To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

My mil says this happens to her a lot. She is very quiet and hard to get to know. On the other hand she also complains that she never gets to talk when out with friends or even with fil because he dominates. I think it annoys her he's so outgoing. I like quiet people, I sometimes am one, but I think there's a vast difference between quiet and awkward.

I resent it if I am left to do all the social heavy lifting because another adult has opted out. Remember one older professional woman who stayed with us answered fulsomely our polite questions about herself and her day then sat in silence and until our next effort. Never once asked dh and I one question.

Fil is the same. One meal I mirrored his silent zero effort behaviour and was quickly asked whether “everything was ok?” Which pissed me off why am I not allowed to be “quiet” too?

One thing this thread has taught me is that I really need to make a huuuuge effort in social situations. If im being myself, its highly likely im coming across as rude/ aloof which is the last thing I'd want.

MaryBo I just stopped caring what people thought of me.

Agreed OP, I need to get the balance right between being happy and content with who I am, and reciprocating effort when it is being made.

You don’t need to make a huge effort and “hold the room” and do cartwheels or tell jokes. Just make a few benign comments and ask the odd polite non controversial question of others then listen to the answer. It’s not hard. I had this drummed into me by my mother and grateful for it.

Tapas My New Years resolution this year was to stop doing things solely for other people all the time. I realised last year I spent a lot of my time doing things and seeing people that I didn’t want to to spare their feelings. This tea I’m trying to care less and be happier. It’s not so much me being rude, as me being more realistic about what would upset someone else. I’m learning that turning down an offer politely is fine to do, and I should stop worrying about it so much.

Guess it’s better to turn down invites then sit there miserably making others miserable. That said I would worry about becoming insular and lonely with this approach

The resentment of gregariousness on this thread is not nice to see and the PA of “I’m nice if you take the time to get to know me” - implying that if people don’t think they’re nice, they haven’t put enough effort in. Maybe just be nice to everyone, whether you know them well or not?!

And for the people complaining about being disliked for being quiet...how can people find out enough about you to like you if you won’t engage with them?

For the record I happily go most of the day with my headphones on and ignoring the rest of the world but I will have a normal conversation at a normal volume with my colleagues because it makes the environment a bit warmer and because they are genuinely pleasant people (and I know this because they have engaged with me!)

It’s not necessarily being gregarious it’s having manners.

I have 5 people that I would class as friends. 2 of the 5 I speak to every few months, 3 of the 5 I speak to every couple of weeks. And that suits me down to the ground. I don’t have the time or energy for any more people in my life, because being on my own is a priority and something I recognise now that I really need. I become stressed and angry if I have to spend too much time with their people, so for me there is no fear to being insular, more of a desire if anything!

Funny how people can be so very different

I've been told it comes across as rude that I'm not more social (what they call social, I call forcing myself into someone's conversation).
At work I get ignored and it's because I'm quiet and not demanding their attention.

Personally I find a lot of so called 'confident' people are just damn rude.

I get that Mary. What makes me impatient is the people who, unlike you, complain that people dislike them because they’re ‘quiet’, or moan about how they don’t have friends because no one takes the time to get to know them.

As people on the thread have pointed out, the monosyllabic treatment gets old fast, and while some on the thread may think other people should do the conversational heavy-lifting on five or six or ten occasions until the quiet person has got it together to reply in something other than grunts, people also have the right to get bored and move on.

It's actually really helpful to read this thread for me - I am going to continue to try hard at social situations to keep it going and understand that people might have social anxiety rather than just not participating.

I'm still not sure though - and I'd be interested in an answer. When I HAVE mirrored the person I'm with and lapsed into silence, it's so out of character that as with an above poster I get questioned quickly about what's the matter. So at work drinks/dinner/weddings, what would quiet people prefer that I do? Ignore them and talk to other people, keep asking questions, talk about myself, or sit there in silence with them? Genuinely never known the answer. Normally I keep flogging the conversational horse until there's an opportunity to gracefully swap seats!

I used to be shy and quiet in my younger years but then I got over myself
Good for you, being a chatty social butterfly isn't an obligation. Plus there nothing to get over, I'm just happy with my own company, what's the issue? It harms no one.
Me thinks the chatty ones need to get over themselves and not everyone wants to hear from them all the time

They seem to judge you on everything you say and give one word or no answers back
We not judging you UNLESS you don't take a hint of shhhhh, then well.....
I give one word answers in the hope I will be left alone and in peace. If I wanna chat I will, i hate being backed into a corner so to speak

I've been described as quiet a lot of the time. At school teachers would say i was quiet. And people have said I'm quiet at work before. I guess people have probably disliked me for it.

A lot of the time it's probably because I actually just don't really like pointless talking. I think some excessively chatty people are just really boring, they can just talk and talk and talk about the mundane and I just find it tedious and would rather sit in silence. Some chatty people are interesting and entertaining and I can have proper conversations with but some are just really boring. And I think I don't want to tell you all these boring things?

I am okay at small talk, not great but i can keep it going and I wouldn't be rude, and then if I get on with someone the conversation becomes more natural but if I don't click with someone and we are in an endless cycle of awkward small talk I think why can't we just give up and assume we aren't going to be best friends?

I just like sitting in silence a lot of the time. At work for example I like to sit and work or think in silence while other colleagues feel the need to chat to me constantly and I find this wearing. If they think I don't want to talk to them it's probably because I don't.

I'm not going to get on with everyone, there are plenty of people I dislike and so logically plenty of people will dislike me and that's fine. We don't have to get on with everyone. I'm not rude, I do talk to people ask them he they are etc. keep up with their lives but there are times when I just really really don't want to talk to anyone and I wish people would just let me be quiet. They don't have to talk to me. Talk to someone who wants to talk please.

The ideal approach for me in a wedding situation would be to be included in a group conversation via eye contact and body language, without being directly asked a question or somehow put in a position where I have to speak up in front of a group of strangers. I’d rather be able to choose to join in if I feel I have something to add, than be out on the spot and get flustered and worry about what others are going to think of me.

I ended up getting to know a woman once who had a baby around the same time I had my daughter. I invited her out walks and for lunch etc but she just would not talk! I would ask questions and be met with one word answers - no chit chat. I wouldn't say I disliked her but I wont be in her company again.

The idea that even the most extrovert need to “try” to chat to random people is actually quite surprising to me - some people make it look so easy.
Yes, that is the case. Most of us don't find it easy.

In terms of denigrating small talk - I don't like small talk. It is boring. I don't care about the things I talk about during small talk. But what those of you who are denigrating it don't seem to get, is that it is necessary to start with that with people you don't know, and then move onto proper conversation.
Its like if you are going to go away on holiday, you have to do the boring bit of packing. People that go away on holiday a lot rarely enjoy the washing, ironing and packing; but it is a necessary preclude to the fun bit of the holiday.
Also if you speak quietly, speak up. I know one woman who is quiet and speaks very very quietly. I have asked her to speak up a number of times and explained I can not actually hear her, but it makes no difference. I have given up. This is not about speaking softly. I speak softly. It is about volume.

bluecornishpixie The whole point of small talk is to make a connection and move onto interesting things. Of course what people find interesting, and whether they can make a connection, varies. I love talking about politics, others hate it and love talking about celebrities, which I hate talking about. But I don't denigrate them. I just know we don't really have anything in common.

And to those on this thread sneering at chatty boring people, that superior attitude does show and does not make you a likeable person. Although I know it only applies to a few people on this thread.

MaryBobARY So what you mean is you want others to do all the work of starting and keeping a conversation going? Because it is work.

No, what I’m saying is I don’t really want the conversation. If someone else is determined to push it then that’s their prerogative.

So you would rather just be ignored?

Reading this has made me think I’ll continue being quiet quite happily!

I’m reading a book at the moment about how to give less of a fuck.

Making gentle conversation in a social situation to “keep things going” does not make a person a detestable loud gregarious self absorbed extrovert . Most people aren’t loud but it generally makes people uncomfortable to sit or stand in silence in social settings so if you don’t participate people like me have to pick up the slack by asking stuff like:.
How do you know x?
Enjoyed that talk though didn’t get the last bit
Can’t believe how sunny it is though abit odd for this time of year don’t you think? Etc

I give one word answers in the hope I will be left alone and in peace. If I wanna chat I will, i hate being backed into a corner so to speak

Instead of being rude by only giving one word answers, just tell the person you are not up for chatting. That would be the polite and kind thing to do.