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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 20/03/2019 11:25

Did you speak to him op?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/03/2019 13:32

My ex's mother took tetracycline when pregnant with ex and this had an adverse effect on his teeth, although nowhere near as bad as the OP describes. He ended up having them filed down and veneers or implants put in. Until then he never smiled in company.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with perfect teeth. I know masses of people like me in AA who have been sober for years. Anyone can slide into the descent of alcoholism at any time - it happened to a dear friend of mine in her fifties when her mother died. So I don't see that as a red flag since I know that recovery is perfectly possible if you want it enough, if you admit you're powerless over alcohol and if you commit to a lifetime of abstinence. In this case the toothless one didn't have to tell the OP about this aspect of his past.

manicmij · 20/03/2019 17:41

Don't suppose you know why he has such awful teeth. Or, why hasn't he bothered to do anything about it. Afraid wouldn't be for me. May be a signal of what else he doesn't bother about.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 20/03/2019 17:52

Oh girl I completely agree to be creeped out.A person may not be the best looking in the world but the teeth situation says a lot about that person.
My thoughts,tell him how you feel.If he's willing to get them fixed then he's the one.
If not....
Good luck to you!

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 20/03/2019 17:53

Not shallow at all!

DelilahfromDenmark · 20/03/2019 17:56

Jesus that’s disgusting. I wouldn’t have even stayed for a drink however nice he was.
So I don’t think you’re remotely shallow. (Or maybe I am also shallow but I wouldn’t go out with a man missing teeth if you paid me)

Pollygetthevodkaout · 20/03/2019 17:57

5 bloody months!!! Iam internet dating...i meet them in a couple of days for this very reason. Never get over invested till you have clocked the railings!! 😁

mumda · 20/03/2019 18:03

I know someone with shocking teeth. He's got a medical condition which requires him to take a rather tooth-unfriendly drug.

I've also known smack heads with awful dental work.

OverthinkingThingsAndStuff · 20/03/2019 18:04

Sounds more like poor hygiene/self care than anything medical or accident related.

So my response would be this.

If that's what his teeth are like, just imagine the state his cock is in.

juneau · 20/03/2019 18:07

No, you're not shallow. I couldn't kiss anyone with a foul mouthful of rotten teeth. How revolting!

chocolatesparkles · 20/03/2019 18:07

This is so difficult because although I understand your position but someone close to me had a crippling fear of the dentist and as such they had bad teeth. It wasn't that they didn't want to look after them but fear of them dentist kept them away for many years. They were the same, mouth always shut in pictures...covered when laughing smiling etc but their fear was very real to them. It might not be a case of just doesn't care about himself is what I'm trying to say. It may run deeper.

Purplealienpuke · 20/03/2019 18:09

I have a friend who has alcohol issues. Her teeth were awful. She recently had several extractions and a denture at the top.
So his teeth may well be due to alcohol abuse.
It would be, and has been, a deal breaker for me too.
I met a guy earlier this year after online chatting for a week.
His clothes stank of fried food and his teeth were awful...
I made my excuses very quickly and left.
You should be honest if you've been speaking for months!! Good luck

SavageBeauty73 · 20/03/2019 18:11

How was the date? How did you leave it? Did you kiss him?

I couldn't date someone with teeth like that.

Pinkerbells · 20/03/2019 18:17

Tbh, the immediate thought is that he has bad personal hygiene, but that may not be the reason. My DP has bad teeth, disclosures, missing etc, but actually that is due to his chemo and the amount he vomited because of it. Whilst I do understand your feelings, at least consider it may not be because he doesn't brush his teeth

MibsXX · 20/03/2019 18:18

Ok, yes, it may look off-putting, which is a shame but not something you can help feeling, but all those posters who are saying it has to be down to poor hygiene are being very unfair.. I say this as someone who is steadily losing back teeth, and dread the day the front ones go too.
I am 50 now, and up until 40 visited the dentist regularly, took great care of my teeth ( used to have nightmares as a child about tooth loss!) . In my family it's simply a genetic thing, all us females have weak teeth as we get older.
From 40, when I had my son, they got steadily worse, and to add insult to injury, the so-called free NHS dental help I was entitled to, simply wasn't available at any dentist within 100 miles.. believe me I tried pretty much anywhere and everywhere....and when you are on a low income, there's not a great deal you can do.... I can't even get someone to remove the stubby roots that are left from my missing teeth, nor even a prescription from the docs for the few times they cause painful abcesses, doc says it has to come from a dentist, dentists will only do any work on a private ( expensive ) basis, and once I even tried A&E as the pain was sooo bad along with the illness it caused, still got told to go see a dentist!
A nice single guy is a rare find..maybe try another date and see if you can get past your initial feeling.... if not then don't beat yourself up over it, and good luck x

Bessica1970 · 20/03/2019 18:18

I know it would be difficult - but could you just be honest with him? He might not even realise how bad they look. He might offer to do something about them.
If he's as nice a person as you seem to think, you could be saving him years of failed relationships.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/03/2019 18:20

I would be Hmm because if he were really totally genuine, he would have let you see the teeth in a photo, or brought it up, or wanted to meet sooner (did he?)

This seems a bit manipulative - he's hoping you've invested enough to overlook it. Which is a red flag in itself. I wouldn't like the teeth, but my real problem would be the potential sneaky approach to it. He MUST know it's a big thing.

Here you are, tying yourself up in knots not wanting to hurt his feelings - if this is what he's banked on happening, I don't like that at all.

So be blunt and ask him. Tbh, heavy drinker a few years ago - to the point of mentioning it as a 'thing' - that would also put me off...

ToftyAC · 20/03/2019 18:27

It sort of is and sort of isn’t. If there’s something physically off putting then that’s your personal preference. I’d be the same. I like decent teeth and nice hands.

Stormyday · 20/03/2019 18:28

What does he do for a living op?

eggsandwich · 20/03/2019 18:34

Could you imagine kissing him?

If no then you have your answer I’m afraid as nice as he is.

scrolling123 · 20/03/2019 18:35

I met my other half OLD. We chatted on and off for over a year, many times nearly meeting up, always one of us getting cold feet.
Met up in the end and instantly understood why he was so self conscious - serious teeth issues, not dissimilar to as you describe OP.
Took me quite a back, but we met up a few more times, never kissed, the feelings continued to grow until we did kiss and then a relationship developed.
This was 7 years ago, we have a beautiful son now and I adore them both.
We have chatted briefly about his teeth but I am respectful and it's his business and but I will support him as and when he is ready to deal with them.
So what I'm saying is for me it wasn't a deal breaker although it was a shock. Go with your gut. Xx

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/03/2019 18:37

My db has teeth like this due to having a shit dentist who put braces on when he didn’t need them etc. It’s not down to poor hygiene.

But I’m with you OP, would put me right off, I couldn’t kiss someone like that

ShannonRockallMalin · 20/03/2019 18:39

I do wish people would stop saying having bad teeth shows poor hygiene! I have always been scrupulous about looking after my teeth, mainly because my dad had had terrible problems with his. Unfortunately genetics won out, and although my teeth aren’t in the state of the op’s date, I have so many fillings, my teeth literally flake away and I have now begun to get get recurrent abscesses leading to extractions. I can’t afford to have anything fancy done to make them look better. It doesn’t mean I don’t try my best to look after them!

SirGawain · 20/03/2019 18:44

I have lost quite a lot of teeth due to gum desease. But a good dentist can provide well fitting dentures which means that most people would not even notice anything wrong with my teeth. There is no excuse if he takes proper care of himself.

StillMe1 · 20/03/2019 18:45

I knew someone who has very bad teeth. It was due to having had a lot of liquid Anti Biotics as a child and especially at the time when baby teeth were coming out and adult teeth were developing.
There are many people who are terrified by dentists and having work done in their mouth. He may decide that you are worth the horrors of a lot of dental work

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