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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

393 replies

jdty · 18/03/2019 22:16

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

OP posts:
happysaturday · 19/03/2019 18:24

Sometimes I think when people say they don't like someone because their quiet it's a reflection of their insecurities.

They can't read you or don't know what you think and therefore assume your are negative or negative or judgmental... but really it's just a reflection of their own insecurities

Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone, but for some people I think it's true

spidersonmyceiling · 19/03/2019 18:29

I can do small talk in a train or bus, I do find it hard in groups though as there is usually someone who talks for England and often interrupts if I try and say something. I'm fine if it's give and take but there are people often who do not seem to want to let someone have a word in edgeways, and I'll often give up at that point. I can listen though, and people often open up to me and chat about their problems, which is a bit weird sometimes. With some people through thinking if now deceased in laws, they used to constantly talk about themselves and what they were doing, and to be honest it was pretty repetitive, and they never seemed interested in anything I had to say, as they'd often talk over me or just reply with their favourite subject, themselves, it was all pretty self centred. After a few decades easier to be quiet. Some u the thread said that they could easily write lots of things, the great things about writing are that if you're boring the other people they can just not read it, and also you can say things and not be interrupted or talked over.

EngagedAgain · 19/03/2019 18:30

As a PP said, at least it sorts out the bellends. Easy to make loads of so called 'friends' if your outgoing, but most won't be genuine. Be yourself and if people don't like it - tough!

Thumbcat · 19/03/2019 18:45

Do the quiet people on this thread speak quietly? I have a quiet friend who unfortunately is hard work to spend time with as she speaks so ridiculously quietly that no one can hear half of what she says. Often people don't realise she's speaking so she just gets talked over, which obviously is horrible for her.

Blompitude · 19/03/2019 18:50

Yes, I speak softly. I also get spoken over in groups because I don't know when it's my turn to speak, or I don't make it obvious I'm about to speak, or whatever it is people who are good at speaking in groups do!

Original poster
jdty · 19/03/2019 19:08

Yes I am softly spoken which I am working on. Its only a problem when in groups I find as you often have to talk across a table / room.

OP posts:
DiscoDown · 19/03/2019 19:14

I've always been quiet (loud family so hard to compete!), it was always commented on by teachers and I had a hard time making friends at school. I'm much better one to one than in groups, even with my oldest friends if we're all together I don't chip in much. It's partly low self esteem, so I don't feel I have anything interesting to say, and partly I find it hard to judge cues in conversation where I can jump in without being rude. You'd never guess I was quiet at work though, but that's because I know what I'm doing and what to say. I met DP on a dating app, as I say I'm okay one to one and he makes it obvious he thinks I'm interesting.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/03/2019 19:23

jdty

You only have to read the posts on here to see if you start a conversation or do a bit of small talk people are judging you.
Things like an empty barrel makes the most noise or I only do deep conversations.

I am wondering how a group of quiet people have a conversation if they don't do small talk.

Does one come up with a topic. Them fires out

"Global warming" discuss then everyone takes their turn to speak

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 19:32

Well I suppose that is talking about the weather!

Catinabeanbag · 19/03/2019 19:35

I don't talk quietly, I just don't say much.

I can do small talk, I just don't find it particularly interesting / satisfying. It's like having a bag of crisps when what you actually want is a roast dinner. You end up still hungry at the end of the evening.

CSIblonde · 19/03/2019 19:44

I used to be very quiet and yes I got open dislike for that reason. I may be wrong but it's a combo of feeling uneasy with someone they can't 'read' right away & not having patience to make the effort to get to know you. Now I'm older, at work, (nest of vipers) I tend to see the extroverts as very usefully easy to read: you can see & sense where the office politics & infighting will rear its head & remove yourself from the ensuing shit storm. Quieter people are harder to predict unless you're close to them or in daily constant contact.

clairemcnam · 19/03/2019 19:46

catina Everyone feels like that. But small talk is the first step to a deeper conversation.

firesong · 19/03/2019 20:11

Some people are so strange, disliking people without even taking time to talk one-on-one. I'm not quiet, but some of my closest friends are, and I often find so many interesting, funny and intelligent people are quiet.

TheBossOfMe · 19/03/2019 20:18

Oh that is so fascinating that a few quiet people on the thread met their partners through OLD. The thought of online dating fills be with absolute fear!

Someone unthread said their strategy was asking lots of questions about the other person - yes thats a really good strategy, I use it a lot when I can't think of anything to say.

Patroclus · 19/03/2019 20:29

Yep, I find them to be the same genre of twat who cant deal with people reading books.

OohYeBelter47 · 19/03/2019 20:29

I find quiet people too much like hard work/a strain so tend to avoid them unless in a group,

Ottessa · 19/03/2019 20:34

firesong, it’s pretty arrogant to expect people to take endless time to wait for Mr/Ms Monosyllabic to eventually reveal their precious thoughts.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 20:58

I'm confused - are book lovers the quiet ones? I read loads but I also like meeting and talking to people

MaryBoBary · 19/03/2019 21:36

@BecauseWeCanCanCan I would either be there it’s OH (wedding etc.) and presumably know the bride and groom fairly well to be invited, so likely to know others there too. With regards to a works do, if I didn’t get on or know the people I work with very well, I just wouldn’t go. Or I’d drink. Then you couldn’t shut me up.

MaryBoBary · 19/03/2019 21:37

@Ottessa all good things come to those who wait Wink

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 19/03/2019 21:51

I think the only time that quiet people make my heart sink is in social situations where there is forced interaction. To me, it's like they are sitting back and making me do all the work and then deciding whether it's deep/interesting enough to participate. No bugger likes small talk, but it's the entree to deeper talk.

I'm much kinder to younger people who I understand are shy, but it's exhausting to have to carry the conversation for hours at dinners / weddings. In the office, I 100% respect the right of quiet people to be quiet!

It does come across as arrogance sometimes - I make a pillock of myself asking banal questions and chatting about the bloody table decorations while I get a yes/no answer. But I get that a lot of people feel social anxiety, I should be kinder.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 22:04

Or they could be

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 19/03/2019 22:08

My sil's family all used to dislike me as I was very quiet and had severe social anxiety. I'm much more confident now and it turns out my niece is v similar to me, so they've all mellowed towards me somewhat as they are worried about her anxiety. Sad really it's taken so long.

MaryBoBary · 19/03/2019 22:18

@BecauseWeCanCanCan why is it so hard to believe that someone older could just be shy? Why are you just kind to young shy people? I always hoped I’d get to certain points in life and suddenly gain some confidence from somewhere. Getting a “proper” job, hitting mid/late twenties, becoming a mother... it just hasn’t happened and I am just as shy now as I was at 15, but even more aware of how rude it comes across to others. Perhaps when I’m in my 30s it will change, or 40s or 59s, or maybe I just need to accept that this is me and stop caring if I’m offending their people or not.

MaryBoBary · 19/03/2019 22:22

Sorry Because - I missed the end of your last post. It’s hard to understand someone else’s point of view until you have conversations like this. I now understand better why people get so frustrated by those of us who can’t small talk. The idea that even the most extrovert need to “try” to chat to random people is actually quite surprising to me - some people make it look so easy. Perhaps I need to appreciate those people more and consider they are actually trying to get to know me, rather than assuming they would rabbit away just as much to a brick wall Smile