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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this shallow of me?

253 replies

Dollydust · 19/03/2019 11:22

Long time lurker, first post.
I've been speaking to a really lovely man for about 5 months now and we met for a first date last Saturday, met on a dating website so have been really cautious to try and get to know him as best I can over texts and phone calls before meeting. We actually really hit it off and he makes me laugh everyday.
So.... we met for a date last Saturday and I could see that he has barely any teeth, the top front ones are gone apart from one black/grey stubbly one at the front and the bottom ones have some missing with the rest being broken yellow/black stubbly ones, I tried not to make it obvious I was a bit taken aback and I feel awful for saying this but it was so off putting. I've obviously seen quite a few pictures of them but he they have all been with his mouth closed!
It's been a few days since the date and he's really keen for another quite soon but I just don't know if I can get past this teeth issue, is this really shallow of me? I do feel absolutely awful as he's a really lovely person and after 5 months of regular phone calls and texts before meeting we had obviously grown quite fond of each other and had met with the potential of beginning a relationship.

OP posts:
thedisorganisedmum · 19/03/2019 12:03

You can't force physical attraction. If you are not attracted by someone, then that's it, it doesn't matter if it's a popular opinion or not. It's not being shallow, it's having your own taste.

In this case, that would completely put me off too, but that's irrelevant. Your reaction is the right one, you are the one who would be in that relationship!

hellenbackagen · 19/03/2019 12:03

id say there are loads of lovely men out there who look after themselves and have teeth,
my ex dh for eg. absolute gem. kind, considerate, funny, and with all his own teeth.

Original poster
Dollydust · 19/03/2019 12:05

Do you think I should ask him about it? I mean I don't even know how I would pluck up the courage to come out with it, how do you even word a question like that?
I don't want to hurt his feelings at all.

OP posts:
Supergrassyknoll · 19/03/2019 12:05

Aw, I'm so sorry, YABNU AT ALL!! If you've been getting on well and forged a friendship already I'm afraid I'd be tempted to just be honest and tell him you find his teeth a big turnoff and sadly you can't foresee a physical relationship based on his appearance, but then I'm quite upfront, you may prefer to bow out more wishywashally, personally I'd say he deserves the truth. Good luck

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 19/03/2019 12:07

I would feel the same, OP. Teeth are such a funny one, aren't they? I think there are so many reasons someone might have bad teeth - not being taken to the dentist as a child, mental health problems, physical health issues, dental phobia - but it's something that it's difficult to see past for a lot of us.

I have a gap on the bottom at the back where I cracked a molar due to night time clenching, had a filling, then a root canal, but ultimately it just couldn't be saved. Even though no-one can see it, I now have a tiny flexible partial denture to close the gap. Mine are super-white and straight, thanks to loads of orthodontic work as a child, but god, they are rubbish, and I can quite easily see how they could all end up crumbling away!

Muzzyarker · 19/03/2019 12:07

Why so much assumption on lack of self self care. Some medication can cause tooth rot. Be honest with the guy maybe he is planning on dentistry work.

bringincrazyback · 19/03/2019 12:08

I'd be put off.

3ChangingForNow · 19/03/2019 12:09

I'd ask him honestly... I wouldn't rule out the opportunity of something amazing without asking.

Babykoala1 · 19/03/2019 12:09

I think you should be honest with him and just say you have a minimum requirement of at least 10 teeth

JenniferJareau · 19/03/2019 12:09

Not shallow, I'd feel the same.

CaseofEllen · 19/03/2019 12:09

🙄 to everyone saying he must have poor hygiene. Could be a number of reasons why his teeth are in poor condition.

It depends if it's a deal breaker for you OP. Can you get past it and focus on all his other redeeming qualities you speak of? Not judging you either way, it really does depend on how you feel about it.

TeaStory · 19/03/2019 12:10

I think you should tell him the truth, but kindly. There are lots of reasons to have awful teeth, including as a side effect of some medications and severe phobia. It’s better if he knows what is putting women off so he can choose what to do.

ForOldLandsEye · 19/03/2019 12:10

Yes, he deserves the truth. Just tell him that you're not physically attracted to him even though he's a lovely man. Don't mention the teeth though, he'll no doubt be aware of the issue. I can't imagine his friends/colleauges/family/less diplomatic people not having mentioned it can you? That also says a lot about him, that in spite of societal norms of appearance, he's choosing to go against the grain. I'd want to know why to be honest but that would be very awkward. I also can't see how he can have fresh breath with rotting stumps for teeth can you? Something's off. Perhaps he's just come out of rehab (drink/drugs often go together) and that's a whole other kettle of fish and in my opinion, once a heavy drinker, always a heavy drinker. Very few manage to give up all together. It's odd that he's not mentioned it, given that he's been an 'over sharer' generally. Also, in the videos he sent, did he not talk or were the videos not of him?

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 12:11

I would feel the same if dating again...

However, he may have a fear of dentists or just not have the money to go for a replacement. I recall working in an office a few years back - two of the staff started dating but one (the male) had a front tooth missing - but was going through separation/divorce proceedings etc so guessing less money than usual. His new girlfriend I think encouraged him not only for her but in his role (he had to meet clients and other external staff etc) to get the tooth repair/new tooth sorted out and he did - within a month!

You could maybe subtly point out how much of a better difference it would make to him and see if he picks up on this suggestion.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 19/03/2019 12:11

I missed your update. Iv known a few heavy drinkers (and sometimes also drug users) all who had lost teeth too and in all cases the teeth loss were a visible sign of very badly not caring for themselves.

I'll be honest, none of these men/women were people I'd enter into a romantic relationship with because the drinking and lack of self care was just easy to spot sign of choices and lifestyles, friendship choices etc that would make a relationship very hard. Their life and their choice but I personally wouldn't choose to live a life like that so as much as I don't judge and wish them well I wouldn't date or make a life with them

RuthW · 19/03/2019 12:16

Not related to the teeth but I met a man via the internet with the same teeth and always mouth closed in photos. He was lovely via texts etc. I did meet him a couple of times but I had a warning from another woman that he befriends women and then uses them for sex. I hope it's not the same bloke. His name began with D

MadameDD · 19/03/2019 12:17

OK - some other pointers.

I don't do internet dating now but when I did - always meet ASAP - to check if you click IRL.

Would you fancy him if he had teeth - e.g. is there chemistry in real life?

The heavy drinking, does this put you off even though he's stopped, are you sure he's stopped and won't start etc? Also is he teetoal or not?

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2019 12:18

People can have genetically bad teeth, but that doesn’t explain why he won’t get dentures or whatever.

But op, physical attraction either flows or it doesn’t, so you’ll have to tell him no.
I would only broach the subject if he asked why you’d gone off him.

Dimsumlosesum · 19/03/2019 12:18

You'd be putting your tongue in there. It'd put me off too.

Dimsumlosesum · 19/03/2019 12:19

And what about if he went down on you? He'd be gumming you with stumpy rotten teeth :/

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/03/2019 12:20

Does his name begin with D and he used to work for a large hotel chain?! Yanbu by the way, I wouldn't be able to get past that either but the person I'm thinking of never had problems getting others to overlook it which was a constant source of amazement!

chuttypicks · 19/03/2019 12:21

Speak to him honestly about it and ask if he'd be willing to go to the dentist for implants or dentures. Maybe if he knows how important it is he may be willing to get them sorted.

Blobby10 · 19/03/2019 12:22

It would be off putting for me too OP. If you don't want to see him again, 'Sorry but I didn't feel enough of a spark when we met in real life to want to pursue this' is a gentle brush off that someone once suggested to me in a similar situation (but it was height related rather than teeth!)

ShatnersWig · 19/03/2019 12:25

Not shallow and, as others have said, the exact reason you meet sooner rather than later. Then you don't grow fond of someone over five months to find you're not physically attracted to them.

There's being cautious and careful but FIVE MONTHS?? I'm amazed a guy stuck it out but I can now see why.

If you're new to OLD I strongly recommend you head over to the dating thread on the Relationships board

tangerine23 · 19/03/2019 12:25

Ew! Imagine kissing him!?! Confused