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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending this to my neighbour?

154 replies

Andromeida59 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Hi, we have Muslim neighbours that we say hello too, take in post for etc. I feel so horrified by the attacks in Christchurch that I want to send a card to them with not only condolences but also just a message of solidarity that should they ever experience any negativity, we are with them and would help where we can.

I know they celebrate the religious festivals and have wished them Eid Mubarak before etc. but I don't know if this is over stepping the mark.

Thoughts? AIBU

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 19/03/2019 15:44

I wouldn't, it's almost like ur associating them with others just because they have the same religion.
If the tables were turned and I received a letter like that I would be offended..

radishingravish · 19/03/2019 15:50

I would just do something nice and neighbourly for them instead. When I moved flat I really wanted to get on with the neighbours as I had had such a bad experience with some before. So I ended up making banana bread and giving a few out and saying I had had a lot of ripe bananas that needed using. It was a lie - I had bought the bananas specifically for that to get on friendly speaking terms with them, but I thought I would look weird if I just showed up with a cake and said I had made it specially for them without knowing them.

SilverySurfer · 19/03/2019 15:56

I think it would be an odd thing to do. It would be different if it had been their local mosque for example. Would you do the same if you had Christian neighbours the other side and Muslims had attacked a church in NZ? If not its a bit virtue signalling.

Butterflycookie · 19/03/2019 16:00

No I wouldn’t send a card or even mention anything to them

MissGiddyPants · 19/03/2019 16:02

Could you possibly virtue signal any harder?

Grumpelstilskin · 19/03/2019 16:05

@MissGiddyPants Exactly!

ddl1 · 19/03/2019 16:15

I wouldn't send a card. Some people would like it; some would feel that you're stereotyping them and grouping all Muslims together; some would just feel uncomfortable about sympathy cards from people whom they don't know well. Best to err on the side of caution when you don't know how they'd react. I would just carry on as you're doing, and perhaps ask them over for coffee or tea one day.

Mookatron · 19/03/2019 16:17

I think it's fine to advise the OP not to do it. But you don't have to be so fucking bitchy about it when she's trying to do something nice. You can't virtue signal on an anonymous forum- no one knows who you are.

OP someone I know set up a 'tea together' meeting for people of all faiths to come and drink tea and eat cake so the gaps of understanding between cultures might lessen a bit. Maybe joining something like that would be nice.

Daisymay2 · 19/03/2019 16:18

Interesting feature on Women's Hour this morning- interview with 2 Muslim women. One, who wears a scarf, had noticed that since Friday more people had been catching her eye and smiling at her which she was interpreted as support. The other mentioned flowers left at the Mosque with a note saying that they stood with them rather than sympathy.
Off topic slightly but worth listening to

CheesyWeez · 19/03/2019 16:27

On Woman's Hour this morning a Muslim woman was saying that a non-Muslim couple had brought some flowers to her mosque with a card saying "We stand with you and are saddened by your loss". She said she was glad to see such a message and the older women especially felt supported.
She also said women have been smiling at her in the street and this is a nice gesture too.

DavetheCat2001 · 19/03/2019 16:29

Haven't read all the replies, but I wouldn't send anything.

I'd just carry on being a good neighbour/taking in parcels etc which to me shows much more solidarity than a random card.

CheesyWeez · 19/03/2019 16:29

Hah DaisyMay I took a really long time to type that ;-) so I hadn't seen yours sorry Blush

MerryMarigold · 19/03/2019 16:29

Well, I think it's a nice thought. If I lived in the Middle East but my neighbours knew I was a church attending Christian and loads of Christians were killed whilst praying in a Church in a different Muslim country, then I think I'd probably be feeling vulnerable. I'd like a card which expressed that they acknowledged my anxiety and reinforced the would be there for me. I think it's nice OP. I think you'd have to be very, very weird to 'take it the wrong way'.

User67836 · 19/03/2019 16:35

Definitely do it! Too many ppl shy away for making connections in life, you feel it, you are saying it in kindness and your intentions are good. Let us know how you get on.

pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 16:51

Sorry, but that is a seriously cringey virtue signalling idea, odd and patronising. Just continue being a good neighbour.

MamaLovesMango · 19/03/2019 16:52

What you should definitely take away from this thread OP is that you should never do anything nice for a human being ever. Don’t ever care about anything that might not concern you directly, don’t feel any kind of empathy or humanity. All people are twats, just don’t be nice to them. You wouldn’t want to give them the wrong impression after all Wink

MissGiddyPants · 19/03/2019 18:07

Oh come on. We can all do acts of kindness for others but unless the OP’s neighbours have direct contact with someone affected by the recent tragedy it would be a seriously bizarre and ill considered thing to do.

Make friends with your neighbours over something else.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 19/03/2019 18:10

Have a word next time you meet naturally. Just reassure them if they ever need help you'll be there for them. I wouldn't bother with a card about a specific terrorist attack. It's not like christian denominations feel a need to send each other condolence cards after other attacks,

Ellisandra · 19/03/2019 18:17

Something to your local mosque - yes.
To your neighbours - looks like virtue signaling even if it isn’t, and just highlights that you see them as Muslim rather than neighbours.

mimibunz · 19/03/2019 18:19

I agree that a bunch of daffodils to say thank you for collecting parcels is a good idea. They will understand your intentions.

Tovisaornottovisa · 19/03/2019 18:26

As a Muslim. I would find it a bit strange. But I would get the intentions and be grateful and happy to have a kind neighbour. But maybe just say something when passing instead. None of my friends who aren't Muslim have even mentioned it...

IWould · 19/03/2019 19:33

Hi OP, I am muslim and I would completely appreciate something like this. Considering that I have been lumped for most of my life with some random terrorist across the globe, it would be nice to have someone acknowledge your existence in a positive way for once!

I doubt that many muslims in the UK would take a kind gesture in a negative way. We are revelling in the fact that we are getting smiles in the streets rather than the usual dirty looks! Send them whatever you feel comfortable with. I really like that picture of two women (one muslim, one non-muslim) hugging that is in circulation. It conveys the message very well.

Thank you for caring Flowers

blankittyblank · 19/03/2019 20:02

I actually disagree with most posters on here. I'm not Muslim, but live in a very Islamic borough, and I know many of them well. I also know how vulnerable they (the ones I know) feel after attacks like this. In fact, even though we live in a very Islamic community, they say they regularly feel vulnerable and also feel like they don't have support of people around them.

Using the example of them giving you a card after an attack on white people is not equivalent as white people aren't vilified in the same way. Plus we're not a minority.

Do it I say!

Meagain19 · 19/03/2019 21:03

Did you send cards to your Christian friends when the churches were shot up? No. So why do it for your presumably British Muslim neighbours. Very weird.

YeahNah1980 · 19/03/2019 23:53

I’d knock on the door with a card and flowers or Mudford. It’s a really nice thing to do.

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