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AIBU?

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Original poster

To confront woman who fancies my husband

196 replies

Pipsnips · 20/03/2019 12:12

Me and dh work at same place, me mostly from home, he from office. A woman at work who mostly works from home too is very flirtatious with dh and people at work have commented that she fancies him etc and he says he thinks she does too. Yesterday we were at a work event together, in a public place. I had to leave to get our little one from school so told her so. She randomly said, "oh your ex" and then said dh's name and then she said "speak of the devil" as he came in the room and she walked off. I was shocked and wondered did I actually hear that? I told dh and he said "oh wow that's weird". I then had to leave. After I was really upset and kicking myself that I didn't say anything, it was so quick and out of the blue. I hate confrontation and am not very confident. When dh got home we discussed it, he said it was out of order and he was going to tell her today at the end as he didn't want it to be awkward at the event. I feel like if anyone says anything it should be me but also that its a bit late now after the event, I don't want to look like a crazy paranoid person as I think she will gloat and I don't want to give her any power. We all have to work together in about a month and now I'm dreading it. Should I keep quiet and not give her the satisfaction or say something? What would you do? Sorry for the long post, its my first post and I wanted to give detail. I feel nervous and pissed off and a bit of a coward (blush) (sad)

OP posts:
Pernickity1 · 20/03/2019 12:58

Some people on here are very dramatic HmmI’d maybe tell HR at a push (if you think it might escalate just to cover your backs) but I definitely wouldn’t confront the woman... you’ll look just as bad as she does if you make this a big deal.

She’ll make you out to be crazy.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2019 12:59

Ignore,ignore,ignore and ignore again.

MulticolourMophead · 20/03/2019 13:00

I ty hink it needs to come from your DH to set her straight. You feel there's no chance she's mistaken, so he has to point out that she's making him feel uncomfortable.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2019 13:00

Seriously- you haven’t got anything to tell HR.

Dahlietta · 20/03/2019 13:01

Do you work there too, OP? If not, if anyone's going to tell HR anything, it needs to be your husband, but I think he'd be far better off just saying something to her!

flumpybear · 20/03/2019 13:02

In all honesty I'd have said something then and there but if not I'd email now andnjust say

I thought I'd email as yesterday you said something very bizarre - my DH and I are not ex's and I have no idea where you got that idea from but thought I'd set you straight - we don't want any gossip forming lol

Badtasteflump · 20/03/2019 13:05

Ok, actually reading back I agree that OP shouldn't talk to HR herself - but if it's a well known thing in that workplace that she goes all 'carry on' with the men, it wouldn't hurt for them to (collectively) talk to HR about asking her to tone it down a bit. She really needs to be told it's 2019 and she doesn't need to offer up her fanny to get on at work Hmm

AnneOfCleanTables · 20/03/2019 13:06

I'm not sure what your issue is. You thought she said 'your ex' but in your next post you said she knows he's married. Well, if she knows he's married then I'd assume you misheard her.
As for your comments that everyone knows she fancies your DH . . . is Dh bringing these stories back to you? If so, I'd be asking why.
It's very simple to shut down unwanted attention. Your DH needs to do so. You need to stop being so dramatic about it. And no-one needs to contact HR. What on earth would you say? 'This woman makes me insecure in my marriage' Hmm

HaventGotAllDay · 20/03/2019 13:07

If you work mainly from home, how do you know all this stuff she says about him and you?
And how do you know about her flirting with him?

I'd be looking for horses not zebras tbh and finding out if he's told her you're not together because that's what the most likely thing is. Especially seeing as though it sounds like they are in the same place a lot more than you are.

NWQM · 20/03/2019 13:08

Personally I wouldn't send a joking message via a works email.

You say you are now dreading work so I'd be speaking - preemptively - to my line manager & giving him / her a heads up that something odd is going on and you are uncomfortable. At this stage I'm not sure I'd be asking for anything to be done unless anything else is said but as there have actually been lots of inappropriately comments I would start getting them logged.

How does your DH feel? Again if he feels that it is affecting or may affect his work then he should speak to his line manager.

I'm guessing though that honestly most people see straight through and it is all reflecting very badly on her.

It is a form of bullying though. She is deliberately trying to undermine you in the work place. Whether this is actually to get your DH or not doesn't matter.

Not to scare you but her view of appropriateness is twisted. You dont want this suddenly being changed round when she gets vengeful because she isn't getting her own way.

Hopefully you have a good enough relationship with your line manager to say 'something odd keeps happening.......'

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 20/03/2019 13:08

Next time you're alone eith her just say: oh remember when you said my dh was my ex you wish and then laugh in her face really loud.

^^ and I'd ignore lunacy like that or you will sound like a right one Hmm

I think you and your husband should be super lovely dovey with each other when you're all together in a month! Either sickenly cutesy or other the top sexual innuendo (or both?) - send the message that way?

^^ ridiculous way to behave at work - dont follow that advice either

Your DH and you should both talk to her as a couple. Leave her in no doubt. If you speak to her it doesn't 'prove' to her that your DH isn't interested and in her mind you're just the jealous wife. If he speaks to her she will wheedle her way out of it and it won't solve anything.

^^ and that sort of bollox will get you both on a disciplinary for bullying

Step away, ignore, nod and smile ..... and repeat ad infinitum.

Oblomov19 · 20/03/2019 13:09

I can't follow what's happened.

So, when did you tell your husband?

Because he said he would've said something to her, at the event but he didn't wanna cause a scene?

Eh?

Did you tell him that evening? Or whilst the event was still going on?

You're not making sense.

Tinkobell · 20/03/2019 13:09

I'd The both of you should pop along to HR before matters get out of hand. I don't think there's anything to gain from talking to her directly and think you risk degenerating into a "he said" "she said" situation. Get it nipped in the bud quickly. Your DH needs to state the colleague is flirtatious for no reason and it makes him feel uncomfortable. He needs to state that you are both most certainly happily married, working well together and keen to avoid at all costs any confusion or awkwardness to the broader team; who have already commented on the woman's unwanted attentions. Act quickly. I would, its damage limitation.

onanothertrain · 20/03/2019 13:11

My first thought is that your husband has told her you are no longer together. Wonder why he might do that...

GirlcalledJack · 20/03/2019 13:11

If this is somewhere that both you and your DH work at then for God sake don’t go running off to HR saying you are upset because a work colleague might fancy your man and said he was your EX ConfusedHmm

You just need to chill a bit. Your DH needs to tell the woman that you are still together and then leave it alone!

You don’t need to do anything, let your DH behave professionally as he would with anyone.

This is all very playground!

You need to be very careful bringing this all into work. If the woman oversteps in anyway then fair enough, deal with it as it happens but quite honestly she hasn’t done anything wrong (yet)

Original poster
Pipsnips · 20/03/2019 13:11

Sorry if my post is confusing. DH is at the work thing with her today, I'm not. He said he would say something to her at the end of today but I just wasn't sure if it was appropriate for him to do so or if that was my job as she said the weird thing to me? She 100% knows we are together. She has said in the past to colleagues that me and DH are the perfect couple and that's what she wants. I do trust DH so think I will just ignore her, I think if I say something she will be pleased. If he speaks to her it's up to him. Thanks for all of your advice 👍

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 20/03/2019 13:11

Dahlietta "Do you work there too, OP?"

Read the first sentence of the OP!

Frenchmontana · 20/03/2019 13:19

How is the civerstation with HR going to go

'Ummmm I think this woman fancies my husband and I think she might have referred to him as my ex. She is stalking him?'

If her behaviour towards him in general is inappropriate and make him uncomfortable, then he should speak to HR about that. Not including this conversation, which you have no idea what she meant or even if that's what she actually said.

Tinkobell · 20/03/2019 13:20

....so wait and see how your DH gets on with his message to her tonight. That could be the end of that. But if not, I'd def go to HR. You need to be seen as giving her the benefit of the doubt. Couch it with them as "we are worried that she may have got her wires crossed" and don't want to cause her any embarrassment in front of colleagues.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 20/03/2019 13:21

She sounds like a complete drama creator. I would not waste one molecule of oxygen on her little fire. I wouldn’t say anything to her, or get my husband to say anything. I would cut her cold and expect the same from him. Professional coolness that’s it. This woman would love the idea of you talking about her in any capacity. Do not engage with this muppet - she’s probably done this elsewhere and is well practiced in HR evasion or a counter-claimery < I know it’s not a word but best conveys the tactics > of some sort against you or him. If you have an real office friend ask them to make sure she doesn’t corner him etc as part of her game.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 20/03/2019 13:25

If you know someone in HR alert them by seeking advice on the strange behaviour of MS X what would they like you to do moving forwards for the benefit of company well being, whilst protecting yourselves.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2019 13:26

Ask him not to say anything.? Just ignore. Honestly.

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2019 13:26

This is such a bizarre story though, she either 1) genuinely thinks you’re not together anymore, in which case you need to speak to your husband to find out why or 2) knows you’re together but feels comfortable enough in her relationship with your husband to make a very obvious, pointed, loaded comment in front of your mutual colleagues. Regardless of which option it is, I think you need to speak to your husband a bit more.

Lweji · 20/03/2019 13:28

It should be your husband, even if she said it to you.
And he should put a stop to any work flirting or worse. If necessary, by reporting it to HR. She's out of order.

Tinkobell · 20/03/2019 13:31

One thing he could try or say next time she flirts is "Sorry X, are you alright today?....excuse me but I've got a lot to get on with" and blank her.

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