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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
Springwalk · 19/03/2019 12:26

No I couldn’t do it either

lmusic87 · 19/03/2019 12:26

Oh my god, a few people seem to know him!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 19/03/2019 12:27

Absolutely not BU. I feel like as the barest minimum, teeth are a must. At least most of them, and the ones you can see at the front. Deal breaker for me! I've heard a few 'first date' stories like this, thought hey were an urban legend 😂

pootyisabadcat · 19/03/2019 12:29

You are 100% allowed to not be attracted to anyone for whatever reason and end it. That is not shallow. This is how people wind up in sub par relationships, they start by ignoring their own perfectly valid feelings and/or trying to fix someone and seeing them as a project. He's an adult. He knows damn well his teeth are fucked up. It's up to him to fix them. Go no further with this if you want a decent relationship. 'You're a lovely guy but I'm afraid the chemistry just isn't there. Sorry. Best of luck in the future' and then you move on.

Falafelandhummus · 19/03/2019 12:29

Heavy drinking can explain it.

Firstly alcohol can be filled with sugar which is bad for teeth.
Drinking may cause vomiting which is acidic on teeth and wear them down
Alcohol at night may mean he passes out at night without brushing his teeth, and the sugary alcohol stays on his teeth along with less saliva at night and potential mouth breathing all making it worse .

He’s probably afraid of the dentist also to fix them. He’s obviously self concious hence never smiling with his teeth.

He may require encouragement to seek a dentist to help with either dentures/implants etc

You could be there to hold his hand and provide support.

MellowMelly · 19/03/2019 12:33

As soon as I read this my brain also thought drug abuse sadly. My ex had rotten teeth before he met me. He loved drinking and cocaine and basically had to have his teeth rebuilt.
When I saw a photo of him with the rotten front teeth I remember recoiling in horror. It is off putting!

As to how you find out about this guys teeth, the only thing I can think of is asking him if he he has lost his front teeth due to an accident? He might divulge, and hopefully he will be truthful.

Chocmallows · 19/03/2019 12:35

I dated someone with massive teeth, he never closed his mouth, but they looked clean and he was friendly and fun. I will admit that I was shallow and it did initially put me off a bit. I broke it off as he didn't have enough time for me, but in the background was also the thought about the problems we had when trying to kiss (I have large front teeth too!).

I think it is a deal breaker as his sound rotten, but what if it is a genetic disorder (hypomineralisation or other difference that can leads to erosion)?

Why not ask "I notice you have unusual teeth and wasn't sure how to ask the other day". If he tells you it is genetic then would you feel differently than if he says he hasn't looked after his teeth?

pigsDOfly · 19/03/2019 12:37

No not shallow at all, I think that would put most women off tbh. If his teeth were black I'm wondering about his breath as well.

I knew someone quite a number of years ago, a woman in her late 50s, who started dating via newspaper adds in the Times or Telegraph, can't remember which one.

Anyway, she met this very well set up, good looking man but was completely put off by the fact that he had the most awful dandruff all over the shoulders of his obviously very expensive suit.

This was the first time they'd met but she had no hesitation in telling him she found it very off putting and would assume other women would too.

They didn't meet again, but perhaps her forthrightness helped him to clean up his act and make him more successful in his quest for love.

southnownorth · 19/03/2019 12:38

What a shame, I wouldn't like it either.

One of the best things about a new relationship is all the kissing. I wouldn't want to kiss him.

The oral post above is also grim.

FurrySlipperBoots · 19/03/2019 12:39

@Nicknacky

Yeah, I tried internet dating when I was in my early 20s. I was getting on really well with this guy and we'd been messaging for months and months, it felt like we really had a connection with the same sense of humour etc. Then he confessed he used to be into drugs, which totally put an end to it. A lot of time and emotional energy wasted.

It's a tricky one OP. I can see why you're put off (I would be too, massively!) If I were you I'd end it saying the chemistry wasn't there for you and if he asks why I'd tell him the truth, in as nice a way as possible.

Thecabbageassasin · 19/03/2019 12:41

I would tell him. Harsh but it’s something he can sort out and you might be doing him a big favour in the long run,

ILoveMaxiBondi · 19/03/2019 12:42

This is why you meet ASAP! You need to see them with your eyes face to face to see if there is an attraction before you waste months of your life getting to know them.

Dieu · 19/03/2019 12:42

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, but waiting 5 months to meet someone is utter madness!

viccat · 19/03/2019 12:46

Yes it would put me off as well - it's not like a physical attribute one can't do anything about (like balding or being unusually short or tall or having a huge birth mark or whatever...), it was most likely caused by his lifestyle choices AND he's not done anything to sort it. You are not shallow, his teeth revealed something about him you didn't expect.

I also knew someone through work who had teeth like his and it was from years of heroin addiction. Eventually they went onto get dentures and it made such a huge difference not just to how they looked but also confidence and attitude towards life in general. It was quite amazing to see really.

Oysterbabe · 19/03/2019 12:54

Lesson learnt, meeting for a quick coffee at an early stage is important.
YANBU. I wouldn't be attracted to someone with manky teeth.

pigsDOfly · 19/03/2019 12:56

What I find odd is that he hasn't done anything about dentures or other dental work.

My exh was around 80 when he had to have a cap on one of his front teeth and he was really uncomfortable with the way it looked while the tooth was missing.

Can't imagine why a younger man would not have the same attitude.

Justaboy · 19/03/2019 12:56

I wonder why he is like that?, seems he's in total denial re the matter. I remember once as a boy this shit, sadist rather, of a dentist took out one of my teeth with no bloody anestheic I was writhing in pain but was told to shut up as if i could!

It took me a long time to get over that it was before the days you'd sue someone for that type of malpractice.

Perhaps you could do him a kindness and ask him outright?. It may be a sort of "wake up" call for him perhaps you might encourge him to seek help? There may be a reason he finds impossible to face and may just need someone to talk to about it?

And why not?, people suffer other physical disabilities this sure is just that?.

And as to personal hygene I suspet that in all other instances thats fine its just this big phobia thing thats the problem for him.

Grimscrum · 19/03/2019 13:01

Medications can cause bad teeth. I had a couple fall out after chemo, it kills everything in it's path! I also had to have a couple more removed and some rebuilt. I've had implants so a lovely set of teeth now.

This doesn't sound like that though. Bad/missing/black teeth would absolutely put me off.

Stormyday · 19/03/2019 13:12

If he was intending to get them fixed he probably would have said, especially as you have been chatting for five months (don’t do that again.)

I met someone for a first date and wasn’t keen and told him after that I didn’t to see him again. He said, I know my face is red and I am going to the doctor. I had noticed it actually and he was obviously self conscious about it but it had nothing to do with me not wanting to see him again. Bad Teeth however, very offputting.

Drunkatthepetrolstation · 19/03/2019 13:13

Scary that two separate posters seem to have dated or known the same man!

I had crooked teeth for years and it did put people off which is fair enough, so I know that your teeth can be a sensitive subject. As part of my treatment (braces and surgery) I had to have a tooth removed and I was mortified until the braces closed the gap! I don't know how he can just do nothing about it.

madcatladyforever · 19/03/2019 13:19

No its vile. I don't mind dentures that's fine but scabby teeth/no teeth I cannot cope with at all.
I have a gap as I'm having an implant put in and I know I'll feel unable to open my mouth for 3 months until the final crown goes on.

Stargazer888 · 19/03/2019 13:21

YANBU. I would not want to kiss someone missing teeth and left with only rotten stumpy ones. Genetic or not it would be a deal breaker.

BeanTownNancy · 19/03/2019 13:42

You can't force attraction if it's not there! It might make you shallow, but at least it's honest - better that than stringing someone along you know you don't see a future with.

Echo other posters, best to meet in person (and in public) within a couple of weeks just to see if there's a spark. It's a waste of everyone's time and energy otherwise.

Limensoda · 19/03/2019 13:48

I suppose it could be viewed as shallow because if you had no sight it probably wouldn't bother you especially because he's so nice, but I would feel the same tbh.

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/03/2019 14:11

YANBU, when I read your description I actually recoiled back from the computer with an internal scream.

I'm afraid it would be a no from me. Why doesn't he get dentures? And the heavy drinker part - without the teeth issue, I'd be backing off from that too. The heavy drinkers I knew smelled like they were rotting on the inside, similar to rotting cabbages smell.

I think you should tell him how off-putting the bad teeth thing is, it might motivate him to do something about it. And if it doesn't, at least he's making an informed choice.