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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
edgeofheaven · 21/03/2019 02:15

Sowing747 does your DH know what you did or are you still keeping that little secret from him?

HarrysOwl · 21/03/2019 05:42

I don't think what @sowing747 did is that rare, either. But being deceptive on that level really is abhorrent & something I chose not to do.

But I did have friends who encouraged the same. I was ready to start TTC but my DH wasn't. Two friends suggested "just forget a few pills...he'll be fine once you're pregnant" Shock

Obviously, I didn't.

DH naturally changed his mind a year later, and it's been great to talk about our plans for a family together.

I really feel it's one of the most deceptive and unacceptable things a woman can do.

MRex · 21/03/2019 07:21

I know a woman who did the same as @Sowing747. Her DP had always said he didn't want children from when we were about 19 for genetic reasons (most likely totally unnecessary but his choice). She thought she knew differently and got pregnant. He was incredibly upset. He loves his little girl dearly, but 7 years on it's clear that their relationship has never recovered. It's such a shame; she could have discussed other options with him but she didn't bother, it's so disrespectful.

DeadWife · 21/03/2019 07:32

Starting your life as a family together based on deception. Can't beat it.

Bobcatcornea · 21/03/2019 07:36

Bloody hell @Sowing747 that really is awful. Does your DH know you lied to him? Just because your relationship worked out I'm sure there are many, many more where it hasn't and I really don't think you should be encouraging people

OftenHangry · 21/03/2019 07:57

If a man does it to a woman it's less acceptable than the other way round.

Not only it's less acceptable. It's also a sexual assault.
www.google.com/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/condom-piercer-faces-jail-for-sexual-assault-10414593

NameChangeNugget · 21/03/2019 08:10

I’ve read it all now. I’m glad I had the consent to start TTC as opposed to having to trick DH into it.

Stunned

Secnarf · 21/03/2019 08:15

I had my daughter at 40. It was a combination of getting through the terrible hours of training and then a series of shitty life events that made it so late.

For me, I just could not see how we could have survived the years of out of hours/night on-calls and the many nights studying for professional exams or writing research papers into the small hours. My husband is a hero for putting up with it all even just with the two of us.

I am in absolute awe of the juniors who are doing it all - they are superwomen in my eyes.

And then there were a string of family bereavements, and time flew.

I am aware how very lucky we were to have my daughter - it wasn’t the plan to wait so long. And things could be very very different.

I thought we’d be TTC once I finished my training at 32, which isn’t late by today’s standards.

The one thing I would say is that it is so much easier - I have a bit more autonomy over my working life and am not having to relocate every year. Also, by the time I had her, I’d had a taste of senior responsibility in the region, and knew that this was sufficient for me. I didn’t want to have a National role or to be high profile in my field. I don’t know whether, had I had her much earlier, I’d have had moments of wondering ‘what if’, or worse, resenting her for holding back my career. I like to think and hope I wouldn’t have, but you just don’t know.

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 08:19

Actually I was very upfront about it once I'd got pregnant, in a "Needs must!" sort of way. He took it on the chin and adores his DCs!

Piglet89 · 21/03/2019 08:25

Because that’s what you want, @Sowing747 - news of your child’s conception being something your husband has to “take on the chin”.

HarrysOwl · 21/03/2019 08:39

Actually I was very upfront about it once I'd got pregnant

I don't believe you, I'm afraid.

And to encourage others to do the same is awful. I'm staggered that you think what you did was acceptable.

edgeofheaven · 21/03/2019 09:07

Actually I was very upfront about it once I'd got pregnant, in a "Needs must!" sort of way.

How can that be possible if you say you’ve pulled this trick twice? If you’d come clean the first time then how did he fall for it again?

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 09:17

Sorry OP I didn't mean to derail your thread!

I know so many people who've done immoral and duplicitous acts within marriage that I would never dream of, so flaming me for this is a bit precious IME.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 09:23

I suspect what Snowing did is more common than you think.

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 09:25

What I might not have made clear is that my DC always said he DID want children eventually. I just didn't make it clear when I was actively trying (I was 37 and it took me 18 months with DC1, so I'm really glad I did it).

It really hasn't had any negative impact on our relationship. I think some posters are reading a bit too much into it.

HaveACupOfCoffee · 21/03/2019 09:30

Although I don’t agree with lying, I don’t see how what snowing did is different to the 1000s of men who promise to ttc ‘in a few years’ then leave, when it’s biologically too late for the woman to meet, marry and ttc with someone else.

HaveACupOfCoffee · 21/03/2019 09:31

*leave or change their mind

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 09:47

And omitting is different to lying!

bellinisurge · 21/03/2019 09:54

That's how life is @MissPollyHadADolly19 . I didn't have a child until my early 40s because that was how my life went.

pootyisabadcat · 21/03/2019 09:58

I can't say I blame you, Snowing but I'd hope my own kids dump a man like your partner long before they're bloody 37! The time to bin 'eventually' men is when you're in your late 20s or 30.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 21/03/2019 09:59

it's lying by omission, Sowing. It is just as bad.

OpportunityKnocks · 21/03/2019 10:01

I know so many people who've done immoral and duplicitous acts within marriage that I would never dream of, so flaming me for this is a bit precious IME.

Then you hang out with a bad crowd!

What you did was plain wrong. I don't care that it happens more than I think. It's wrong.

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 10:13

@pootyisabadcat well I didn't meet him until I was 30! He's also six years younger than me, hence "Needs must".

And yes, I know (and know of) quite a few couples who planned their pregnancies properly with their partners etc, but who have also been unfaithful. I think what I did was very mild in comparison.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 21/03/2019 10:19

that is such a poor way to look at it. Just because what you didn't wasn't as bad as an affair doesn't make what you did anything but bad as well. Comparing yourself to people with such a poor moral compass is hardly the way to go. When you are compared to those who have neither had affairs nor deceived their DPs in such a manner, you really compare very badly indeed.

snoogans · 21/03/2019 10:27

Is a disgusting thing to do sowing and I can't believe you're still attempting to minimise and justify it.
You completely changed someone's life without his consent.
If he'd left you when pregnant he would have still had to pay for the kid he didn't want and been vilified for leaving.

What if you'd been unable to conceive? At what point would you have said "well we need to go for IVF because btw we've been ttc for a year now, I just didn't tell you."

It's the action of a vile and selfish person.