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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 14:14

StormyDay - in the days before internet dating where you could meet people via newspaper/magazine adverts I did this once years ago - arranged to meet someone - he sounded ok, met up and he was very upper class, drove a Mercedes (we drove someone - gosh this is sounding dodgy now!), anyway when we met, outside the tube station, he was a good looking man (at a guess late 20's) but he had a scar/birthmark right down one side of his face - he must've had questions about it as he said it was to do with an accident but I didn't ask further questions. We had a nice date and kissed and I saw him a couple of times after that and it just petered out - he lived right down in SW England and I was in London.

But in his case - especially in those days apart from cosmetic/scar etc makeup there was nothing one could do about that, and I could see why he wouldn't tell me about it.

I can guess it could affect his relationships going forward though unless women were prepared to look past his facial disfigurement.

sagradafamiliar · 19/03/2019 14:21

It's a shame for you both that this is 5 months wasted but no yanbu and it's a lesson learned. The fact he didn't think to mention it is probably more of a problem for me and what the teeth represent: that he literally doesn't care. When people don't care about themselves at that very basic level, they are ill-equipped to care about others.

Original poster

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 14:57

Ok I've decided I'm gonna ask him when he calls me later.
I realise the 5 month wait was big mistake, he didn't seem to want to rush into anything either, I don't think either of us probably intended it to be that long a wait it just worked out like that.

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 19/03/2019 15:13

Let us know the update later! ok I'm really nosey

ChoccieEClaire · 19/03/2019 15:27

You're not being shallow, you have to be attracted to someone.
I met my husband through internet dating.
It is disappointing when you have high hopes and get on well via messages but it has to transfer to seeing them in person.
I would recommend bit chatting to someone for more than a couple of weeks before meeting them, that way you've had enough time to spot potentially getting on but not enough time to begin to get attached.
Internet dating is a weird world but it sometimes has a happy ending!

GraceMarks · 19/03/2019 16:20

He might have been hoping that you'd be willing to overlook the teeth if you liked him enough on personality alone, hence being happy to wait 5 months before meeting? If he is this D person two other pp have mentioned, it could have worked for him in the past!

MummytoTw0 · 19/03/2019 16:21

Sorry but I would find this gross

proseccoandbooks · 19/03/2019 16:24

Bleurghhhhh. Not shallow at all imho. Sorry but that's a big turn off

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 19/03/2019 16:24

I don't know whether you are shallow OP but as someone who is missing teeth and has poor gum hygiene due to inadequate parenting as a child and then from treatment of a long term illness, I am devastated to think that people would recoil when they talk to me and I open my mouth.

I'm sure if you talk to him, he will give you an explanation and you can make your decisions based on that.

neversaidaword · 19/03/2019 16:34

I think the best thing is to ask. Glad you are going to.

Did you like him otherwise? The teeth can be worked on, but they can cost a lot to fix. An NHS dentist could at least do a clean and xrays on a basic consultation. Please don't offer to pay for him though! But in the long run maybe something could be worked out.

NHS Band 1: £21.60. Covers an examination, diagnosis and advice.

Tighnabruaich · 19/03/2019 16:38

You're not shallow. But. (And it's a big but). He could get them fixed - if you were both keen on each other and it was a deal breaker for you (and why wouldn't it be, it's revolting) - if he said 'ok, I will start dental treatment', would that make a difference, do you think?

wishywashy6 · 19/03/2019 16:40

This is why I always met quickly with people online. I'd hate to have built something up for so long to be disappointed on the first meet.
I don't think it's shallow, if you're looking for a LTR you're going to be faced with them every day!

Boysey45 · 19/03/2019 16:48

What age is he OP?

lboogy · 19/03/2019 16:54

NHS Band 1: £21.60. Covers an examination, diagnosis and advice.

Yes true, but this sounds like he needs whole new teeth which for each implant he's looking at 1200 minimum each.

Btw OP, are you being unreasonable? Issa no from me

Babygrey7 · 19/03/2019 16:56

gosh, how old is he?

The only people I have ever known who had really godawful teeth like that were former heroin addicts, and people who'd had medication as kids that affected teeth (can't remember what meds).

You have nothing to lose by saying you were a bit put out by his lack of teeth, but maybe that is not a very British thing to do

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 16:59

I don’t think you should say anything. If he is intelligent and sensible, he knows he could get his teeth fixed if he wanted to. If he’s not intelligent and sensible then you don’t want to go out with him anyway.

madcatladyforever · 19/03/2019 17:06

People who won't wear there dentures are just as bad. My friends wife is incredibly pretty or would be if she wore her dentures. The flabby mouth is ghastly. You can get custom perfect fit dentures from the smile centre countrywide that feel light and natural. If that was me I'd take out a loan get those teeth pulled and make sure I had fantastic dentures.

MissLadyM · 19/03/2019 17:13

That's bloody disgusting! I dread to think what his personal hygiene is like if he can't brush his fucking teeth !

SemperIdem · 19/03/2019 17:13

That would be a deal breaker for me

Original poster

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 17:17

His name doesn't begin with D

OP posts:

Cherylshaw · 19/03/2019 17:18

I couldn't be with someone who had no teeth or the ones he has are all rank, it is harsh and probably shallow but I don't see how you could ignore it

Original poster

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 17:18

He's 40

OP posts:

AutovillaGirl · 19/03/2019 17:19

Oh dear, maybe he has a fear of dentists? Could you bring up the subject gently, perhaps on the phone instead of face to face? There are not many genuinely nice guys around, maybe it's worth persevering with him. How would you feel if you ended it and then 6 months later saw him with another lady and somehow she'd talked him into getting a whole new shiny white smile? Just a thought - a bad personality can't be fixed, but teeth can.

Maneandfeathers · 19/03/2019 17:25

Teeth are a dealbreaker for me.

I feel sick looking at discoloured teeth. No way could I kiss a mouth like that!

ijustdontunderstandher · 19/03/2019 17:27

I couldn’t be with someone with bad teeth, I just couldn’t kiss them. So not shallow at all

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