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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
BeanBagBalls · 19/03/2019 14:17

Money, career, relationships, stable home etc.

This.

I live in Spain. There are no benefits of any type (child benefit, tax credits etc), so people don't have kids until they can afford them. Rarely see parents in their 20's. We were considered young parents because we had the DC in our early 30's.

Jayne35 · 19/03/2019 14:19

I do think there is a risk that it may not happen. I had children early 20s, re married and early thirties decided to try for another baby, didn't happen and tests at 33 revealed I was peri-meno which was a shock however we decided not to try IVF (DH had no children so we would have been allowed through NHS), In my case I'm thankful I didn't wait.

MrsSpenserGregson · 19/03/2019 14:19

What @sleepyhead and @Usernumbers1234 said

I got married at 28. At that point I was utterly convinced that I'd never want children. At 31, I felt broody. Had my first baby at 32.

I just wasn't ready in my 20s. I only finished university aged 23, and spent the next few years in a crazy busy high-pressure City job. I didn't have time to look after myself, let alone a baby.

flumpybear · 19/03/2019 14:20

If I'd had a baby in my 20's I'd have ruined my career trajectory,as well as the fact my now DH and I would have emotionally struggled back then (we were together then too) as well as financially

After finishing uni (phd) we were married probably within about 2 years (time to save!) and got straight ttc - I was 33 then, didn't have first til 36, second at 40. This worked for us, likely we'll manage to stay married as we're emotionally more stable and mature and have had enough time being a couple not to miss the time as a couple but actually enjoy spending time as a family on family meals out, family holidays etc - we can have more couple type holidays when they're st university (or whatever they decide to do)

Purpleartichoke · 19/03/2019 14:21

I never wanted to be in a position where I was financially dependent on a man. That means I needed to have a good career established and some savings built up before having a child. I have watched too many women stay in bad relationships because they didn’t have any way of supporting themselves and their children. It’s actually how I grew up. I am teaching my daughter that every woman needs to be prepared for her partner to turn into a massive dick. Most wont, but enough do, that having children before financial independence is far too risky.

SweetheartNeckline · 19/03/2019 14:22

I had my eldest at 23 but we were in pretty unique circumstances - we met when I was a teenager and because of a large inheritance we bought our home mortgage free and had some good holidays too. DH and I both worked in the public sector so were well looked after and relatively secure in our jobs. We got married young (I was 21). Luckily, we live and have always lived somewhere very affordable.

I think it's very unusual for most people to have that combination of circumstances - a secure home, plus a stable career-type job, plus having met their life partner - until they're much older. As I said, for us it's literally because DH's parents died.

I wouldn't have wanted to have DC outside of marriage, or without the stability our circumstances have afforded us. If that would have taken me an extra decade or more (As it has many of my friends) then waiting until mid 30s or later to have DC would have been a risk I'd have had to take.

FlagranceDirect · 19/03/2019 14:24

We waited until financially stable and could live on one income as I wanted to be a sahm and DH agreed. It was a good decision

CostanzaG · 19/03/2019 14:24

What a silly question. Can you really not understand why?

stairway · 19/03/2019 14:24

Why do couples wait so long? Even when they’ve met when they were younger and appear settled. I think it’s particularly to do with the man not being keen and then the womens hormones kick in. It’s a cultural thing though.

SnowdropsiUnderTrees · 19/03/2019 14:25

Yes YABU to ask that. I should think it's pretty obvious or is this a sly dig at older mothers?

KC225 · 19/03/2019 14:25

Met.my DH when I as 39 and a half. He was the first person I could imagine starting a family with. Another relationships had never been right distance, reluctance, committal issues. Had to have IVF but had twins at 42.

cricketmum84 · 19/03/2019 14:25

I had my kids at 20 and 24. If I had my time again I wouldn't have had them until now (age 34).

Imho parents in their 30s are wiser, more patient and more able to cope with the bad days that parenting brings. I really struggle now with my teenager and often think I would cope better if I was a little older.

I sometimes feel I've missed out on a big part of life by having my babies so young. But then again I will be on a world cruise at 45 not having to worry about school runs lol!!

hammeringinmyhead · 19/03/2019 14:26

I wouldn't have got a mortgage at 23 if I was working part time or paying for nursery. The first house we could afford only had a cupboard as a second bedroom. I wanted to tick a few places off the bucket list. And we didn't want any children until we reached 33, at which point we wanted to experience being parents as well as our husband/wife relationship.

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2019 14:27
  • Because they boyfriends I had through my 20s were a) not suitable as ling term prospects b) not interested in having children at that point anyway
  • Because I think if you are going to bring children into this world its nice for them to have 2 parents, rather than 1 parent and a sperm donor

-Because kids need somewhere secure to live, enough to eat, parents who arent constantly scraping around for every last penny.

  • Because, in my 20s, I had better things to do.
Original poster
MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:27

Some of the arsey replies are typical MN - literally just a question no malicious intent, although its apparently "obvious" reasons for why, I just wanted to hear some real life experiences that's all. Serves me right for being a nosey bugger I guessGrin
As for the actual replies, a couple I know had lived in the US for majority of their lives and when they returned to the UK had children (aged 39) had no problems conceiving, yet another couple, a little older started TTCing and was never able to. It felt like a sensitive question to ask IRL but it always intrigued me.

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 19/03/2019 14:28

DH and I had been together 13 years, just didn't fancy having children. Then 2 close friends went through breast cancer and one close friend had undiagnosed infertility and 3 failed rounds of ivf, we were mid-30s and thought we'd better crack on if we wanted one.

Neither of us have careers. We own our 2nd hand car but will be eternal renters. But we have a child, a dog, flexible jobs we like and a view of the sea, so we're happy enough.

KateTTC123 · 19/03/2019 14:31

No interest in having children before 30. I was too busy traveling, moving up the career ladder, drinking, socializing and dating. If anything I think 31 was pretty young to have had my first and I can't imagine how folk feel ready before then! No regrets about waiting as I really enjoyed life before kids and don't feel frustrated I can't do as much now.

bigKiteFlying · 19/03/2019 14:33

I think the usual cited ideal mid to late 20's is actually bad career wise - at least that what DSis and I have found.

Older mothers we met have usually been in a better position to get p/t flex working or continue with their careers. I don't know if it's related but often seem to have better support networks around them.

I’ve also known a few people who were parents early – some have gone on to have large families spread out over time so affordable or like my IL were child free by 40 and had time and money to enjoy next decades and save for retirement.

Plus, older parents have also usually brought the house - we had kids before we could buy not the "traditional" way round.

Ata a society level women's education levels are often cited as the major factor - but IME it's usually the men who want to wait - not an issue I had with DH.

I think our society is current set up to encourage children later which when this is then seen as undesirable it’s then blamed all on women.

itsgoodtobehome · 19/03/2019 14:34

Because I didn’t meet someone I wanted to have kids with until I was 38. Some people are a bit more selective about who they choose to procreate with than others......

PackingSoap · 19/03/2019 14:36

I had my first and only child at 42 after being married for twelve years.

The reason we waited so long was that we got caught out by the house price boom of the noughties and renting long term was unviable in our area. We realised that if we were ever going to have a chance at living somewhere appropriate for a child and having no housing costs in retirement, then we needed a decent deposit.

So we spent our 30s working and saving. We just weren't in a financial position to start a family.

Some of our friends in a similar position just went the "fuck it" route and borrowed a lot to get to a position where they could start a family. Now, in their early 40s, they are so swamped with debt and the financial pressure is so horrendous, marriages are starting to break up.

I often think that had it not been for the explosive rise in the cost of housing, I would have had my dd seven years before I did.

bigKiteFlying · 19/03/2019 14:39

Some people are a bit more selective about who they choose to procreate with than others......

or lucky to find a decent bloke early.

I met DH at 18 - so we'd been together nine years before we decide to have a child.

Arowana · 19/03/2019 14:40

I know what you mean OP.

I have a friend who had a stable relationship (got married in her mid 20s), a well-paid job and knew she wanted children, but still left it very late before TTC. She and her DH eventually had their DC aged 43 and 47 after many rounds of IVF. Obviously I've never asked her why they didn't start sooner, as that would be really insensitive and nosey, but I would be interested to know!

IncrediblySadToo · 19/03/2019 14:42

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amusedbush · 19/03/2019 14:44

I met DH at 21, moved in at 23, married at 25 and we are both just about to turn 29. Neither of us have any inclination for kids right now - if at all.

We hope to own a house outright this year (inheritance) and I'm career-focused. I'm doing my masters now and plan to start a doctoral programme next year, hopefully finishing when I'm 35. We can reassess then.

PoesyCherish · 19/03/2019 14:46

For me it's that I'm off to university in September (retraining) and apparently it's a bad idea to have a DC whilst studying, not to mention we'd have huge financial issues if we did. So by the time I graduate, get a job, be there long enough to get enhanced maternity pay and build up our savings a bit I'll be mid thirties. We also want to enjoy our time together just the two / three of us (I have a DSD) for a while and enjoy all the short trips and more further afield holidays we do.