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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/03/2019 17:32

Not shallow. it is off putting. I couldn't kiss Shane McGowan.. maybe he has a good reason, but without more information I would assume, and I apologise if I'm wrong, that was due to poor hygene or an addiction...and also..
I'd also be asking myself what has stopped him from doing something about it? It might be expensive but he could save up for it or take out a loan, Teeth don't get like that overnight, it must be having a detrimental effect on him... so why has he just left it?

Missingstreetlife · 19/03/2019 17:37

Teeth can be fixed, talk to him. Heavy drinking is a red ⛳️

Sunbeam18 · 19/03/2019 17:41

5 MONTHS before you met up with him?? That's such a waste of time - you need to meet up within a couple of weeks max to find out if there is any kind of spark in person

GuineaPiglet345 · 19/03/2019 17:55

Not shallow at all, I’d be totally put off, especially if he didn’t say something about it first.

I bet if he’d said something like my teeth are bad due to medication or disease but I’ll be getting them fixed on X date it wouldn’t have put you off so much but I think he was deliberately deceitful because he must know it’s off putting.

GruciusMalfoy · 19/03/2019 18:27

It isn't shallow. I once went out with a guy with teeth which were probably a bit less awful than what you're describing. The teeth ended up being the tip of the iceberg in terms of lack of self care. Never again!

Boysey45 · 19/03/2019 18:40

Is he working OP? its going to cost him a fair bit to get those sorted out even if he manages to get the a NHS dentist to do all the work.

If you don't finish with him you need to find out of hes registered with a dentist. Apart from the fact his teeth look dreadful when they get this bad the bacteria can go into the blood and cause all sorts of health problems.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 19/03/2019 19:01

It's not shallow, but even if it is so what?! It pisses me off that women feel the need to talk themselves around or comprise so much when it comes to men.

I've honestly just been ranting about this on the 'invisible men' thread. Do you think if he didn't fancy you he'd be tying himself in knots trying not to be shallow?- no he wouldn't. He'd just send a text and leave it at that.

Plus he was disingenuous to only send closed mouth photos. I have always hated my teeth, but I would never do that.

Noodledoodlesandspud · 19/03/2019 19:32

Not shallow at all. No teeth would be a deal breaker for me too.

BlueCornishPixie · 19/03/2019 20:18

It's not shallow.

Imagine kissing a mouth full of plaque? Like full of bacteria and potential mushy decayed tooth? No. It's really disgusting.

If he was a heavy drinker that can cause decay o the front teeth, particularly if he was a cider or beer drinker. But that would probably mean he was an ex alcoholic level of drinking.

But it still most likely means bad personal hygiene. Unless he has had chemo it still means bad personal care.

Even if he's on medications that cause dry mouth that level of rot at 40 is bad care, even if he has hypomineralisation that level of decay at 40 is bad hygiene.

HeckyPeck · 19/03/2019 20:41

If you don’t fancy him then that’s that surely?

Doglikeme · 19/03/2019 20:46

It is shallow. It's judging him on his looks?

The op has been very clear that there is no other indication that he has poor hygiene.

A lot of chronic illnesses cause problems with your teeth.

You can fancy who you want and being shallow isn't a problem but this is the definition of shallow.

Maybeitsjustmeor · 19/03/2019 20:47

Is his name Antony?

hellenbackagen · 19/03/2019 21:31

Really dog

You kiss him then
Run your tongue over that black stub tooth
Inhale his breath

People have bad teeth for one reason only. Otherwise they visit a dentist and get replacement teeth if there own are beyond help.

Bad teeth means bad oral hygiene. Also heavy drinking(past
Present or future) would have me running for those hills

hellenbackagen · 19/03/2019 21:33

I'm 47. I like a drink. But strangely I clean my teeth twice a day and see a dentist twice a year.

To let them get in That state means no dental work for eons.

septemberismyfavouritemonth · 19/03/2019 21:36

I would feel the same.

I met my husband online but I insisted on meeting him as soon as possible after having had several scenarios like yours where I got to know someone before meeting and then didn't like them in real life, I realised it was better to just meet as quickly as possible and not invest time in building a relationship over the phone/email etc.

likeridingabike · 20/03/2019 07:49

Meeting early is essential, a phone call can often help but I wouldn't go more than two weeks without arranging a coffee date. First impressions aren't always the best indicator, personalities, mannerisms etc. are just as important to attraction as classical handsome features but no teeth would be hard for most people to get past.

As people have said it indicates a drug or alcohol problem or a serious health problem he's not disclosed.

PurpleAardvark · 20/03/2019 08:51

Bad teeth doesn't always mean poor dental hygiene. My son has meticulous dental hygiene and very bad teeth. We even follow a special tooth friendly diet. We've been told by the time he is 18 some of his teeth will need crowns and they are thinking of removing some next year. The dentist basically said the teeth are not properly formed and the adult teeth are coming through with enamel missing.

However, having said that, why doesn't he do something about it? There is so much that can be done he doesn't have to go around with no teeth!

GraceMarks · 20/03/2019 09:46

Doglikeme but it isn't just about the aesthetics, is it? Teeth that appear to be rotten aren't just unpleasant to look at, but might come with a side order of bad breath and related health issues. I don't think it's the same as being put off by somebody having a big nose or sticking-out ears, which is what I would consider to be shallow.

In this case, it is slightly puzzling that someone who seems to have good standards of self-care otherwise hasn't tried to do anything about his teeth. Perhaps he's waiting for treatment, but I would have expected him to have said something about it in that case, especially as the OP says they've spent 5 months building up a rapport and getting on famously.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/03/2019 09:55

Did you ask him?

If someone was in the process of getting implants or whatever I’d be fine with it. If they couldn’t see the issue I wouldn’t be fine with it.

Becca19962014 · 20/03/2019 10:18

My teeth are like this. I've very severe clinically diagnosed dental phobia caused by serious injury caused by dentist ignoring my genetic condition and dislocating my jaw and medication and medical condition which causes teeth to rot. It's nothing to do with oral hygiene.

I've tried everything to overcome it and now my life is at risk.

Everyone I discuss it with find it funny and silly, that includes so called dental phobia friendly dentists and services, GP, everyone. Why? Because people confuse dental anxiety with phobia which is much much worse never mind a severe one.

Nice to know people are judging me for it.

Wait here (in this county) for a dentist is now eighteen months, longer for work to be done so he could be on a waiting list for all you know, ask.

lmusic87 · 20/03/2019 10:23

Did you ask OP?

AhoyDelBoy · 20/03/2019 10:41

”I notice you have unusual teeth...”
What a weird thing to suggest saying. He doesn’t have ‘unusual’ (what even are ‘unusual’ teeth? Buck teeth? extremely crooked? Those awful short stumpy ones?). They’re rotten Confused. It’s gross but yeh dandruff post has grossed me out more tbh. Maybe rotten teeth are more normalised to me because my DF had them when I was growing up 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t really think it was a big deal.

AliceLiddel · 20/03/2019 10:41

was it this guy?

Is this shallow of me?
chickensub · 20/03/2019 10:55

He knows. He's hoping you'll look past it after getting to know him long enough. It's very off putting, you're not shallow at all.

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 20/03/2019 11:14

@Dollydust it's a difficult one. Maybe he has a medical condition which has caused his teeth issues? Some medication has some very damaging effects on teeth. Could you politely ask him? Maybe there's something he can do? Or something he may already be working on with a dentist?

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