Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people dislike you because you are quiet?

393 replies

jdty · 18/03/2019 22:16

I am very quiet and have been since I was a child. Its always been seen as a negative trait and I would often be told speak by irritated and frustrated family members/ teachers/ family friends etc.

Most recently as an adult I was told that someone didn't like me because I was too quiet. It was one of DH's cousins whom I meet every now and again at family functions/ weddings etc so maybe a couple of times a year.

I am always polite and smile and say hello. I have never been rude ( though I understand that being quiet is often perceived as rude). I don't have any ill feeling towards that person and thought that they were nice enough so I was quite hurt to hear that she disliked me simply because of being quiet and not for anything that I had done.

I think it's pretty sad that im disliked/ hated by people for not causing any harm / malice towards them but for being quiet.

OP posts:
Polarbearflavour · 19/03/2019 12:57

I used to be a flight attendant and I could chat to passengers and other crew as that was my fake work persona. I was just acting a part. I think I’ve lost that skill now!

chickensub · 19/03/2019 13:05

I'm quiet. People were always nasty to me at school. Calling me anti social. I just don't enjoy big groups unless I know people well and am comfortable.
I've learnt to fake it though and can often just talk absolute nonsense because I know it's expected.

There are times though when I just can't do it and can't muster more than a basic conversation and really struggle, I never know when it's going to hit me! It's like I suddenly get socially fatigued.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/03/2019 13:25

I can understand why.

I think it is because trying to make conversation with someone who is quiet is very very hard.

Quiet people say they don’t want to do small talk (neither do louder people but it is a way of getting to know someone and is polite).

I don’t think it is about not wanting to do small talk it is about not wanting to talk.

They seem to judge you on everything you say and give one word or no answers back.

Original poster
jdty · 19/03/2019 13:35

Its so interesting hearing other people's perspective on this. Im so glad I started this thread. I've had a lifetime of shit treatment and negative judgement about myself due to my quietness/ shyness.

99% I genuinely am interested and would love to connect with people in social situations and chat with them but the bottom line is that im not very good at it. Im not very confident either. I honestly really try hard with people but like how a previous poster described you make an effort with some people and for whatever reason they don't warm to you and a random Joe comes along who seems to connect with them so well in just the first ten minutes. I think it's a skill set that you either have or don't have but you can work to gain these skills but it's just a lot more harder for people who are naturally quiet. I guess it's part of learning the dance of social interaction that is deemed appropriate in society.
I don't think it's about introvert Vs extrovert at all.

And I certainly don't see loud people as shallow and quiet people all deep etc.

Rude, aloof, standoffish, arrogant, disinterested, odd, awkward are just some words quiet ppl on this thread have been told by others. I doubt loud people rarely get people who barely know them saying that they find them irritating or whatever to their face.

OP posts:
Original poster
jdty · 19/03/2019 13:41

Oliversmumsarmy

They seem to judge you on everything you say and give one word or no answers back.

Do you really think quiet people are judging you? I would never have thought that. It couldn't be further from the truth for me anyway!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 19/03/2019 13:43

It's funny because many people who I'm friends with now have confessed to me that they thought I was rude and snooty before they got to know me.

MarkleSparkle · 19/03/2019 13:45

formerbabe I think you might be me, all your posts have chimed with my experiences.

formerbabe · 19/03/2019 13:50

@MarkleSparkle

Nice to know I'm not the only one!

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 13:55

Lurker99 - so i'm a 'tad aggressive' because im opinionated? Interesting perspective on the world. I think the phrase 'empty barrels make most noise'. I assume that means the quiet people are deep.

aliphil · 19/03/2019 14:15

Because, if I'm at a wedding or something with strangers, I can do the small talk thing, because I don't mind what they think of me. My problem is with the people I see often, don't know well, but would like to make friends with, like other mums at school. I don't know how to go from a smile and "hello, how are you?" to an actual conversation. And I don't know how to join in a conversation that's already going on; I see other people do it and it seems fine but if I try I always feel I'm barging in where I'm not wanted.

cantbearsed can you recommend any books that help with social skills? I'd like to be able to help DD too, as it's starting to look like she might have a similar problem to me.

quietcontentment · 19/03/2019 14:20

I haven't had to many negative comments about being quiet. The only thing that really gets picked up is that I don't do small talk and idle chat. I say hello, please, thank you etc and am polite but cant be done with the small talk.
Some people can be a bit put out by the fact that I just don't do it, but If they show genuine interest or have something interesting to say then god I can talk for England! I like conversing, I am interested in people and love finding out about them but when it is at an appropriate time when you have the time to talk properly.

I do love silence though, I am very comfortable with it and if there is no conversation to be had then I stay quiet.

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 19/03/2019 15:15

@quietcontentment

*Some people can be a bit put out by the fact that I just don't do it, but If they show genuine interest or have something interesting to say then god I can talk for England! I like conversing, I am interested in people and love finding out about them but when it is at an appropriate time when you have the time to talk properly."

But you're putting all the onus on the other person to get to that point - they have to show genuine interest in you, or show you they have something interesting to say. What do you bring to the conversation to get to that point? It does seem like you're sitting back and waiting for the effort to be made by someone else. I think that's why people find it hard work to be honest.

Blompitude · 19/03/2019 15:55

I've always been quiet. With my family, one to one with a friend, or in a small group, I can chat away. In bigger groups I clam up. That is never going to change. I'm sure it has created problems in my husband's family when we have been invited to their interminable dinners (they are French). I find it very hard to make myself heard in those types of situations. They drain and depress me.

As for strangers... I try to be smiley and polite. But in a previous MN thread, posters were saying how they don't like people who seem too "nice". I took this to mean bland, featureless. This struck a chord. I'm never going to be a chatterbox with strangers, but I try to express an opinion, make a joke etc. if the situation arises, show a bit of my personality (whatever that is).

Grumpelstilskin · 19/03/2019 16:04

My DH is quiet and calm. We are polar opposites but I love the stillness, as he helps to center me. In return, I bring out his impish side. Come to think of it, I have quite a few quiet friends. Yet they open up to me and get equal talk time. I have a lot of friends on a one to one basis though. I also think there can be non verbal communication.

WestBerlin · 19/03/2019 16:08

I tend to be quiet when meeting new people, and sometimes shyness has been mistaken for rudeness, and snobbishness. It’s not, I’m just feeling self conscious :/

Chloek1994 · 19/03/2019 16:19

Ive always been extremely quiet & shy until I feel comfortable enough to come out of my shell , it can take a long time !
Im often very happy when plans are cancelled. I find it very hard to talk to many people and I hate small talk.
Ive always felt that people arnt very bothered with me , at school & in work situations people have defiently taken advantage of my quietness and been very very nasty to me.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 19/03/2019 16:28

Oh definitely!
It used to upset me. I no longer worry because I've accepted that I am quiet and most folk are uncomfortable with that.

Polarbearflavour · 19/03/2019 16:29

I think I’m quite deep Wink - I live a lot in my head as I’m a published novelist. I’m always thinking about writing and can easily get lost in thoughts...

I suppose I don’t really like other people that much! I’m content on my own and even DH annoys me quite often! If only I could live in a little cottage in remote Scotland with my dog.

At the recent wedding, everybody was perfectly nice but I found it such a struggle to keep a conversation going. I DO try in these kind of situations but it’s very hard.

Easilyflattered · 19/03/2019 16:30

To be honest the most tiring thing about some of my job roles has been pretending to be more naturally extrovert than I am. Like a PP I sometimes act more outgoing by conscious effort.

I think a lot of people have too much to say, mostly just idle chit chat and gossip, and cannot bear a lull in conversation without feeling uncomfortable.

OutInTheCountry · 19/03/2019 16:33

I'm fairly quiet, I think I realised quite late that this sometimes makes it really quite hard for other people - like you're expecting them to do the heavy lifting in any social situation, I've tried since to be better at asking questions etc.

DannyDyersPants · 19/03/2019 16:34

I'm the quietist with people I know weirdly! Strangers I could chat away to no problem, my close family and close friends ok as well. It's people that I know but don't see often? I struggle to think of things to say and the more I'm trying to think, the more awkward I get! For instance I have a family party coming up, aunts, cousins, 2nd cousins and I'm dreading it as after all the "how are you, lovely to see you's " they will gravitate towards my younger sister who has no problem in any social situation and seems to have way more exciting and interesting stories to tell! If anyone could recommend and self help books/exercises for me as well as my eldest dc shows the same signs as me! While the younger one is a social butterfly! Much like me and my sister!

TheBossOfMe · 19/03/2019 16:36

I don't understand how you get to know anybody without starting with small talk - isn't it just an ice-breaker to establish whether you have common ground a lot of the time? I'm a classic introvert - albeit anyone who encountered me in a work situation would be surprised to hear that - but realised many years ago that without learning to make small talk, I'd never actually figure out whether or not someone is someone I might get on with.

It also feels like someone is eavesdropping when they just listen and don't contribute. It's a bit rude IMO.

cantbearsed1 · 19/03/2019 16:41

Small talk is a social skill. It is how you begin to get to know people, and then get on to other real topics of conversation.

Polarbearflavour · 19/03/2019 16:42

Maybe people seem quiet but they have anxiety issues? Or a speech impediment? Or are painfully shy? It’s hard to say they are “rude” when they may be really struggling.

TanselleTooTall · 19/03/2019 16:52

I don't want a pity party but I am so sure that its a fact that my long lost father whom I tracked down in my late 20's to meet for the first time, eventually ghosted me because I wasn't interesting or loud enough for him. He wanted a daughter who he could show off and be proud of.

I am quiet. Polite, make small talk but after this, I am naturally shy.