To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

[jdty]

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

I'm very quite, I'm sure people have disliked me for it, I think mostly because it makes them think I'm weird? Maybe I am weird!

The biggest issue is that people seem to think I'm just really stupid! Often a problem at work, and I tend to let people treat me like shit!

My only friends are from school and uni - people who have been forced to spend loads of time with me 😂 but eventually gotten to know me.

I've always had really bad anxiety too, which hasn't helped!

@Chloek1994

Same, I could have written that xx

TanselleTooTall - I’m sorry to hear that. Do you feel it’s affected you longer term?

I once overheard someone describe me as “miserable.” At a time when I was pretty stressed and anxious and on medication that didn’t really make me want to socialise! Years ago, I heard an ex housemate ask another housemate if I was still really shy.

I should really start saying “no I’m not shy, I just don’t like you.”

But that wouldn’t be “socially acceptable” either.

My MIL thinks I’m not trustworthy because I don’t talk my head off like her. Yet I never say anything untrue and she is literally slandering people left right and centre. Maybe she dislikes that I don’t express my less than kind thoughts and don’t make a fool out of myself the way she does?

I don't like putting the extra effort into socialising with quiet people. I don't think I'd say I don't like you but I certainly wouldn't want to be in your company.

Isn't it wonderful that we're still able to chose our own company without it being policed. where is your mixed-gender trans-lesbian representative?

I don't like putting the extra effort into socialising with quiet people. I don't think I'd say I don't like you but I certainly wouldn't want to be in your company.

I think that's a perfectly valid point. Fine if you are a self-proclaimed quiet person who is happy to live a contentedly solitary life, but if you are a quiet person who complains that people dislike you for your quietness, or that they don't bother getting to know you, you should probably at least consider that other people don't actually much care why you're quiet, they just can't be arsed waiting for you to eventually reveal your inner brilliance.

Life is short, they've moved on to someone who doesn't answer them in monosyllables.

I think sometimes it can be hard to know what to think of a quiet person on first meeting/s as they tend not to give anything away.

They might have taken an instant dislike to you, think they are better than you so choose not to interact with you or are just shy so are not saying anything much at all.

It depends, if your extremely shy / quiet then it might be quite hard to engage with you and establish common ground or points of discussion. I personally wouldn't be very interested in interacting with someone who doesn't have much input into conversation or give much back. I wouldn't dislike them I just wouldn't bother.

Yet I never say anything untrue and she is literally slandering people left right and centre.

You know: I will sound a self righteous twit but you've reminded me of a saying which commends (sp?) The virtue of good speech - something about we have two ears and one tongue ( we should listen more, talk little). Or something.

Polarbearflavour I took counselling but had to cut off the sessions for big reasons. I hope to resume them. I'm not over it.

I am introverted and quiet by nature but have found my way out of it when someone is talking to me by asking loads of questions about them. They end up thinking I am a fabulous conversationalist because I give them the opportunity to talk about themselves non stop. I do sometimes feel pissed off though that I haven,t been asked one question during the whole conversation.

None of you quiet people have explained how you eventually get to meet people who do understand you and who you feel comfortable with. How do you meet your husband/partner? Surely at some point you must have to make the effort to talk to people ?

I’m quiet but I’m not shy. I come across as aloof with people I don’t know well. I do tend to have extroverted type friends though as it’s easier!

Some of these responses make me feel sad. I used to be quiet and shy, and was happy if anyone wanted to talk to me. As I've got older my confidence has grown, and I am happy to chat to anyone, but I have never forgotten how painfully shy I once was.

Clearly there are quiet people who just don't like engaging with other people and also people who are just very shy. I think sometimes it is difficult to differentiate when you first meet someone, hence the small talk as an ice breaker.

I am curious to know how the quiet people manage to break the ice though.

None of you quiet people have explained how you eventually get to meet people who do understand you and who you feel comfortable with. How do you meet your husband/partner? Surely at some point you must have to make the effort to talk to people ?

I met my husband on tinder and went to meet him for drinks in town after texting for months - I drank four vodkas before I met him so that helped 😂😂

FWIW, OP, I love quiet people and generally find them much more interesting than people who can’t stop talking. My worst sort of person is someone who just goes on and on and doesn’t give you an inch of mental space to yourself. In the immortal words of David Byrne, “You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say something once, why say it again?”

Most of my friends are from school / uni.

I met DH on Tinder. I found dating easy as it’s one on one.

Interesting that ‘quiet’ people are confident using a dating site, I am socially very confident, happy to talk to anyone but in a million years wouldn’t dream of using a dating site .

How do you meet your husband/partner?
Basically he made all the first moves, I'd been drinking, and it all just happened. Bit passive of me I know.
He doesn't like overly talkative women and I am a good listener when I feel like it, so it works OK.

I can imagine using a dating site, but I can't see myself going on a date with someone I don't already know in real life.

This thread has quite shocked me. Its given me lots to think about! I am quiet and been called shy since a child, I am reminded of lots of the things I've been accused of over the years, mysterious, standoffish, boring, hard work to talk to, people/family not liking me - they are all unpleasant to see written down and in a way they've been self-fulfilling because I've continued to feel bad about myself for having these 'awful' traits. But my real self is nothing like this, yes I'm quiet but I'd love to be able to talk, I just don't know how to and I've never judged anyone. If you sit next to me at a wedding I won't say much and I'll be in pain knowing I've got nothing of interest to say to anyone. I think I'd be scared if I started talking, that you'd ask me about myself, I don't feel like I have anything of value to give to a conversation. The examples of conversation start ups given up thread look so easy written down but I'd never think of them! Its making me think I've been caught in a vicious cycle for years.

How do you meet your husband/partner?

Weirdly, I never felt shy when I was dating. I mean, I would never have initiated a conversation with a man or asked one out but I was totally fine if they started a conversation or asked me out first. In fact, I'd feel more confident on a first date than I'd ever feel having to start chit chat at the school gate with other mums.

Luckily Mr former is the exact opposite of me... he could start a conversation in an empty room

Interesting that ‘quiet’ people are confident using a dating site, I am socially very confident, happy to talk to anyone but in a million years wouldn’t dream of using a dating site .

I didn't ever use anything you pay for like match.com etc but jumped on the tinder bandwagon when a few of my single friends downloaded the app. I didn't ever think I'd actually meet someone from it! Spoke for months before deciding to do it and as I said, it took some Dutch courage! Best thing I ever did

Yes, dh's sister thinks I'm too boring for her because I'm quiet... Personally I think she is annoyingly loud so we can call it quits!

Met my partner online (not a dating site). We emailed and exchanged texts for a few months before talking on the phone and then meeting in person.
I find groups really hard, and prefer one to one conversation. I also use the technique of asking people questions about themselves-turns the attention off me!
Someone asked earlier if quiet people have any thoughts and opinions aside from general chit chat; personally I hate general chit chat and would far rather talk about something deeper or more meaningful, but a lot of conversations never go that way, or people don’t allow you the space and time to think about things and respond. They take your ‘thinking time’ as disinterest and carry on taking about their own stuff and you can’t get a word in. And I’m not confident enough to interrupt or talk over them.