To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

I think what sowing did was wrong, but I think she's right that it's probably quite common, and I can also see why, when a lot of men will happily put it off forever and not care that they are ruining the woman's chances of ever having children.

If a man clearly says he doesn't want kids then it's a terrible thing to do.

If a man says he does want kids, but keeps putting it off indefinitely, then I think it's more understandable. I didn't do it myself but I will admit I put pressure on ex instead - because his attitude was unfair.
It would have cost me the chance to have kids but cost him nothing as he could always have them with someone younger.

Sowing how on earth can you justify this based on what others are doing? It's wrong, immoral and a bloody awful thing to do.

I'm sorry, but I don't buy this "poor women, my husband put off marriage/kids for 10 years and now I'm infertile! Bloody men pulling all the strings"

You have a brain and legs and free will! Don't want to wait? Then don't. I was very upfront with my partner that I wouldn't wait >4 years for a proposal, for example. I pretty much said that when it gets to that long, I'd propose myself or go. He was in agreement about not waiting for years for marriage and proposed after 1.5 years.

Same with kids. As it turns out, I'm the one that wants to put it off, but if he was like "oh just another year....and another one....", I would be very upfront about when I would wait until and when I'd just leave. This is a conversation you should be having early in your relationship, so you're on the same page. I don't understand how it even gets to the situation of being with someone for 10 years then finding out they don't want marriage/kids!

@Sowing747 if you know quiet a few couples where one has cheated on the other maybe you need to reevaluate the company you keep. Especially if you got advice doing such a deceitful thing to your partner. I hope when I have kids and they grow up they don't end up with a partner like you

@Sowing747 if you know quiet a few couples where one has cheated on the other maybe you need to reevaluate the company you keep.

Oh come on, who doesn't. Cheating is very, very, very common.

Agree, you have to take responsibilitiy for your future, if you want kids and meet a man in your 30s then you don’t have years and years to see if he is ‘the one’ or for him to string you along. You need to be upfront and if that scares him off then that was the right decision. Far to many Peter Pan men out there.

Too many

@BrinkPink I could certainly not remain friends with someone that cheated and would cut them out as soon as I could. I guess at 31 I just feel my life is too short to keep company with toxic people that are negative

What about the cheatee? I've remained "friends" with couples, but actually primarily the woman, when she was being or had been cheated on. In those cases eventually the relationships ended, but some marriages do survive cheating. Life isn't that simple - you can't just ditch anyone you know because someone in a relationship cheated. Neighbours, colleagues, friends in a friendship group or that you share a hobby or activity with - ditch them all immediately?

What if someone cheated but they were in an impossible, abusive or sexless relationship and felt unable to leave? Life is complicated.

I'm not defending cheating btw and never have myself. But I think over 50% of people admit to it in surveys, so if you think your friends are all pure as the driven snow, you're probably wrong.

Presumably sowing’s DH realised after the first pregnancy that she had not been truthful about contraception. He was pretty dim to let it happen a second time, more likely he knew fine and was too lazy to take any emotional responsibility for it till he had to. I feel sad for her having such a crap relationship with her husband and having to do this all alone -talking about “when I was trying” instead of “we”- how sad.

I also can’t remotely imagine my DH not twigging that I was TTC- no way would he have expected that much sex without an ulterior motive!

@BrinkPink if my friend was cheated on yes I would be there for them. I would help them leave their partner and support them where I can. Should they chose to stay I would remain friends but ask to they never ask me to be in the same room as the partner or come crying to me on a weekly basis. I offered help if they chose to stay there is nothing I can do for them.

I guess you have a point that I might just not know but at least they have the sense to keep me out of their business they know I will not approve of

It would have cost me the chance to have kids but cost him nothing as he could always have them with someone younger.
I think this is a huge part of the puzzle - yes men can father children later in life but more recent research is showing younger women with older men as partners take longer to conceive, have higher rates of miscarriage and are more likely to have children with disabilities.

I grew up hearing about women leaving it too late in the media – it’s a more recent things to see articles like these:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/the-biological-clock-applies-as-much-to-men-as-it-does-to-women-a6710981.html
www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/fatherhood/11880039/Thirtysomething-and-childless-why-are-men-waiting-to-have-babies.html

It’s not as clear cut for men as it is for women.

Though I know several women who got caught out with pg in late 40 and one at 50 – as they’d absorbed all the messages about older women not being as fertile.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/10838177/Why-fertility-is-far-from-finished-at-40.html
Britain’s largest abortion provider, pointed out that more abortions were carried out for women over 40 than among teenagers

I’ve never been broody. Met DH at uni, but I waited till mid-30’s to have a baby, as I was too busy building a career across 3 continents. DH gave me an ultimatum about having a baby and I agreed, thinking it would take a while to conceive. Each time it’s worked first time (3 pregnancies).

I think the press exaggerates the loss of fertility at age 35!! Perhaps it’s an average. From my wide group of friends (all starting TTC from age 34/35), half have conceived straightaway and half have had some issues TTC (over a year). Only a few have needed IVF.

I always wonder and feel sorry for women who have them so young - say, age 26/27 or younger.
What life and experiences have they had? Have they been able to buy a house, clear student debt, enjoyed their younger years?

I also feel sorry for those that leave it too late to conceive naturally and have to go through all that stress/expense and increased likelihood of abnormalities etc. Then being mistaken for grandma if they do.

Middleground ground is probably best if you're thinking practically. Surprise pregnancies happen though and not everyone can or wants to go through with an abortion even if life circumstances aren't ideal.

Ground

I’d have had one or two by now, but turns out you need some sperm, and it’s better if comes with a man.

Some don't meet partners until later in life. Some put career first. I think age 30 is a reasonable time to wait until if you have a partner you want dc w. Any later thought, its a gamble you might not have kids!

Thanks gifted but you really don't need to feel sorry for me, I have a wonderful life including owning a house, two degrees, a job I enjoy etc. Having my son has merely enhanced my life and I am not missing out :)

Not a choice, just circumstances. Didn’t meet right man until 36 then it obviously takes a couple of years of being together/living together until you know it’s for good. Conceived at 38 then had a MMC, by which time I’d turned 38, took us another 4 months to conceive again and baby born a week before I turned 40.

I have a wonderful life including owning a house, two degrees, a job I enjoy etc

Me too, and I had my first at 22.
Children are not a hindrance- having mine young has never held me back in achieving what I set out to do or making a success of myself.
I’m about to have my 4th at an age that most on this thread are having their 1st!

What is TTC ing?

TTC = trying to conceive

@deadwife why would I care if a stranger mistook me for the grandmother of my child?

Advantage of maturity is that one often has rock-solid self confidence and gives much less of a sh*t what other people think about things that don’t concern them.