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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending this to my neighbour?

154 replies

Andromeida59 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Hi, we have Muslim neighbours that we say hello too, take in post for etc. I feel so horrified by the attacks in Christchurch that I want to send a card to them with not only condolences but also just a message of solidarity that should they ever experience any negativity, we are with them and would help where we can.

I know they celebrate the religious festivals and have wished them Eid Mubarak before etc. but I don't know if this is over stepping the mark.

Thoughts? AIBU

OP posts:
AliceLiddel · 19/03/2019 14:39

@Andromeida59 (assuming you are non muslim) did they send you anything after the Manchester or London attacks? its a little bit weird. maybe just a big smile when you see them. Very sweet idea though, just in practice may embarrass them.

Time40 · 19/03/2019 14:41

It would be an odd thing to do. I would just try to be nice to them in an ordinary, neighbourly way - in just the same way as you would be pleasant to any other decent neighbours.

Purpleartichoke · 19/03/2019 14:43

Just be a good neighbor.

I’ve had similar impulses before because I just want to do something, anything, to show that we aren’t all awful. Thankfully, like you, I realized it was inappropriate.

gnushoes · 19/03/2019 14:47

My Muslim neighbour was really upset when 9/11 happened and just disappeared for days on end. I knocked on the door to check they were OK and she said she was worried about being out and about when people might just randomly blame/attack Muslims. She said she thought it was really kind that I'd come round to check they were OK. I do think it's worth doing something, tbh. There are attacks in the UK, just on a smaller scale.

BejamNostalgia · 19/03/2019 14:49

I think they might well be offended. I presume that they’re British, did you send them a condolences card when British people are killed? They probably felt just as appalled as everybody else when attacks happened in this country. They shared a nationality with the people who were killed here and they use the same streets and take their children to pop concerts and to visit tourist attractions, the attacks in Britain were probably far more concerning to them because they had a higher chance of being caught up with them as would their own, friends, family, community. Why didn’t you send them a card when those attacks happened?

Basically what you will be saying to your neighbour is that you don’t see them as British or as part of the community here and that you think they have more in common with strangers on the other side of the world than they do with their fellow citizens.

Hanab · 19/03/2019 14:49

Instead of a condolence/sympathy card just send a card or even note with your feelings .. as a gesture of friendship and neighbourhood unity. 🌷

PregnantSea · 19/03/2019 14:50

Don't do this. Your heart is in the right place but sending them a card would be very odd and inappropriate. Go round and see them, that would be better

cdtaylornats · 19/03/2019 14:50

Perhaps a small donation to any charity the local mosque supports in honour of the dead.

RomanyQueen1 · 19/03/2019 14:50

No, please don't it sounds weird tbh.
Talk to them in purpose about the news when you next see them and offer your support then.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 19/03/2019 14:51

Your intention may be kind, but just don’t do it. That is implying that you feel they are in some way closely connected with everyone who shares their religion, they are not.

Frankiestein402 · 19/03/2019 14:52

Go for it - in the spirit of this bod:
www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/mar/16/friendship-over-fear-manchester-man-shows-solidarity-with-local-mosque

NannyRed · 19/03/2019 14:53

Seriously, you’re considering sending your neighbours a condolences card for someone who died on the other side of the world that neither of you know? Sorry op, I know your intentions are good, but that’s just weird!

Why not invite them Over for drinks and nibbles and let them know you think it’s a bloody shame that nutters think gunning down a three year old child is not wrong. All agree that love makes the world better then most ve on to char about local school, extensions, loft conversions and the proposed residents parking/double yellow lines.

Omzlas · 19/03/2019 14:54

My DH is Muslim and I'd find it odd if we received this, although I see where the sentiment is coming from. Invite them for a cuppa by all means but the card is a 'no' from me

MamaLovesMango · 19/03/2019 14:54

Can you just bake/buy a cake and invite them round to share it one afternoon? It’ll be extending a hand of friendship and you can chat and if it comes up, it comes up and you can show your support then. If it doesn’t come up, hopefully they’ll leave knowing they’ve got friends living next door.

thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 14:57

that Manchester man is doing a gesture at the Religious place of worship, it's not the same at all.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/03/2019 14:59

I would send a card to the local Mosque rather than directly to your neighbour.

Just carry on being your friendly self to them.

An attack on a religious building targeting worshipers can happen anywhere, to any faith, so to single out your neighbours in that respect I don't think would be quite fair.

Eliza9917 · 19/03/2019 15:04

I wouldn't. Can you be any more patronising?

Gruffin · 19/03/2019 15:09

I think around 50-60 Christians have been killed by Islamist in the previous week alone. Wouldn’t you find it weird if they sent you condolences for the Church bombing in the Philippines that killed 20 people last week?

Grumpelstilskin · 19/03/2019 15:21

That is just plain weird! As others mentioned, did they sent/gave you anything in the aftermath of Christians being killed in assorted places?

viques · 19/03/2019 15:23

If you must do something then ask at your local mosque if they are planning any community events in the near future and offer to help out. They will probably say no they aren't but you will have shown willing.

cloudymelonade · 19/03/2019 15:24

I dropped off a gift basket and a card at our local mosque. I didn't word it as 'condolences' though, that's a bit personal. Just wrote a message of solidarity

Happyspud · 19/03/2019 15:27

I think this is a bad idea. It just feeds into the ‘them and us’ thing. Like if it had been Muslims bombing a Christian church, would you look at them as related to the terrorists?? Instead your looking at them and seeing them as related to the victims. They are neither.

binkyblinky · 19/03/2019 15:30

I think it's lovely. Also the Muslim
Community as a whole is suffering right now. Send them not condolences but a message of solidarity. They will thank you for it x

Foxyscarf · 19/03/2019 15:33

Nope. It's pigeon holing them. Whilst your intentions are good, I wouldn't want to be banded together with all the other white folk.

Grumpelstilskin · 19/03/2019 15:38

Out of interest OP, when so many innocents were tragically murdered in a night club, targeted for their sexuality, did you send flowers, a card, hamper, rainbow glitter etc to the nearest token gay person?

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