Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

553 replies

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 19/03/2019 14:04

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck Sad obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 20/03/2019 21:31

I often wonder why some women have babies so young eg before higher education is finished or before career established etc

The same way OP is being bashed for asking the question, this statement also shows a lack of insight into other people’s lives (not directed at you specifically Turquoise but people in general who think this way).

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a great start in life. There is a valid reason why the largest proportion of pregnant teens come from care homes. I had a very abusive childhood. I was never brought up to believe I was going to have a further education (apparently that was for rich clever people, not stupid poor ones like me) much less an actual “career”. I wanted to be an air hostess and was told by my parents, many times, I was too ugly! No other reason apparently, I just wasn’t pretty enough. I believed what they said, I had no one around me to tell me otherwise.

At 16 my father ordered me to go to the factory nearby and ask for a job, so I could contribute (give him money to buy drink). Is it really that surprising I rushed into the arms of the first man who came along? It was my escape. Turned out he was an abusive asshole just like my dad. But that’s probably no surprise. But I did have two beautiful children. Children who inspired me to get that degree and get that career. To do all the things I was told I’d never be able to do. They never went without, I made damn sure of that. Ok there were no exotic holidays or numerous clubs activities but they were well loved, fed and looked after. And they have turned into amazing wonderful adults. So I don’t regret it one tiny bit.

Not every child has that school/uni/career trajectory. For many reasons. Is that so hard to understand?

reetgood · 20/03/2019 21:34

Because I wasn’t sure I wanted a child. Then I was ready. No mystery really. Started ttc at 36, became pregnant 37, gave birth aged 38.

The thing about women’s fertility declining sharply after 35 relies on 300 year old data. More up to date studies report 85% of women between 35-39 ttc falling pregnant within a year.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176

DeniseRoyal · 20/03/2019 22:07

Because a, I was having too much fun, and b, I only met OH when I was 36.

TaleOfTheContinents · 20/03/2019 22:49

Because my 20s were a fantastic whirlwind of travelling, socialising, living abroad, climbing the career ladder and nights out that ended at 5am. I wouldn't change a thing!

All felt like the right timing to us. I look at our friends who had kids in their early/mid 20s and just went from uni into jobs into family and never had any of the adventures and fun we've had, and I'm glad we made that choice.

Sowing747 · 20/03/2019 23:06

To all those women mentioned whose partners keep/kept delaying, just do what I did and stop using contraception without telling them!

If you've been with a partner long enough and they are still 'delaying' I don't think it's wrong to just take things into your own hands.

It was a shock both times for my DH, but he couldn't be happier now!

snoogans · 20/03/2019 23:11

Sowing747 that's fucking appalling. You should be ashamed of yourself for doing that.

Abouttimemum · 20/03/2019 23:16

I just never wanted kids. It was never on my radar at all. We’ve been together since our late teens. Then I got to about 35 and just changed my mind. It has been a long road but I’m due our first child next month after several years of trying and some heartache along the way.

We’ve done absolutely everything together, we own our house outright, we’ve done all the doing what we want when we want, been all over the world, have good jobs, and we know ourselves and each other inside out. It’s the right time for us.

I have no idea if we’d have faced the same fertility issues had we tried 10 years ago but I absolutely don’t regret anything about our life together or the decisions they’ve made.
Having or not having children does not define you as a person.

I think each to their own.

Abouttimemum · 20/03/2019 23:19

And I agree no one should ever be tricked into being a parent. That’s disgusting. My husband was with me whether not I wanted children. And I’d have done the same for him. It’s a joint decision and if it’s something one of you wants but the other doesn’t then you shouldn’t be together

OftenHangry · 20/03/2019 23:28

@Sowing747 fucking hell

Is this a wind up? I heard some women do that, but... Fucking hell

Moonchild1987 · 20/03/2019 23:33

To us persinally it was important to get married first. It took seven years of going out and six years of living together for fiancé to propose. I will be 34 in 2021 by the time I have my first child if all goes well. It was our choice because neither of us felt fully ready or mature enough, we wanted to wait till we are financially secure enough where I could stay at home to look after the kids. To this day I still don't feel 100% ready for this responsibility as I am just winging it 80% of the time and no clue how adulting actually works.

It could be cultural. Only one of the girls I went to school with that was part of my friendship group has a child so far and it was an accident so not exactly planned. Both mine and fiancé's parents were older parents for their generation having children in their 30s so to me it was very much the message to have a stable household income, own a home, and find a good reliable partner you want to raise a child with that can provide or a successful career myself that will allow my child to have the same standard of lifestyle I grew up with.

Is it wrong to have kids in early 20s? no it's just not a choice I or people in my social circle would choose.

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 20/03/2019 23:34

sowing Shock as if you did that and are so blasé about it! That's awful and not something you should be encouraging.

Seniorschoolmum · 20/03/2019 23:36

Finding the right man. Being established in a career so I could provide for my dc, having enough house equity to feel relatively secure, being mature enough - which I definitely wasn’t at 25,

And then, waiting until I actually wanted a child. Which didn’t happen until I was late 30s. Before then, I didn’t feel any need to be a mum at all.

Moonchild1987 · 20/03/2019 23:41

@Sowing747 that is horrid what you did. I wonder would you be this balsé if it was the man that fiddeled with the contraceptives. No one should be forced or tricked into parenthood

DaisyEmma · 21/03/2019 00:08

I don’t know why people are being funny about the question, I read it to mean people who could have kids earlier choose to wait till later....

I think kaboodle is being quite rude, I’ve met women in their late 30’s/ 40’s who could absolutely pass for 20 something- my best friend for one! How could she know that’s not the case here?

I had an unplanned first child at 30 and a second at 35, personally I felt I was a considerably better mother second time- more patience and felt it was more my natural time to be a parent, but I bet this varies massively person to person.

Tessabelle74 · 21/03/2019 00:14

What a twattish question! Should we all get knocked up by some random bloke in our twenties to satisfy you? For me, I waited until I could give my kids a decent father, that took until I was 33 so I do apologise if that bothers you!

Ticketybootoo · 21/03/2019 00:27

I had my first child at 34 and second
at 39 . Obstetrician asked on second pregnancy how long I I had tried to concieve for and I said 1st time . He said ‘ well that’s hereditary ‘ . If we all only knew that ! Would make decisions easier . I am not bragging 1st birth was awful and left me with lots if problems . Frankly if
I had met the right partner would have had children earlier - definitely in mr 20s for multiple reasons . The decision on when to have kids is personal for all of us ...

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 00:32

I was actually encouraged to do it by a friend who said most of her friends had started their families that way. And I was 37 when I started. TTC.

Moonchild1987 · 21/03/2019 00:41

@Sowing747 does not make what you did any more excusable. How would you feel if you found out your partner had fiddled with the contraceptives after you made it clear you are not ready to have children yet?

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 00:53

Absolutely no regrets. Nor has my DH. I think it's a lot more common than most people think will admit to

Lizzie48 · 21/03/2019 00:56

It wasn't a good idea to admit that on AIBU, @Sowing747 this is AIBU and you were always going to get flamed. You're fortunate that your DH accepted your pregnancies. It could easily have turned out very differently.

And I agree with PPs that it was wrong to do what you did. Hmm

edgeofheaven · 21/03/2019 01:36

Sowing747 I think what you did is wrong but I agree with you that it's more common than people will admit.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 21/03/2019 01:37

Because they didn't/couldn't find the right person until later or didn't want to be weighed down with kids at a young age.
There are some people who just can't get the right person at all so just settle for whomever.
There is also panic involved in some cases,biological clock and even pressure on couples due to that.
In my own case, I can't have kids due to previous issues and have never wanted them and never will and I'm late 30s.

Hanywany · 21/03/2019 01:46

Met hubby at 18 married at 19 had ds 1 at 21 then ds 2 at 23 then dd at 24 then ds3 at 29 so i got lucky and found the right person straight away and didnt want to be an older mother!

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 21/03/2019 01:49

@sowing747

That's appalling and shameful.
I'm sure if it had been the other way around you'd have not been so upfront about it.
Tricking men into parenthood is wrong and you seem to have morally dodgy friends.
I wonder how they would have felt if it was the other way round for them too.
If a man does it to a woman it's less acceptable than the other way round.
I feel sorry any child who finds out as an adult they were conceived this way.

Sowing747 · 21/03/2019 02:11

Seriously, anyone taking issue with my 'approach', we had been together for six years at the time, now happily married for 17 years and still best friends with two lovely DCS.