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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
SrSteveOskowski · 19/03/2019 11:43

I don't think you're being shallow. I wouldn't fancy kissing someone like that.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/03/2019 11:44

Oh no, what a shame it reached the point where you began to really like him.

I don't think it's Unreasonable to find that off-putting; physical attraction absolutely isn't everything, but it is a huge part of a relationship, and if it's not there, you can't change it.

Boysey45 · 19/03/2019 11:45

If his teeth are as bad as that then it shows neglect.
I know lots of people in the in 40s and 50s who are well presented with dentures, usually partial. There's no reason why he couldn't have got dentures they would be better than whats hes got.

It would be a no from me because its indicative of poor personal hygiene.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2019 11:46

Eish. I'd want to know why - beyond the cosmetic that suggests some pretty serious things about his lifestyle.

Sonders · 19/03/2019 11:47

It's only natural to be turned off, poor dental hygiene indicates poor self-care.

I read in a book that the optimal number of messages to send to someone before meeting up in person is fewer than 10 - it stops you from filling in the blanks of someone's personality, which means expectations are more realistic. It's also more efficient as you can rule out the ones who aren't for you and get to the one who is.

SurgeHopper · 19/03/2019 11:49

Hell no

Mitzimaybe · 19/03/2019 11:50

Does he have a history of bulimia or drug abuse? Both of those can lead to bad teeth.

Fazackerley · 19/03/2019 11:52

That would be a complete deal breaker for me. I'm not even as nice as you, I'd have no qualms whatsoever about breaking it off.

ginghamtablecloths · 19/03/2019 11:53

I wonder if he has a terrible phobia about going to the dentist? I can't see why else he would put off getting them seen to. Could you kindly ask, " I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have a problem with your teeth. Do you have a phobia about the dentist?" Then take it from there. Maybe recommend one who deals with nervous patients. If he doesn't seem bothered, say "I'm sorry, you're a lovely man and I think it's a shame for you, but it's very off-putting." I understand that it takes courage to confront this in this way.

lmusic87 · 19/03/2019 11:54

Yes, a deal breaker for me.

GraceMarks · 19/03/2019 11:54

I would feel the same OP. If his teeth are mostly missing and the ones that are left are rotten, he must have seriously neglected his personal hygiene at some point in the past, if you say that he appears well-dressed and nicely presented in all other respects. Perhaps he was ill or severely depressed years ago and stopped taking care of himself? Perhaps he's waiting for dentures or he doesn't have the money to get any? Perhaps he has a dentist phobia??

But I'm grasping at straws here really. I would have expected that he would be self-conscious about his teeth if they're as bad as you say and that he would have been keen to offer an explanation if there was one. Did he really say nothing about it or drop any hints? I'm struggling to see how he could be unaware of the problem or expect you to be able to overlook it.

Springisallaround · 19/03/2019 11:54

I know a lovely guy, eligible in other ways, but has really bad teeth (brown, crooked, some missing). We have no idea at work why he doesn't fix them a bit, he's not bad looking and has a great personality, but it really is off-putting for women. Perhaps it's him!

Original poster
Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:55

I do know that he was a very heavy drinker for a number of years, I don't know if that somehow relates to his teeth.
I can only go by what he's told me/shown me about his life but he never mentioned a problem with his teeth, I've seen lots of photos of but all with his mouth closed.
He does have a slight lisp, I know now this comes from his missing front teeth as his tongue pokes through the gap when he talks.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 19/03/2019 11:57

Would totally put me off. Friends on OLD say to meet in person ASAP so you see these things and don't waste time texting etc.

Fazackerley · 19/03/2019 11:57

Oh, and it is absolutely not up to you to suggest anything. You don't have to help him with his teeth. That's up to him.

Squigglesworth · 19/03/2019 11:57

No, I couldn't get past that, honestly. Maybe if there was a very good explanation for it (something that didn't also send me running) and he was in the process of getting something done to fix it (partials, dentures, etc.).

In any case, if you're not attracted to someone for any reason, however "shallow", you can't very well control that. Either you're attracted or you're not, and I imagine very few women will be able to look past an issue of that magnitude in a man they've just met.

cantbebotheredtoday · 19/03/2019 11:57

I don't think you are being shallow. I couldn't stand that. In fact the person I am with must have well taken care of teeth, there is nothing more off putting than someone with bad oral hygiene yuck.

I also find it suspicious if I am only seeing pictures of someone and they are not showing teeth.

I don't understand folks that don't look after their teeth unless they are struggling with a mental health issue or addiction.

It's not hard to brush twice a day and floss at night.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 11:58

When I met now dh he had a front one missing!!
Was pissed though and didn't are tbh!! He was an amazing kisser - and nice breath - even morning time!!
A year later he lost another one!! Was a bit - Confusedat his not arsed attitude!!
He has false ones now and love him regardless.
As a dc he was never shown /encouraged to brush, lost a few as a dc, lots as an adult.
You may be losing out on a diamond op.....

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 19/03/2019 11:59

See for me unless there is a reason then I'd be in the same camp as others that it is a sign of lacking in personal care.

I do know one person that lost a lot of teeth due to cancer treatment but he has since been seen at a dentist and has dentures so even then it wouldn't fit.

hellenbackagen · 19/03/2019 11:59

oh god im cringing just reading.

no its not shallow. rotten teeth means he doesnt or didnt brush them or see a dentist. imagine kising???!!

sorry but no. i wouldnt be having a second date. he must realise when he looks in a mirror and the heavy drinking would put me off too.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 11:59

It’s not shallow. Quite unusual these days though isn’t it?

I wouldn’t say anything to him though. He obviously knows the state his teeth are in, he can look in the mirror. He has chosen not to sort them out for whatever reason.

HedgerowTree · 19/03/2019 12:00

Sadly would be a deal breaker for me as well, you have to have physical attraction and want to kiss them. I would wonder why his dental hygiene was so poor. If it was for something like a medical condition etc, then he would be more likely to volunteer that knowing it was an issue and you would have moved past that. But otherwise it suggests poor self care.

Original poster
Dollydust · 19/03/2019 12:01

No he honestly didn't mention a thing about his teeth, obviously it's been on my mind since the date and I am a bit shocked that he never mentioned it as he was really outgoing, very confident and quite the over sharer from the start.

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 19/03/2019 12:02

a diamond? with one rotten black stub of a tooth and a heavy drinker?

yeah....sounds a right diamond.

Original poster
Dollydust · 19/03/2019 12:02

Sorry to clarify he's not a heavy drinker now, this was a few years back. I only mentioned that as I don't know if that relates to his bad teeth.

OP posts: