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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 21/03/2019 11:07

It might be a relief for him to have his problem all out in the open, and being supported by a kind friend like yourself. It's quite an undertaking but it will honestly change his life, who knows how much anxiety and dread he has been suffering with this.

CabbageHippy · 21/03/2019 11:09

why not just ask him if he's planning on getting some new ones?

CabbageHippy · 21/03/2019 11:14

sorry - just saw the post above

Jacopone · 21/03/2019 12:09

Hi OP, with the risk of denting your hopes and feelings I would suggest looking at something called „meth mouth”. Really bad teeth hardly come as a result of just health problems.
Being aware of the problem since childhood, letting it slip so badly and not having done anything till the age of 40 looks to me simply unlikely. I would be very cautious. And underlying drug problem is a much bigger issue than just teeth.

Pashal2 · 21/03/2019 12:25

He didn't once bring up or explain his lack of teeth during your meeting? That's odd. You have to be up front. Maybe you could be an incentive for him to improve his dental appearance. Tell him you can't go forward unless he gets some new chompers.

EdWinchester · 21/03/2019 12:32

Dentures?😱 that would be equally bad.

Why can’t he have implants? You can have a full set of teeth now on just 4 implants.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/03/2019 12:40

Why can’t he have implants
Implants are very expensive in comparison to dentures.
I am glad you spoke to him about it, Goodluck

MollysLips · 21/03/2019 12:47

Where does he work? I can't think of many jobs where you could get away with having one rotten tooth in your head?

neversaidaword · 21/03/2019 12:52

Awhhh that's lovely OP. Hope it's than later huh Grin

InforaPenny7 · 21/03/2019 12:56

OP I would definitely consider Jacopone’s post. Meth mouth is very similar to what you describe.

Becca19962014 · 21/03/2019 13:12

jaco I have teeth like this and I am not and never have been a meth head. It's entirely possible to have the problems he says and this be the result. I was able to work in a professional post with many rotting teeth in my head never mind "just one".

He's extremely lucky to have found someone understanding to help him.

neversaidaword · 21/03/2019 13:31

*sooner .. you get the gist, hasn't put my teeth in Wink

lmusic87 · 21/03/2019 13:31

It seems a shame he wasn't honest initially because it puts you in a very awkward position, and having to counsel someone through their phobia is a lot for someone you've met once.

GraceMarks · 21/03/2019 13:37

lmusic87 yes, I have to say I agree. OP, it's lovely that you want to help him, but please be sure that you're doing it because you can see a future with this man, and not because you've trapped yourself with your own kindness. It's a lot to take on. Are you thinking "Well, the teeth were the only thing putting me off, and if he's going to get them fixed I can't really not go out with him now"?

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 21/03/2019 14:45

As an ex alcoholic and reasonably heavy drug user with just about zero blemishes or fillings, I can tell you that the number one reason for bad teeth is poor diet. My dentist said that obviously I fed myself well during those years cause mine are still strong, and god knows I was surprised about that! Poor diet as a kid cant be helped for many, and it is likely that those same kids continue with poor eating habits into adulthood. Chuck a bit of booze into that mix and yes you have a problem.
The best hygiene in the world wont fix problems stemming from lack of vitamins and minerals.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 21/03/2019 14:46

Also, good on you OP for giving him a chance and looking past that at the guy behind the smile. If this works out I suspect you will hell one hell of a loyal bloke on your hands.

HeckyPeck · 21/03/2019 15:13

Hope it works out for you OP.

Attitude84 · 21/03/2019 17:07

I think it is reasonable, however, you may also need to realise that also be the reason why his mouth is always closed in pictures and why he hasn’t said anything, he didn’t want to put you off. He may be painfully sensitive and self conscious of this issue, so if you can ‘TRY’ to look past it, if not, be gentle and hopefully you both can come to a compromise.

Scorpvenus1 · 21/03/2019 17:10

Kissing someone who has gum disease or cavity-causing bacteria can cause someone else who previously had a low concentration of “bad” bacteria to “catch” dental problems, due to the increased concentration of “bad” bacteria-especially if that person has poor oral hygiene habits, which set the stage for tooth decay.

Might want to think about it id say, I would pass if I was you

many men out there to choose from don't settle x

MillennialFalcon · 21/03/2019 17:26

That is an awkward situation. YANBU to be put off by that but I do feel sorry for him, maybe he has health problems that have affected his teeth or a dental phobia that has made it difficult to get treatment. Thankfully my teeth are not nearly that bad but they are a bit chipped, misaligned and discoloured and I feel they are my worst feature that I am so self-conscious about and part of the problem is that I didn’t get dental treatment for years because I have such a debilitating phobia, also I went through a period of time where I found it difficult to take care of my health because of depression. I am now catching up but still have to be sedated for routine procedures like fillings. So I am sympathetic to his situation, for that much damage to be done it is likely to be something a bit more serious than he couldn’t be bothered to brush. Since you have a connection in other ways it might be worth getting to know him better to see if you can get past it but ultimately attraction is an important part of a relationship and that doesn’t make you shallow.

MillennialFalcon · 21/03/2019 17:28

Sorry didn't see your reply when I posted it's great that you were able to talk about it

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 21/03/2019 18:00

OP, I needed a load of dental work a couple of years ago because of clenching my teeth, and found a website called Dental Fear Central really helpful. I am not scared of the dentist, and have always looked after my teeth, but there are kind, helpful and knowledgeable dentists on the site who answer questions. (There are also a boundless number of posters with teeth like you describe because of poor care and dental phobia - nothing to do with drugs, or booze.)

Meangirls36 · 21/03/2019 18:05

I have very bad teeth genetics not understanding about special needs when a child and pregnancy. I had all the ones I could patched and I have dentures for the rest. It sounds like it's gonna get worse for his mouth and then hes gonna need dentures. Kinda weird he didn't sort that out before going OLDing.

Meangirls36 · 21/03/2019 18:06

It would be shallow if you didn't like his mouth after he did what he could. If it bothers you it bothers you.

Stormyday · 21/03/2019 18:12

If he hasn’t sorted them since childhood and he’s now 40, why would he do it now? I’m sure he’s dated other people apart from op who he has met once.

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