessly and then sneakily putting down her husband? What if this woman was the OPs boss?

"Bad husband management" .

Listen, what an absolute weirdo and Bitch to make that comment to you. This is Your Husband. Don’t be shy get your confidence up in dealing with this woman. Tell her straight, when she makes any moves or comments on your man that he is clearly spoken for and that she needs to stop embarrassing herself. He is spoken for and happily married with a family. I would. Don’t be shy about that! And I have terrible anxiety but I for one would not put up with that! Neither should you.