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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront woman who fancies my husband

196 replies

Pipsnips · 20/03/2019 12:12

Me and dh work at same place, me mostly from home, he from office. A woman at work who mostly works from home too is very flirtatious with dh and people at work have commented that she fancies him etc and he says he thinks she does too. Yesterday we were at a work event together, in a public place. I had to leave to get our little one from school so told her so. She randomly said, "oh your ex" and then said dh's name and then she said "speak of the devil" as he came in the room and she walked off. I was shocked and wondered did I actually hear that? I told dh and he said "oh wow that's weird". I then had to leave. After I was really upset and kicking myself that I didn't say anything, it was so quick and out of the blue. I hate confrontation and am not very confident. When dh got home we discussed it, he said it was out of order and he was going to tell her today at the end as he didn't want it to be awkward at the event. I feel like if anyone says anything it should be me but also that its a bit late now after the event, I don't want to look like a crazy paranoid person as I think she will gloat and I don't want to give her any power. We all have to work together in about a month and now I'm dreading it. Should I keep quiet and not give her the satisfaction or say something? What would you do? Sorry for the long post, its my first post and I wanted to give detail. I feel nervous and pissed off and a bit of a coward (blush) (sad)

OP posts:
Tensixtysix · 20/03/2019 17:13

Watch out, there's a bunny boiler about!
Ignore her, or she'll twist it round so that you're the crazy one.

Maybeitsjustmeor · 20/03/2019 17:22

Wana know what happens *gets popcorn

Maybeitsjustmeor · 20/03/2019 17:23

In all seriousness though. She sounds a bit weird and will probably embrass herself of she carries on and you keep your cool

AuchAyeTheNo · 20/03/2019 17:33

OP I would do as many on here have said and just try to ignore it while keeping a close eye on her.

If you trust your DH then that’s all that matters. Let her try and make a fool of herself. I wouldn’t change how I act around her either

howabout · 20/03/2019 17:41

I would like to point out that I don't have an issue with the whole fancying thing, people told me at work months ago that she likes him and it's not bothered me up to now.

Sounds to me like she is not impressed that people are gossiping about her attitude towards your DH. Whether she created the gossip or your DH has an overinflated ego and an overactive imagination is up for debate. Either way she is having a laugh at your expense and you would be well advised to grow up.

No matter how amazing I am sure your DH is far from the only fish in her sea.

PissOffPeppa · 20/03/2019 17:48

Could you have misheard her?

Maybe something like:

“I’ve got to pick up the kids”
“Oh, you’re next, Dave” (As in it’s Dave’s turn to pick up the kids next time)

It doesn’t make a huge deal of sense, but more than calling him your ex for no reason in a sentence completely unrelated to what you’d just said.

Ricoetbello · 20/03/2019 17:57

How long has this been going on for?
She hasn't been put in her place so she keeps carrying on...
He should've said something straight away

Asgoodasarest · 20/03/2019 18:14

I’d ignore her and encourage your husband to do the same. If she genuinely is over stepping the mark professionally with your husband, then he should probably flag it to his manager. It doesn’t need to be a full on complaint, but it doesn’t hurt to have it said that it’s one sided, should it escalate.

If you want to make a note of anything yourself go ahead, but this really has to be handled by your husband and only in the context of what is and isn’t acceptable at work.

Your instinct is telling you that she’s not joking and making you wary. Listen to it and keep your distance. You can see from the varying opinions here how differently this situation could be viewed. That alone would make me keep as much distance as possible and chalk it up to a weird day at work. Hopefully you’ll be laughing about it one day.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 20/03/2019 18:24

Even if a weird nasty joke, that conversation makes zero sense.

I think you have mis heard her, it was probably something like 'I have to do x', 'did you ask dh?' (like to do the picking up) and then she said she was joking when you questioned her.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/03/2019 18:30

I think, next time I saw her, I’d say something along the lines of
‘Oh I think you got the wrong end of the stick the other day when you said X was my ex, X isn’t my ex, we’re still very much a couple’ smile and walk off

Tinkobell · 20/03/2019 18:42

I would let HR know, even if your DH has had to put her straight. A woman scorned can be dangerous.....and a man scorned for that matter. Strikes me you have more to loose as a jointly working couple that she might.

Justanothervoiceintheworld · 20/03/2019 19:29

Report her to HR. She is doing things that are hurting the workforce. Why should she get away with flirting and saying comments about your relationship? Because she is female? Imagine if your husband was going through this. There was a man flirting with you and making comments to your husband about your relationship. Wouldn't he think it was weird?

LifeIsToughMate · 20/03/2019 19:38

Also stop telling your husband she fancies him.
That is bad husband management.

This made me chuckle , husband management Grin.

Op, the girl sounds unhinges. Wait and watch till she makes a joke of herself. Accelerate the process if you may.

While ur with a bunch of colleagues, say a nice jokey remark Infront of all of them:

DH and I, will be going to this restaurant tonight. Oh yeh, that gets me thinking, “unhinged colleague”, what made you assume he was my ex the other day when you spoke to me and referred to him a second my ex?, did any of you guys assume we divorced? (Look at the group)?

That should embarrass her. Shut her up from being snide.

But I’m not good at these things so don’t take my word for it. I just feel she is trying to manipulate you so best to call her out in a way that doesn’t damage ur reputation. If you say people know she fancies him, they should be aware of her intent and puts her under scrutiny.

LifeIsToughMate · 20/03/2019 19:41

Or better yet,

“Guys our “unhinged” colleague here has a very unique sense of humor. Let me make u all laugh. [look at her], remember “msunhinged” when you made a joke about my DH being my ex... hahaha can You do jokes like that for all of us?”

MulticolourMophead · 20/03/2019 19:42

Could you have misheard her?

Maybe something like:

“I’ve got to pick up the kids”
“Oh, you’re next, Dave” (As in it’s Dave’s turn to pick up the kids next time)

But the woman continued with "speak of the devil" as the DH came into the room, so he wasn't near enough to be part of a conversation.

BrusselPout · 20/03/2019 19:59

I haven't rtft but would just say to her 'oh there seems to be a misunderstanding which I wanted to clear up to avoid confusion, DH is my husband, not my ex'. It doesn't have to be confrontational at all

BrusselPout · 20/03/2019 20:00

I would also say it myself rather than relying on DH, there is always the possibility that he is the one that has lead her to believe that you aren't together....

BrusselPout · 20/03/2019 20:02

I wouldn't tell HR, seriously they will just be Hmm

Bangingdoors · 20/03/2019 20:05

She sounds batty. Don't stoop to her level though because you'll look worse. She was cute enough to do it only within your ear shot and will deny or say something different if you make an issue of it.
Avoid her and ask dh to do the same, only be in her company if there are other people present.
She's tried to unnerve you and understandably it's worked, move on and make sure she never gets that opportunity again, she doesn't deserve any more space in your head.

LifeIsToughMate · 20/03/2019 21:29

Make sure you avoid having one to one interactions with her because she might be enjoying these.

Find ways to always have a third person

MyOtherProfile · 21/03/2019 15:47

Did he speak to her?

Scorpvenus1 · 21/03/2019 16:49

Sounds to me that your DH is not as innocent as he seems, the fact he said crazy up front we all know why men call women crazy most times, and it is because they have either lapped it up and got a ego boost or he has told her you are no longer together.

id be wary

Flowersintheatticconversion · 21/03/2019 17:48

she has declared war Wtaf!!

MirandaGoshawk · 21/03/2019 17:50

I think it would be a bad idea to bring up, "Oh, remember the other day when you called Dave my ex?" or whatever. Just smile sweetly at her if she happens to be in your line of sight, but otherwise ignore her.

I remember when someone fancied my boyfriend - she made bitchy comments about me in front of him! But who went home with him? ME!

SandyY2K · 21/03/2019 18:06

The conversation makes no sense to me. You said you were going to pick up your little one and she refers to your DH as your Ex.

Anyway.... I've worked in HR for over 2 decades and this is not something we would deal with.

Under what policy or procedure would it be reported?

It's not a disciplinary issue. A grievance? What exactly would you say? She called my DH my Ex?

Your DH said he knows she fancies him ... well as long as he's committed to you, she can continue fancying him for the rest of her life.

It's up to him to give clear signs, without being rude that he's happilt married and not interested in her.

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