To ask why people delay TTCing until later on in life?

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Just that really, curious as to why some women wait until late 30s/40s to TTC for their 1st. It's become more and more common recently and I can't help but feel sad when people I know who have waited until the end of their "biological clock" and have no luck obviously I wouldn't ask them outright hence asking here.

This.. Met my wife when she was 37. Started having kids right away. Now 3 great children and we're mature enough to not question if we're doing it right. Last on was her 42 and me 50. Works for us.

Thank you @Kelp23 😊 Just hope I get to meet this one. I’m so sorry to hear you went through the same. It really is a rollercoaster xx

Yes. They are.

Literally didn't want a family until I was 32. Then I wanted 3. That change of mind could happen at any age.

I'm sure by now OP realises there are numerous reasons.....! I didn't meet my DH until I was 34, then we didn't want to rush into anything so didn't marry until i was 39. Started trying straight away, found I was perimenopausal, tried IVF - no luck - went abroad for donor eggs and ended up with two lovely DCs. (even if DD loves to take the mickey about how old I am....).

Guess I wouldn't have planned it quite that way (and was unlucky to have an early menopause) but if you don't meet Mr Right then that's what happens. Plus I really wouldn't have been ready much earlier in life. I would probably have tried going it alone had I hit 40 and been single, as I always wanted a family - but as it was I had a great social life, good career, mortgage-free house etc - there are lots of benefits about being an older Mum.

Each to their own - and their own circumstances - I suppose........

It is not something you can do on your own! I preferred a bloke to a clinic. Married at 36 and sadly too late 😢

Im 36, been with DP ten years and we’ve just had our first DC. We waited until we felt 100% ready for our lives to completely change. We’re both very career driven and loved our posh holidays and ski trips!

Most people can’t afford children at all. Those who can afford them usually can’t until well into their thirties. People le who have children they can’t afford and gleefully force the bill of educating, feeding etc them onto the taxpayer are one of the reasons that responsibile people have no choice but put it off.

Because they are fussy about who will contribute half of their childrens' DNA.

OP is talking about couples who consciously choose to wait. Then everyone piles in with the obvious reasons. Of course if you haven’t met the right man etc then that is a valid reason.

At 34 I wouldn’t wait 5 years to marry to ‘not rush things’ if children were important to me. I think you know after a few years whether you want to be with someone especially as you get older. I think this is the type of situation she means...

@peskypooches oh 100% I have more than I bargained for lol. You have definitely had the advantage of being able to recieve donor eggs, not to pry and don't answer if it's too sensitive but do you think you would of felt any differently had you not had that option? Or would you of been content as you were? Lol my DD thinks everyone lives to 100 and when she found out my age her response was well you're not far off from half way to dying 😂 my DstepM is 46, her youngest is 5 and she is such a wonderful parent. I envy her patience and whole being when it comes to parenting. Even though she struggled immensely she is the epiphany of an earth mother, that is something that you don't see in younger parents as I think patience increases with age.

@Delatron yes completely, that is exactly what I meant. I get infertility, being single and any other by circumstance not by choice reason for not TTC. Only wanted to understand the reasoning behind any other decision to delay.

Surely most people do things when they’re ready, I assume that they have a good reason etc...and their reasons are none of my business. This is a bit like when people have one dc and people question or judge when or if they are having more!

By and large people make the choices that suit them. This type of question almost always causes a knee jerk retaliation of people who had their children younger must be: financially insecure , dead end job, etc.

We had 3 children in 4 years. We’d been together for ten years, married, owned our own home etc and then went wild and had them all at once in our early 30s. People, probably rightly, thought we were mad! But we’ve had a great time bringing our children up, we have a great house, we’re ok for money, have good jobs etc. And I’m looking forward to being on the other side less demands from little children, having more time for each other etc while we’re still fairly young. The thought of starting now (as some of my friends have) is dreadful to me, but I can understand why people choose to have their children later. It’s horses for courses surely!!

Money money money and that's it IME

I have a friend who's a teacher in a private junior school (she taught Susannah Constantine's children). Almost all the parents are mid-20s compared to the mid 30s to early 40s I've experienced in my DC's state school.

She said the mums are nearly all university educated, but met well connected, high earners early on and gladly gave up their careers to have children.

The rest of us (in the real world) have to wait until the mum's career is at the right point that nine months off won't mean she's risking redundancy down the line, and that they can cope on the dad's salary if that happens.

I've been with my partner since we were 16, but it's taken 13 years to get to a position where we were ready for kids. We had to: finish education, do some travelling in my case, find a city we were both happy in, and buy a house. Sometimes it just takes a long time to set up a life.

sorry OP, I wasn’t saying that you were wrong to make the decision you did when you were 17, I was trying to point out how far removed my own mindset was from yours at the same age, to illustrate that when people do things it may be difficult to understand why because their frame of reference is so different to our own.

oh go away. You could work this out for yourself without all of rhe above answers. What you were actually looking for was an oppurtunity to feel superior.

There are SO many reasons why!

I guess career & finances are significant ones

The most important is finding the right person to do it with!

I often wonder why some women have babies so young eg before higher education is finished or before career established etc.

Not talking about accidental pregnancy, those who are actively TTC at age 20 or whatever

Often they struggle financially for years and it all just seems much garde as a consequence (I speak from what I've seen of a cousin of mine)

That's the flip side to this debate

@MissPolly I always wanted children in theory, but was enjoying life and career etc so didn't rush, always assumed it would happen easily enough when I was ready. My DM had 5 of us easily - but obv at a much younger age, I suppose I was stupidly over-confident. When the consultant told us I had no eggs, it was a bit of a shock but I still had that daft view that I'd still have a family somehow.

We looked at adoption and would have gone down that route if donor eggs were unsuccessful - but the LA said you tend to get older children with issues (understandably) and as we had no experience of kids that was quite a scary thought. The consultant suggested we go abroad as there is a long waiting list for eggs in the UK, and they tend to be from older women so have a lower success rate, so we went to Spain. Very lucky to get DTs first time (tried for the third frostie later but no luck) but I am aware that I might have struggled to carry a child easily, or other things could have prevented us having children through that route.

Bottom line is I would have been utterly devastated to be childless (although I know lots of people choose that, or come to terms with it OK) and we are very lucky to have our family. Doubly blessed that they are biologically my DH's, although he would have supported adoption. I can't imagine not having children, it was always the plan, although perhaps I took too much for granted when I was young........

I was financially set up so would have tried donor sperm at 40. However - I would have found I needed eggs too - not sure what I would have done as a single parent. Very lucky not have reached that point.

I am very lucky! That said - I have told DD not to rush into having kids but enjoy a social life and career first! Plus I expect people will freeze their eggs by the time she's grown up , or at least have tests to tell them how long they have left . But I probably wouldn't recommend 44 as an ideal age for a first baby - although it has been great for me, and I am much more chilled than I would have been when younger. However, I may never see my GCs (def not GGCs), and I am the oldest Mum at the school gates!

Because I like a good game of chicken.

I conceived at the age of 30. I love my DC too bits but i now actually wish I had waited longer and done more stuff. Ce la vie

I got married at 37 and had my first child at 38 and my second at 40. I feel very blessed. I would have preferred to have had children at a younger age but just hadn't meet the right person until I was in my 30's.

Because I didn't want to settle with the first sperm that came swimming along

@winniestone37

oh go away. You could work this out for yourself without all of rhe above answers. What you were actually looking for was an oppurtunity to feel superior

This! It's like saying I feel sorry for teenage mothers and they should explain themselves.

If OP says they understand fertility issues, finance issues, being single etc etc then surely they have a pretty well rounded idea already. This is just a goady thread dressing up 'curiosity' as judgement.

I met my DH at 32, married at 33. We started TTC from the start, but I never conceived. We went through 2 cycles of IUI, and 2 of IVF, but discovered that I had no eggs at 37. We then chose the adoption route and have 2 DDs of nearly 10 and just 7.

I'm 49, sometimes I wish I was 10 years younger, but OTOH I did lots of things with my life that I couldn't have done with kids, so I'm happy with where my life is now.

I can't help thinking it was a silly question, as you can see from this thread, there are so many different reasons why women have families later in life.