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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib u to ask what age did you become invisible and do you miss the attention of the opposite sex.

233 replies

whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 17:51

Until now I always thought it was a myth.I am 52 however I am slim energetic with a young sense of humour and taste in music.Having a teenager at home I keep up with the latest trends through him.I work long hours and have the stamina people half my age lack.I work with people in their 20s.
Recently though there is no denying my wrinkles.Previously I thought they were a badge of honour.Now I just feel old.Men do give me second glances when I am out.However for the most part I feel invisible.
I have never been pretty more attractive I think.What age did you feel like this?

OP posts:
Foslady · 18/03/2019 20:13

What I never had I never missed.....

OhTheRoses · 18/03/2019 20:13

I'm 58 and a bit overweight. I don't think many men fancy me any more but I don't feel invisible. Having a career helps I think. Been with DH for 30 years so not sure if I care about the attention of other men. In fact I don't.

AlexaAmbidextra · 18/03/2019 20:20

I was very atttractive in my younger days and had men flocking. I suppose, although still more than passable, I realised that I was becoming invisible in my late forties. I will be honest, I’ve been sad about this from time to time. I was doing some clearing out recently and came across my old passports. I kept gazing at the photo of me at about 35, at which time I was probably at my most attractive, wishing I still looked like that.

However, there is another side as it’s hugely liberating to no longer be on men’s radar. I no longer care what men, or even people, think about me. I can dress how I want to and go to Tesco without a full face of slap and with unstyled hair. I’m generally very happy, I still look good when I want to but don’t feel any compulsion to. I’d be lying though if I said I don’t sometimes feel wistful for the way things were.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/03/2019 20:20

I was trying to remember this morning when was the last time someone flirted with me or asked me out. I can't remember. It made me feel like a part of me has died. It's really shit.
I'm not a particularly flirtatious person, but we all need some attention sometimes, it's only human.

laurG · 18/03/2019 20:48

You are only invisible if you want to be. Ol It might not be in the guise of being whistled at by workmen but you can be an attractive person at any age. Helen Mirren is still hot!

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 21:05

Hmmm

Read the posts and had a think

I don't get leered at on the train / followed / shouted at etc any more which I hated which is lovely.

I have been a bit surprised that the odd non threatening man gives me a non lecherous look every now and then, and I do still noticed, but I have a pretty loud personality so put it down to that...

Maybe I am in a sweet spot where the creeps have backed off but I still get some nice stuff? I've been aware that "being noticed" is a double edged sword for women but does have some benefits.

Ask again in 5 years or 10 maybe... and we'll see.

These threads are always an object lesson in how different everyone's experiences as they navigate the world are and why we need to listen and not just think, this is how it is for me so that is how it is.

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 21:08

Where women are saying, and I understand, that male attention of the nicer sort is a thing they miss etc.

Does anyone know what the equivalent for men is? Because while very very attractive men get approached stared at etc for most, there's not the same dynamic the other way around.

Marchinupandownagain · 18/03/2019 21:10

Ugly and too clever, so never got "attention from the opposite sex". Had a few boyfriends who were friends first and married one of them. He attends, usually Grin

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 18/03/2019 21:11

I've never been visible in the first place 🤷‍♀️

LancashireTea · 18/03/2019 21:11

Feel like I've always been quite invisible due to my weight (even when I was visibly skinny, I got called fat).

It's gotten much worse since I met DH at 27 and then got to 30 and became a mother.

Now 34 and even DH barely acknowledges me in that way. Even harder when TTC....
Also doesn't help that I work with lots of pretty 24 year old newly qualified teachers... And I'm a hippo next to them.

IcedPurple · 18/03/2019 21:16

Does anyone know what the equivalent for men is? Because while very very attractive men get approached stared at etc for most, there's not the same dynamic the other way around.

Actually there's a -somewhat tongue in cheek! - discussion going on about this right now.

I think good-looking men must notice female attention falling away as they age, but men tend not to invest so much self esteem in the fleeting attention of random female strangers as the other way round.

IcedPurple · 18/03/2019 21:16

Does anyone know what the equivalent for men is? Because while very very attractive men get approached stared at etc for most, there's not the same dynamic the other way around.

Actually there's a -somewhat tongue in cheek! - discussion going on about this right now.

I think good-looking men must notice female attention falling away as they age, but men tend not to invest so much self esteem in the fleeting attention of random female strangers as the other way round.

Kevintherootvegetable · 18/03/2019 21:18

I have been several stones larger than I am now and notice that I get a lot more male attention now that I'm at my ideal weight.

But not only that, I am no longer invisible in shops, especially. It was very rare that someone would approach me and offer their assistance when I was bigger.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2019 21:20

What is actually worse for me that realising you don't get checked out any more by fit twenty/thirty something males, is the realisation that a sixty year old man is checking you out.

PinkPupZ · 18/03/2019 21:21

For me it was once I had kids. I had them late teens. Still got a bit when went out. Not much now but I prefer it. Find it freeing. but have always felt judged for my looks above everything else. Hate it

Adversecamber22 · 18/03/2019 21:21

I’m mixed race and had a huge amount of what I would describe as sexual harassment with a racist element. The last time I got whistled at in the street was when I was 50. Look up yellow fever, the fetishim of Asian women, it’s a real thing. A man harassed me for a dinner date in a cafe last year, I hate it.

Sewrainbow · 18/03/2019 21:21

Never noticed at 20, don't notice now at 43. Either I've always been invisible or more likely I've just been oblivious in the past when I was younger and thinner, don't really care tbh

SapphireBattersea · 18/03/2019 21:23

I am 39 and went out last Saturday night with dh (this is rare!) and got loads of men looking at me, but what I noticed is that they were all older than me 😆 prob 45 onwards

I used to get stared at all the time in my 20s but it was often really threatening and aggressive and it was mostly by men I would not have touched with a barge pole. People (men) would often touch and grab me as well like I was public property 😡. I felt like it was normal (it wasn’t!!) Once some guy even ripped off my top at a gig

Felt completely invisible during my 3 pregnancies even though I was young when I had all 3 of my babies

In my 20s and early 30s I wasted so much time dreading getting older and “invisible” but I actually couldn’t give a shit now as long as dh fancies me. Plus dh is 10 years older than me so I feel like I’ll always be a young woman to him

Ohyesiam · 18/03/2019 21:25

MeAgainAgain I like your articulate enthusiasm!

Having just said the latest k of being appraised is freeing, I hate the sound of being invisible to everyone that some posters are mentioning. Why would other women and kids start not seeing you? What’s that about?

Ohyesiam · 18/03/2019 21:27

@Adversecamber22 That sounds so shit Flowers

Mumof1andacat · 18/03/2019 21:31

Invisible til about 24 until I lost some weight. Then had had ds at 28 and don't think a man apart from dh has looked at me since

Shortandsweet96 · 18/03/2019 21:34

I'm nearly 23 and I dont get much attention anymore.

But I genuinely, and I think this is going to sound so bad, but I think if you give attention you'll get attention.

I've been with OH 5 years but before this I would go out and have a good flirt. However, since being with DP, when I go out with the girls I'm generally focused on my friends and if someone does approach me I'm more polite than flirty and they end up flirting with my friends instead as they cant get anything out of me. Ick.

I think men have also got much more sleazy. I almost cringe when I people watch on a night out, but then remember that was me so i cant judge too harshly.

Dont let anyone ruin your self esteem. Ugly people make other people feel ugly to feel better themselves.

JaceLancs · 18/03/2019 21:37

I’m nearly 55 and don’t feel invisible
I felt so when I was fatter or when accompanied by DC when younger
I am pretty oblivious though to what other people think - flirting has to be really full on before I’d even notice!
A while ago on way into local supermarket with DP bumped into a male acquaintance - passed time of day briefly - later DP said do you know he fancies you (wasn’t said in a jealous way - more mild amusement) I had no idea - turned out he was right as next time I met same person without DP he made his interest very obvious

Blompitude · 18/03/2019 21:41

Felt invisible and overlooked when young. I even thought that I made any woman I stood next to, look more attractive in comparison to me.
I know random (drunk) blokes' opinions shouldn't be that important but this was all against a background of multiple insecurities and loneliness.

Grew into my looks in my 30s. I think I'm prettyish but not attractive. Now in my 40s I feel I've missed out on so much. And yes I like catching strangers' eyes in the street, on the odd occasion it happens. Problem is, they tend not to be the fit young 20-somethings I'm looking at! Blush

Movingtoplanetclanger · 18/03/2019 21:44

I peaked very early and became invisible to men in my mid twenties. About the time I stopped wearing low cut tops. My breasts were really the only part of me that ever got any admiring glances anyway. I prefer nothing than speaking to the top of some fellas head. Plus I never went for the type of men that le anyway.

However, I do get angry sometimes about being truly invisible sometimes though. I used to work with a man who never spoke to me, unless he had a message to get across or something, no small talk nothing at all. He was a bit creepy with all the women he did speak to so I preferred nothing, but it made me so angry. Literally every woman was either ignored or creeped on, no small talk, no politeness nothing.