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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
Justanothervoiceintheworld · 20/03/2019 18:49

He hid it from you. Honest is not how I would describe someone like this. Dating sites are perfect for letting out your true self since there is no risk to being honest. he hid this from you for 5 months hoping you would be so overtaken by him you would not care or guilt you into a relationship you do not want. People may call you shallow but what you are thinking is exactly what humans need to do. We are animals. We look for the best genetics to continue the humans race. There is no way we can change this in our biology but people try by forcing themselves into relationships because it's "shallow".

JazzyBBG · 20/03/2019 18:50

If he was a heavy drinker with teeth like that I'd bet my life it was scotch and coke, my FIL is the same and that's why, it's gross. I'd ask him why.

HomoHeinekenensis · 20/03/2019 18:50

Are you sure he wasn't wearing a set of fake 'Billy Bob' teeth as a test OP?

Grin Grin

Not shallow. It would make me suddenly be interested in an old flame as far as he was concerned. I don't think I would mention it. If he can't manage to sort his grid out it would make me wonder what else he was incapable of doing for himself quite honestly but I'm grumpy today

Crossfitgirl · 20/03/2019 18:56

His teeth problem could just be a result of his past drinking and perhaps poor mouth hygiene all those years ago, he could actually have very good hygiene now and look after his teeth, but perhaps doesn't /hasn't until now felt the need to have them sorted out cosmetically. He may also not have the money to do that - dental work can cost hundreds /thousands. He also may not like the dentist or have a phobia!

It would put me off too, but if you really do like him in all other ways, I'd say it's worth asking him about it just to find out what the situ is. If he's offended and doesn't think there's a problem - then problem solved... You've done the ending of things.
But if he's actually already well aware of it, and is on his agenda to sort them out, and maybe just didn't want to bring it up on a first date... Then that solves your problem.
Question is do you like him enough to have that conversation?

If you're not that fussed tbh I'd just tell him you didn't feel any chemistry and end it there.

I think it's likely he'll be very, very well aware of his teeth and appearance as he sees it every day in the mirror... Its gonna be a sensitive subject either way!

What do you think you will do?

MikeUniformMike · 20/03/2019 18:58

I don't think you are shallow but IME men won't change. I think you should tell him kindly but firmly that he needs to get his teeth fixed.

Proudofmynane · 20/03/2019 19:00

It doesn't really matter if Mumsnet thinks you're shallow does it?? His teeth are disgusting and you are grossed out. Quite rightly too I might add!! Tell him so and move on. Or suggest he gets a good dentist pronto. How healthy can he be with his mouth in that state tho. Your post should have had a trigger warning :@

DobbyTheHouseElk · 20/03/2019 19:00

Drinking is a red flag

Poor teeth sorry no. I couldn’t.

I think there something in his past which isn’t good. Run for the hills while you still have a chance.

GraceMarks · 20/03/2019 19:00

Somebody else summed it up for me further back. Imagine a man going on a date with a woman who he thought was a lovely person but he didn't physically fancy her for whatever reason. Do you think he'd be tying himself in knots about whether he was beimg shallow and trying to justify not wanting to see her again? I doubt it. He would probably conclude, quite rightly, that he was perfectly entitled to fancy or not fancy whoever he wanted for any reason or none. It only seems to be women who think they have to "give him a chance" if he's a nice guy, despite not being able to bear the idea of kissing him!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/03/2019 19:09

So many people seem to have connected the past drinking with the bad teeth. Over the last 10 plus years, I've met hundreds of people in AA all over the country. Only one had missing teeth due to an accident (which may well have been drink related) and the next time I saw her, they'd been fixed. Most of us have good teeth and I always look at them.

Is this shallow of me?
SparkiePolastri · 20/03/2019 19:12

There are plenty of 'diamonds' with teeth.

YANBU or shallow.

cms1972 · 20/03/2019 19:17

"If that's what his teeth are like, just imagine the state his cock is in."
OH 'Overthinking' - that did make me laugh!!

Not true though... he might have a MASSIVE cock.

OK. He knows his teeth are gross. That's why he let you chat away for 5 months before meeting up. He was hoping you'd have got to like him enough to overlook his teeth. Usually men harp on about meeting straight away, so five months?? He was grooming you so that you would see past the teeth. Absolutely he wanted to keep them teef under his hat... OF COURSE - that's why he was smiling with his mouth closed in the photos.
But unfortunately they are a big turn-off.

I agree that it is indicative of other things, but I have no idea what. While it's possible, it's a bit much to assume he's a former drug addict. I have male friends who happily spent the day eating Creme Eggs and having 6 sugars in their tea in their teens & 20s and now regret it A LOT. I myself lost two teeth as a result of taking an SSRi antidepressant in my early 30s (don't worry, my gaps aren't in the front). BUT - we don't know why this guy's teeth are like that, only that he certainly is self-conscious about it.
SO - I suggest you say the following, in a kind and non-judgmental way; "You're self-conscious about your teeth, aren't you?"

If he says yes, you can say, "So ... why haven't you got them fixed?" He may well refer to the expense, in which case you can start throwing car boot sales and selling your family heirlooms on eBay to help him pay for dental treatment. Nothing like a joint project to bring you together!
And if he says "No" you can say, "Well you should be, they're vile".

SparkiePolastri · 20/03/2019 19:19

Not true though... he might have a MASSIVE cock.

I really don't think it's the size that's the concern?! Hmm

EugenesAxe · 20/03/2019 19:22

Gosh no. Sorry to the man and everything but this would be a total turn-off for me. You should always meet online people ASAP in my mind; I did it once - got invested with the person online I mean - then met up and had zero chemistry.

I think you'll have to be honest. If he's happy to let his teeth get like that it would make me doubt the state of lots of other areas of his life - diet, hygiene, financial stability.

Catsinthecupboard · 20/03/2019 19:23

Do what you need to do. He obviously knows that his teeth are bad. He didn't post any smiling photos.

Why not talk to him via however you talk to him most easily? Email?

I couldn't kiss anyone with rotting teeth bc i would be frightened of bacterial infections.

My dh had quite bad scarring on his face from chickenpox as a late teen. I was teased by my friends bc he also had a few scars from a car accident.

He made me laugh. Made my heart sing and still, 30 years later, makes my knees buckle when he kisses me.

I realized a few years ago that the scars have gone. I never noticed when they disappeared.

So. Two issues; you like him. He has obvious health problems ( mental or physical?).

Talk to him. Kindly. Honestly.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 20/03/2019 19:28

Unless it is an anatomical anomaly (which it could be), my first thought was crystal meth addiction.

Milliy · 20/03/2019 19:33

If that is the only thing bothering you and you really liked him before, then just be completely honest in a kind way by email or text. Then its up to him to either address it or decide your not for him.

Putthekettleonplease · 20/03/2019 19:43

Then I’m shallow. No way Jose.

Why would he not have veneers put in??? Presumptuous of him to think you would see him again when he clearly has no self respect.

cms1972 · 20/03/2019 19:48

I also agree with posters who say you are being too nice. I once went on an OLD with a guy who looked good in his photos, but in RL he was clearly gay, perma-tanned and looked a bit like David Dickinson.
So he was nothing like his photo, but I decided to Behave Well.

We had a drink. Afterwards in the dark pub car park he blocked my path to my car & asked me back to his flat. When I refused (nicely - I said I had to get up for work at 5am) he burst into tears (really!) - and said, "But I'm not dangerous!"

Somehow I managed to get into my car and leave.

Back home he texted me, asking if I wanted to meet up again. I sent back THE PERFECT TEXT thanking him for the drink. I said I thought he was a nice guy, so interesting! - & I did enjoy meeting him, but I hadn't really felt there was a 'spark' between us.

There was a pause. Then I got the following text "Fuck off then you plastic cunt. Next time you feel a 'spark' I hope it sets you alight and you burn to death".

This is how much men care about our feelings after a first internet date.
And obviously I have always regretted passing up on the once-in-a-lifetime chance to go back to his place for a coffee.

helpmeoutout · 20/03/2019 19:48

I would end it. Yes I am shallow.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/03/2019 19:51

Please remember that it is absolutely fine to dump a new partner for any reason, however 'trivial' - you don't owe anyone sex, a relationship or a second date. Just tell him you don't think there's a spark and block his contact details. 'DIck is abundant and low value'.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 20/03/2019 20:00

I once dated somebody who was so lovely but just could not get past his freakishly small hands. I felt awful Blush

Ellieboolou27 · 20/03/2019 20:09

Yuk, not shallow I just couldn’t date a man with teeth like that 🤢

SparkiePolastri · 20/03/2019 20:13

Please remember that it is absolutely fine to dump a new partner for any reason, however 'trivial' - you don't owe anyone sex, a relationship or a second date.

I'm now waiting for the 'but we must be kind and compassionate to all men people, no matter what our own personal feelings or preferences are' brigade to turn up - and berate both the OP and those of us validating her.

MummasTheWord · 20/03/2019 20:15

Bottom line is you need be happy to kiss him if getting into a relationship ... maybe he would get them fixed for you, but obviously that would be further down the line.

cosytoaster · 20/03/2019 20:47

Cms Shock that's awful.

Agree you can be too nice when it comes to OLD, my need to be polite has landed me in some very awkward (but thankfully not dangerous) situations.

I really couldn't date someone with bad teeth.