Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Aib u to ask what age did you become invisible and do you miss the attention of the opposite sex.

233 replies

whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 17:51

Until now I always thought it was a myth.I am 52 however I am slim energetic with a young sense of humour and taste in music.Having a teenager at home I keep up with the latest trends through him.I work long hours and have the stamina people half my age lack.I work with people in their 20s.
Recently though there is no denying my wrinkles.Previously I thought they were a badge of honour.Now I just feel old.Men do give me second glances when I am out.However for the most part I feel invisible.
I have never been pretty more attractive I think.What age did you feel like this?

OP posts:

FruHagen · 18/03/2019 19:02

If you live in Scandinavia like I do - you're invisible the moment you arrive here. No-one looks at each other! In any way whatsoever.
Young, old, hot, not hot. Everyone is invisible. Some cultural thing were looking at each other is not natural.

It is not good and you realize that not liking being not looked at is not just about feeling sad you're not sexy to men but feeling like you're a ghost to everyone.

drspouse · 18/03/2019 19:02

I just think desirability is nice.
Depends who's doing the desiring and how they are letting you know.

isseywithcats · 18/03/2019 19:04

im 62 not bad looking for my age still got a good slim figure and am with someone so not looking for attention but when im waiting at the bus stop see the odd interested look from middle aged men, dont take any notice but its still nice to be noticed

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/03/2019 19:04

I married quite young, and haven't really given a thought to how desirable I am (in a general sense) since then. I've had men make advances from time to time, but I've never seen that as being about attractiveness (more of a much younger wife must be up for it sort of thing).

One of the great things about being older (I'm 45) is that I've stopped thinking about who likes me, and started concentrating on who/what I like. It's nice. I wouldn't have noticed in my teens if I turned heads or not, and I don't care now so I certainly don't feel any sense of loss.

AssetRichIncomePoor · 18/03/2019 19:05

I always had a lot of male attention when I was younger. I'm 48 with DC at university, and still have it. Or, rather, have it again. There was a phase in my 30s when I had small children and an abusive XH, when I just wanted to fade into the background and not draw attention to myself. Now, though, it's a bit like being 20 again. I am happy to be single, though, so just enjoy the flirting/banter when it comes my way.

DiscoDown · 18/03/2019 19:07

I've always been invisible. I'm not ugly but not particularly attractive either (plain I suppose), but I have quite low self esteem and I think that shows. So, I get ignored at the bar, in shops, when I'd go out when I was younger I'd occasionally get hit on but nowhere near as much as my friends etc. I got divorced a while ago and have met someone since, we met online so chatted first but I don't kid myself he'd have approached me at a bar for example. I think my life would have been a bit easier if I'd have been pretty, but at least I don't have to worry about losing my looks!

TellySavalashairbrush · 18/03/2019 19:09

I’ve never been visible really. In many ways I see it as a blessing my 21yr old dd has been harassed since her mid teens and is very blaise about it, but I feel uncomfortable on her behalf.

IcedPurple · 18/03/2019 19:09

@Fruhagen

It is not good and you realize that not liking being not looked at is not just about feeling sad you're not sexy to men but feeling like you're a ghost to everyone.

I once read something similar from someone living in Amsterdam. She said you almost forget what it's like being appreciated as a woman. Yes, I know we should all be above that but I do think most of us - men and women - enjoy a bit of mild flirtation and acknowledgement of our attractiveness. It just makes everyday life a bit nicer.

As for myself, well, I'm getting on for 50 (how did that happen?) and while I do still get some male attention, it's less than before. Though I do say so myself, I was very pretty as a young woman and used to get lots of male attention and if I'm being honest, I liked it.

And if I'm also being honest, when I look around at men my age, there are very few I'd find physically attractive. The men who turn my head tend to be a good 10 years younger, sometimes quite a bit more! So I guess it works both ways, but probably men are less likely to judge their self-worth by how often women turn to look at them in the street. So there's that.

DiscoDown · 18/03/2019 19:09

FruHagen, yes I feel like a ghost a lot of the time.

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 19:11

I absolutely love the age of invisibility thing -

Converse to other posters it has increased my confidence no end.

I always knew that the comments, beeps, shouts, following, you know the harrassment stuff, even the looks up and down which are too obvious and start when you're so young, I knew that I hated it but I didn't realise how much it impacted me day to day till it stopped. And god it's lovely.

My DH once said I beeped and you didn't turn round why not? Because I learnt not to react when a car beeps when I was about 14. After a good couple years of experience teaching me that turning to a beeping car (instinct) was not a good thing to do.

Now, I have no concern about beeping cars, I can stand on the tube without men staring at my body. I have no fear of comments, being followed. Yes it could happen, but it's been so long since it did I have relaxed.

It is brilliant and I love it

Also has coincided with my career taking off, I think men see me more as a person now that I am older. Which has really helped.

I understand that other women miss it. IME though there's a range from "flattering" to "fucking terrifying" and for that reason most women are ambivalent about it. I would have ditched the former as a young woman if it meant none of the latter, in a heartbeat

Ohyesiam · 18/03/2019 19:12

I love not being constantly appraised. It really frees me up

Coffeepot72 · 18/03/2019 19:13

I recently had a pixie cut. I became invisible overnight. But my hair is growing back quite quickly and I get attention again. Weird. I''m 49

lljkk · 18/03/2019 19:14

Sometimes I am surprised how old & frumpy I look in the mirror.
So I don't look in the mirror.
Problem solved!
Another one who doesn't miss male attention, hate being centre of attention at any time.

MeAgainAgain · 18/03/2019 19:14

lol Ohysesiam said it a tad more succinctly than me!!!

sailorsdelight · 18/03/2019 19:14

Quite literally the day after my 40th birthday.
Couldn’t quite believe it but as a gay woman I have to say it’s been an absolute blessing as I never wanted male attention in the first place. I feel for my older single straight girlfriends though. I know some amazing women in their 40s who have a terrible time finding blokes their own age whonall seem to be after 25 year olds.if they were gay old i’d have them married off to women their own age in a instant who’s actually appreciate them...

Ribbonsonabox · 18/03/2019 19:18

I've only gone invisible because I stopped giving a shit, because I've got two kids under 4! I just wander round in dark coloured shapeless clothing with no makeup on. I've no interest in being seen by anyone. I'm two steps away from going feral in the woods!!
But I do not think its true that age renders you 'invisible'... I think people will look at you and men will be interested in you at any age if you have confidence and/or style and/or beauty (and i dont think peoples natural beauty fades with age)
My mother constantly gets male attention and shes in her 60s, shes always been very beautiful and on top of that pays a lot of attention to her 'look'... that's just what makes her happy, I dont think she does it for attention but thats a result of it.
It's not for me really, I couldn't be bothered with all that!
But I still dont think I'd be invisible if I didnt want to be (which I do right now because I'm too tired to deal with any type of interaction lol)

tennisracquet · 18/03/2019 19:20

I'm sorry someone said you were ugly @whatisforteamum.
to call someone that is so extreme that it definitely says more about his mood/his self hatred that he wanted to make someone feel as bad as he did inside

SpiritedLondon · 18/03/2019 19:21

It’s interesting that people don’t think it happens professionally too. My friend was telling me about an experiment where a group of strangers were in a board room and each person was assigned a role in the organisation and had a name plaque in front of them. There was a conversation among the group and then afterwards the participants were asked to describe the others and remember what their title was. The older lady in the group was the most senior but bugger all remembered her or realised who she was. Probably not the experience of us all but I do believe we live in a youth obsessed society and experience is not terribly valued. How often do you see an old, craggy faced Male TV presenter paired with a young glamorous lady colleague? Personally I’m 48 and not invisible but certainly heading that way. I don’t think that men feel the change in the same way - judging by my 54 year old Male, married colleague who’s just put the moves on my 32 year old glamourous friend. Quite some confidence.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2019 19:24

I wonder if it all depends on how attractive you were when you were younger?

Super attractive? So, too much unwanted attention, now love the invisibility.

Quite attractive? Enjoyed the little bit of attention, and now miss it.

cabingirl · 18/03/2019 19:25

I don't really miss the attention from strangers. I get pleasantly surprised by occasional flirtations at parties (which reminds me how much less it happens now)

The only time I feel a slight sad twinge is when I'm out with my absolutely stunning step-daughters who are in their 20s and then it's a mild nostalgia and longing for being 'young and fancy-free' with it all ahead of you. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 19:28

Yes he was mid 30s.Thought he was getting on.!!Like I say he said it to my kid 20s colleague too.Perhaps he was his own looks fading.

OP posts:

Ilovetolurk · 18/03/2019 19:29

I work in quite a public facing role and am frequently interviewed by bloggers, for TV etc. Overwhelmingly photos of me do not make the cut generic photos linked to my trade do instead

This tickled me. "We preferred the picture of a large warehouse"

Someone pointed out on a similar thread that it would be strange and wrong if young 20 something men were leering at 50 year old women. My problem is I am still 31 in my head

I have recently gone much blonder in my highlights (grey roots finally have their advantages) and I've noticed I'm suddenly getting stared at again. Most odd

Asta19 · 18/03/2019 19:32

arethereanyleftatal

You may have a point there, I was in the latter group. So I never got men beeping at me in the street or leering at my body. The attention I got was 95% just “nice” and not creepy in any way. I’ve always had a small chest (hated it when younger, don’t care now!) so men have never talked to my boobs instead of my face as they were almost non existent! So yes I do miss the attention that I used to get.

thistimeofyear · 18/03/2019 19:32

Old men look at me now lol!!!

YukoandHiro · 18/03/2019 19:37

Not the same thing but I really noticed my age a couple of years ago when I realised the second glances on the tube were now coming not from the eligible young bachelors but the married men in their 50s. (I'm mid 30s).

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10