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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib u to ask what age did you become invisible and do you miss the attention of the opposite sex.

233 replies

whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 17:51

Until now I always thought it was a myth.I am 52 however I am slim energetic with a young sense of humour and taste in music.Having a teenager at home I keep up with the latest trends through him.I work long hours and have the stamina people half my age lack.I work with people in their 20s.
Recently though there is no denying my wrinkles.Previously I thought they were a badge of honour.Now I just feel old.Men do give me second glances when I am out.However for the most part I feel invisible.
I have never been pretty more attractive I think.What age did you feel like this?

OP posts:
Movingtoplanetclanger · 18/03/2019 21:45

*that leer anyway

CavaIsLife · 18/03/2019 22:15
  1. I was a size 6 and went to a 12 after my first child. Both relieved and sad
Sarcelle · 18/03/2019 22:30

I am getting less and less attention and I love it. Look at the thread about the mother asking why her 14 year old should put up with sexual harassment in public, and all the stories of being preyed on from a young age (mine included) and give your head a massive wobble. Who gives a shit if some Neanderthal doesn't fancy you. Why do you care? You are not a lesser being for not being attractive to men. The freedom of just being able to walk down the street without attention is gold. And for those that miss it, find something else to lift your self esteem.

rattusrattus20 · 18/03/2019 22:37

i'm 42. not invisible, no no no... though my appeal is becoming more selective.

DangermousesSidekick · 18/03/2019 22:42

40's, getting less and less attention, although what I do get usually centres around harassment for being 'old'! I certainly do not miss male sexual attention one little bit, it is a huge relief.

Dontknowwhattodo987 · 18/03/2019 22:53

I've never felt attractive at all. I was a size 10-12 in high school, much bigger than a lot of the other girls. No boys liked me, had my first kiss when I was 18 and pretty drunk. Got all the shit comments, being called fat, told that if I was thin I'd be pretty. Guys always liked my friends, they were thinner and gorgeous. I'm used to not getting male attention, apart from my husband. I have no idea what he sees in me but his attraction to me has never waned. I don't really understand it. Guess I was lucky to find him.

I don't get stared at, heads turning, never have. If heads have turned, it's to laugh at me. I'm a size 18/20. I see the way others get treated. It's difficult to feel like the world doesn't like me, I get left out of stuff a lot even by women. I have 2 friends who like me and enjoy seeing me, my weight and looks don't seem to bother them and I feel lucky for that.

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 23:03

So there's 2 things going on, Reading the thread.

Too much inappropriate attention from men when younger etc on one hand

On other hand totally invisible, not just to men but to everyone, on other hand.

Well that smells like a feminist issue to me.

Women over a 'certain age' have been variously despised, ridiculed, ignored. For generations. It's interesting to think why older women are treated this way in some societies.

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 23:06

Well and younger women / street harassment as well

But that is a topic that is more in the public eye (although nothing changes, which is terrible)

LizB62A · 18/03/2019 23:24

Early 50s was when I felt I started "disappearing" then going through the menopause just made me completely invisible.....

Kaboodler · 18/03/2019 23:26

I think it's okay to feel a bit wistful at the fact that you don't get as much attention as you used to do, even if it's not MN approved. It's tiresome that people are told to 'give their head a massive wobble'. It's a perfectly natural thing to feel a pang at what you might see as your declining sexual attraction.

Bloodybridget · 18/03/2019 23:49

I'm a lesbian so sexual interest from men has never been welcome. And harassment of the kind I endured as a young woman couldn't end fast enough. But I do feel invisible sometimes now, not as a sexual person but just as a human being - as in, people walking along the street towards me don't seem to think I need any space to pass them (I often just bump into them).

landregistry · 19/03/2019 06:25

Regarding being bumped into in the street etc, I have found that if I take no prisoners in my mind, people actually do notice you are there, and move out of the way when they should (ie. not bump into you or not not leave you any room).

Fuck’em I think - I shall rise to my full power bestowed on me by my experience, wisdom and knowledge, and straight faced, suffering no fools, I shall claim my place on the platform, or pavement or on the tube or wherever it is Grin.

I see younger people looking through me (though not all, there are plenty of lovely people of all ages around) and part of me feels aggrieved, but that comes from a position of lacking something, which I don’t. And to be quite frank, just as they have little interest in me, I am not actually that interested in them. These are just strangers on the street.

At work we are all different ages and all get on very well, and that actually matters a lot more than the opinions of randoms.

The times that people have been rude to me (huffing and puffing past me or tutting as someone did in the supermarket the other day), I do get a bit paranoid that it is because I am 50, but then think they are probably just rude anyway. If I need to be 23 and gorgeous for them to be polite, what does that say about them?

Yes, sadly, I think the older you are the more disposable you are seen to be, by some, but they are probably arses, and always will be.

So that’s it, I think we should claim our power, and our rightful place.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 19/03/2019 06:38

I’m early 40s. I was attractive when younger - I’m tall and slim and my face was quite pretty in yonder day. I got male attention and really struggled to make female friends easily. I had to work hard at it. I assumed I wasn’t very likeable.

I have lots of female friends now and hardly any male attention and it’s much nicer! I have short hair so men usually ignore me and I don’t care.

Vulpine · 19/03/2019 06:42

Cavals - size 12 is hardly fat?!

OnlineAlienator · 19/03/2019 07:00

I'm 32 and feel like i have to work for it now! I can still turn heads, but only when groomed. I started getting male attention at 13 even though i was a tomboy and put in ZERO effort. Think it started fading at 28.

I too have noticed however that i get more compliments from women now.

PookieDo · 19/03/2019 07:09

Im 38 and I have made myself invisible in a way
I got seriously sexually harassed last year and it was the final nail so to speak. Even though it wasn’t anything I did that made it happen. I know I can put it all back on if I wanted to - clothes and make up and try to be sexy cringe (more than what I would usually wear) etc but actually I don’t really mind being invisible. Keeps creeps at bay

NameChangeNugget · 19/03/2019 07:13

Around my late 30’s, so some time ago.
Was always a size 10 but, went up a size at the same sort of as having my hair cut short & just disappeared.

PookieDo · 19/03/2019 07:15

For instance I went to a Work event yesterday and was very dressed up/confident and I was very aware of a guy from my organisation taking notice of me. As in he stared. And then stared more. But I’ve met him before and was ‘normal’ and he ignored me

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2019 07:17

"Where women are saying, and I understand, that male attention of the nicer sort is a thing they miss etc.

Does anyone know what the equivalent for men is? Because while very very attractive men get approached stared at etc for most, there's not the same dynamic the other way around"

Traditionally men did the chasing and women responded, so I suppose the equivalent for men wold be that they would try to flirt with women and those women would not respond well, whereas they would have done in the past, or they'd flirt back but consider it' just a joke'. I also think that 'old' is older for men if you see what I mean.

Movingtoplanetclanger · 19/03/2019 07:20

If I need to be 23 and gorgeous for them to be polite, what does that say about them? indeed.

Like you I don't mind the lack of stares it would just be nice if you didn't drive at me when I'm trying to cross the road, or bump into me on the street, or hear me when I ask you a question. NAMALT obviously.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2019 07:22

" all the stories of being preyed on from a young age (mine included) and give your head a massive wobble. Who gives a shit if some Neanderthal doesn't fancy you. Why do you care? "

The thread is not about street harassment though is it. It's not just about strangers fancying you. In my case, it's just about getting some male attention from anyone. Like I said above, when nobody is interested at all it's like a part of you is dead. It's incredibly sad.

givemesteel · 19/03/2019 07:37

I think so much of it is how 'well turned out' you are. The last 5 years I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding so a bit dumpy, a stone overweight, a mummy tummy. I don't think I look that different though, the biggest change is the mumsy clothes to hide my tummy and no makeup most days.

I used to always have a full face of make up and wear nice clothes, on the rare occasion I do make an effort I see the difference in attention.

Hoping I can get back to my previous weight and feel more confident in nicer clothes again. Will never get the attention I got in my 20s but I wouldn't want it either.

PookieDo · 19/03/2019 07:55

It is how well turned out you are as you age
When you are younger you can look very attractive with little effort but as you get older you are more noticeable if you dress up and make more effort
I work with a woman in her 50’s who is naturally beautiful and slim, but what turns heads (even mine I have a lady crush) is that she looks a million quid, her hair is amazing, she smells gorgeous and always has on flattering and lovely clothes.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 19/03/2019 08:13

I think someone hit the nail on the head.It is to do with perceived declining sexuality.I think it is sad society sees older women as past it.I am sorry for everyone who has been harassed in public.I am on about being seen as attractive and vital.
Last summer I wore dresses into work as I get changed into a very unflattering uniform.The dresses were modest but colourful however I decide e some lovely comments from women and men.
Looks are not everything.I just don't want to be invisible.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 19/03/2019 08:13

I'm surprised at how many people feel totally invisible now that they're older. While I don't get any inappropriate attention from strange men anymore (great!) I probably get more attention from other people particularly salespeople etc. DD (age 19) says that shopping with me is very different to shopping by herself for example. I get good service in restaurants and I certainly don't usually have to wait long for a drink at a Bar.

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