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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
Moonchild1987 · 21/03/2019 14:10

@HalfBloodPrincess that is an amazing achievement. Do you think had you waited it might have been easier to do all that. It is amazing what you achived as well as having a child. Struggled enough with my English Lit degree without a child. Good on you

HalfBloodPrincess · 21/03/2019 14:32

Might have been easier, might not have taken as long (got my 2nd degree at 35) but who knows?

I don’t think there’s a set way to do stuff. This thread is as much a ‘young mum’ bashing thread as an ‘old mum’ one but no one is gonna have the same circumstances.

For me, I always knew I wanted a large family and if I had have started at 36 I wouldn’t have been able to, so our choices were right for us.

The only thing I hate is being referred to as ‘geriatric’ by the maternity services which is standard for all pregnancies over age 35

DeadWife · 21/03/2019 14:33

You cared enough to post about it Piglet?

Piglet89 · 21/03/2019 14:40

@deadwife - no. I cared enough to make the point about your comment. I guarantee you I wouldn’t care a jot if someone thought I was my child’s grandchild.

There is a clear distinction between the two situations.

DeadWife · 21/03/2019 14:51

Ok fair enough. You picked that one thing out from my post though, it wasn't even the main point.

31don74 · 21/03/2019 15:06

Because some people want a life of travelling, partying, working and playing around until they feel ready to settle down and have children. I concieved straight away a month shy of my 43rd birthday and got married a year later - not everyone has to follow the same social narrative!

purplemama1990 · 21/03/2019 15:36

My sister didn't have her first until she was 37, and pregnant with her second now at 40... she waited until then because she hadn't met the right person to have children with until then. My other sister is 34 and still to meet the right person, so hasn't had kids yet. I also know a lady who is pregnant with her first at 36 right now because she always thought she didn't want children at all. Only recently she started to think that she does. I think she just wanted to live her life a bit first before having kids to be honest, but point is she didn't want them until now.

On the other end of it, I'm expecting my first now at 28 after being with my partner for 5 years. We waited until now as we weren't financially stable at all, we still aren't, but are stable enough to be able to take care of a child now. We also wanted to enjoy a few years together of having no children before settling down fully and being responsible for another human being.

To be honest, I think most who try to conceive in their late 30s and have problems probably would have had problems if they had tried when they were younger too. I don't think at that point in their life that age has anything with having no luck of conceiving, there will be another underlying issue there. And you can have children into your 40s too, my mum had my youngest sister when she was 43.

Some people decide to have kids young, and some when they are older, and I guess everyone has different reasons for both.

snowone · 21/03/2019 17:36

Met DH at 29, moved in together at 30, moved house 31, first child 32 (suffered from bad PND) got married 34, second child 36. Would have liked to have done things much sooner but not everyone finds the 'right one' at the time they would like!

Xenadog · 21/03/2019 18:20

Why anyone would ask this question, I do not know. If the OP can’t figure it out for themself then no amount of explanation is going to teach them.

Bobcatcornea · 21/03/2019 23:57

Why anyone would ask this question, I do not know. If the OP can’t figure it out for themself then no amount of explanation is going to teach them

That's rude. Why does anyone ask anything on MN? Not everything is obvious to everyone

ChampooPapi · 22/03/2019 10:55

@Sowing747 I know others flame you but so many women wait and wait for a man to be ready only for him to totally screw her over! or they leave for a younger model and have kids in their 40's, 50's even 60's.

Women do not have endless time, men actually don't either as new studies have shown mens fertility declines at a similar age, its only because a lot of those men are having babies with much younger women that the younger eggs kind of make up for the old sperm.

I would say so may women do and have done what you have done @Sowing747 , not to an unsuspecting partner of a few months or years , but with someone dragging their feet a bit who doesn't have the time limit your body does once you reach mid thirties.

Yes, it is wrong in many circumstances to trick a man like this, but in many circumstances I also think its ok. The things men do to women I mean really! don't have a huge amount of sympathy for them to be honest Grin

And the lucky bastards get beautiful children out of it that the woman usually ends up doing most of the leg work anyway so I see why she did this im afraid!

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 22/03/2019 10:57

So because men can be shits to women that’s a reason lie to your partner, who is (I assume, if you want to have a child with them, though I guess you can never tell) isn’t one of those shits?

That’s one heck of a moral compass you’ve got there, Champoo.

ChampooPapi · 22/03/2019 11:02

Far to many Peter Pan men out there

@Delatron couldn't agree more! And Ive seen men who actually beg and beg for a baby, only to completely 'check out' the moment the baby is born and cant deal with their partner loving someone more then themselves. Some men who want kids make awful fathers, some who don't make the best.

You really don't know until that baby is here and if you want one just go for I say women! its not just about fertility, yes you might have a mortgage paid, a good career but you body is so much more broken in your 40's then 30's

I had a baby in my early 20's and one in my early 30's, and I can tell you my energy was incredible way back when. Yes it was too young probably, and i'm still fit and able god willing now, but for my third I will absolutely not be waiting another 8 years, just carrying them alone is not something I want to do in my 40's

Piglet89 · 22/03/2019 11:03

@ChampooPapi it’s a philosophical and logical fallacy to argue, as you have atttempted to, that two wrongs make a right.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/03/2019 11:04

@ChampooPapi I think you're just speaking an uncomfortable truth. It is what it is. Given a woman goes in to it eyes wide open I wouldn't blame her.

ChampooPapi · 22/03/2019 11:11

I'm not endorsing all women do this, and all women don't have to. It's a case by case thing, and I for one are definitely jealous occasionally of the women I know who are all having their first babies around now ( ages 28-32).

But I know on a success level that I wouldn't be as settled or successful in my life If I hadn't had my first daughter at 22. But for others this could have been catastrophic and completely derailed their life, hopes and dreams.

For me it actually realized so many of my hopes and dreams, and sorted my focus out and it was and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me and and partner. And no I didn't trick him.

There are so many factors and so many grey areas, baby making is not black and white!

ChampooPapi · 22/03/2019 11:14

Well baby 'making' is fairly black and white the old fashioned way Grin

I meant this whole issue from the op and the forgetting a few contraceptive pills with a partner of ten years sort of thing

VladmirsPoutine · 22/03/2019 11:38

I get what you're saying - I know you're not endorsing 'sperm-stealing' by stealth.

ChampooPapi · 22/03/2019 11:44

@VladmirsPoutine sperm stealing by stealth brings to mind ninja women with sample pots Grin

LemonadePockets · 22/03/2019 11:46

I met my DH at 19, we worked hard and bought our home 6yrs later. We got engaged the year after and married the year after that.

We had been together 8yrs but still wanted some time ‘just us’ as a newly married couple. We had a year before we TTC. I was 29, he was 32.

In the hospital I was made feel like an OAP. Our child is 3 & I can’t imagine parenting her at any other stage of my life.

People do what works for them. Live and let live and all that...

HolyForkingShirt · 22/03/2019 13:24

I know others flame you but so many women wait and wait for a man to be ready only for him to totally screw her over!

WTF? If your man is doing this, the correct thing to do is leave him and find a man that does want kids. Not to "accidentally" miss a pill and trick him jesus christ!

VladmirsPoutine · 22/03/2019 13:49

I your end goal is just to have a baby and given you go in to it eyes-wide open then fuck it. Show me a 40+ year old woman that thinks she can just casually stroll off into bliss with a new man. Wanting a baby is a separate and different issue to wanting a relationship.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/03/2019 13:50

*If

MyBoiledEggIsTooSoft · 23/03/2019 19:49

Eh... I thought I had posted my thoughts and was just following the thread.... but why on earth would anyone want to trick someone into having a baby Confused?

I know two ladies late 30s / early 40s, one had IUI (beautiful girl) one had IVF beautiful twins, both went at it alone, both very happy and dated once the children were older....

I don’t see why you would want a (probably reluctant) man in the picture? Seems like the likelihood the relationship would break down is pretty high? Although seems to have worked out for sowing

Piglet89 · 24/03/2019 09:52

Yes, @myboiledegg the thing is, it’s a gamble. I know several women who have done this and their partners are actually delighted with the children they now have and wouldn’t have it any other way. But it is never guaranteed that the men will react that way and, in my mind, would be within their rights to be really annoyed about such a breach of trust in an intimate relationship.

As PPs have said: the answer isn’t to “accidentally” skip a pill and hope for the best. It’s to sit down and have an adult conversation about whether you would like children and when relatively early on (I mean, it’s a timing thing, which can be tricky - I don’t meant slapping your ageing ovaries down on the table in Zizzi on the first date, obviously).

But if a man runs for the hills when you broach such a subject at 6 months in, and you’re at that stage in your early/mid 30s or later, that would ring an alarm bell for me to be honest. Many men need to grow up and wake up to the reality of the finite nature of women’s fertility.