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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib u to ask what age did you become invisible and do you miss the attention of the opposite sex.

233 replies

whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 17:51

Until now I always thought it was a myth.I am 52 however I am slim energetic with a young sense of humour and taste in music.Having a teenager at home I keep up with the latest trends through him.I work long hours and have the stamina people half my age lack.I work with people in their 20s.
Recently though there is no denying my wrinkles.Previously I thought they were a badge of honour.Now I just feel old.Men do give me second glances when I am out.However for the most part I feel invisible.
I have never been pretty more attractive I think.What age did you feel like this?

OP posts:
MsFenellaFielding · 18/03/2019 18:37

Interesting many of us find the compliments from a woman more sincere. It does make you feel nice.

ludothedog · 18/03/2019 18:38

Don't remember when it happened exactly. I guess it's just slowly creeped up on me. To a certain extent I have deliberately taken steps to become invisible. My job requires that. I don't feel any different than I did in my 20ies though.

Don't worry about your op. I understood perfectly what you meant and it's perfectly possible to feel this way and still have self worth that's not grounded in how the other sex sees you. It's a normal human emotion to want to feel desired and yes unfortunately as women get older they are perceived as becoming less attractive. Shame really.

RomanyQueen1 · 18/03/2019 18:38

I'm 52 and don't feel invisible, but I've never really tried to get men's attention.
I think if you get a bit older and go beige well you will be a bit invisible because you'll blend in with the other beige and lilac crepe wearing women.
If you keep bright, cheerful and make eye contact, it's hard to become invisible.

BirdieInTheHand · 18/03/2019 18:40

Early 40s

I still scrub up ok but I don't turn heads of strangers any longer. In some ways it's a relief - the biggest that I no longer have to worry that friendliness might be misconstrued.

That's said it's depressing to realise how much of my previously life was oiled by my looks. I didn't realise it at the time but now it's in the past it's painfully obvious. And it's not only men: being looked after in shops by women seems to have also waned.

Sniv · 18/03/2019 18:41

I'm early 30s, but I never really get attention from men...unless I'm out with my girlfriend and people clock we're a couple - that seems to bring every skin-crawling creep out of the woodwork. We get offers, comments, catcalls, men following us, men blocking our way, etc, etc, etc.

I hate, hate, hate it. Bring on invisibility; I can't wait.

Aroundtheworldandback · 18/03/2019 18:42

I would say I became invisible close to 50. I had a minor facelift (“freshen up”) as the surgeon put it, and now I would say when I scrub up I’m not invisible- i have no problem with wrinkles but the sagging jowels were something else. None of my friends could tell, they just thought I wa looking good but couldn’t put their finger on it.

I know I’m just putting off the inevitable though!

Kaboodler · 18/03/2019 18:42

I've had the opposite experience

Teens - fat
Twenties - fat
Thirties - fat
Forty - lost loads of weight and it's now a whole new experience in terms of male attention.

ladymalfoy · 18/03/2019 18:42

Why are so many of us concerned about whether we are attractive to complete strangers? I care not a jot. I hear colleagues that are upset because their pupils don’t like them or don’t consider them friends. It’s lunacy. We are dressed by men to compete with other women. Fuck that shit.

Tortycat · 18/03/2019 18:43

I used to get a lot of male attention and if I'm honest I loved it. Shallow maybe, but it was a real confidence boost to know a lot of people thought i was attractive.

Noticed becoming more invisible around 40, although this coincided with having small children, a mum tum, living rurally so mainly dressed in wellies and huge coat, and no time to spend on my appearance. So not sure if it was age or the lack of effort. Still have no time or energy as young dc, and attention has not come back!

I do miss it when i think about it, but it bothers me less than i thought it would. I suspect it will when i have more time to spend and yet the attention doesnt come back...

BirdieInTheHand · 18/03/2019 18:45

It's not about the attractiveness per se it's that people go out of their way to assist those that they see as attractive. They attach some sort of value to it.

So it's not that men were asking me out but they were definitely more helpful when I needed it.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2019 18:45

A while ago in a deli I was queuing, not an orderly queue, but I was next in line. The good looking male twenty something server completely ignored me to serve the very good looking teenage girl behind me. I was absolutely gutted.
I think it must be much easier if you've never particularly had attention due to looks; if you have, then it disappears, it's tough to take.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 18/03/2019 18:46

Put on a few (three) stone. Whooom! Invisible! Not just to men either. I work in quite a public facing role and am frequently interviewed by bloggers, for TV etc. Overwhelmingly photos of me do not make the cut - generic photos linked to my trade do instead.

I’m actually glad of this thread though. I’d been feeling pretty shit about it, but to see people not giving a monkeys is quite refreshing.

Thank you.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 18/03/2019 18:47

I used to feel really awkward at all the attention I got because I was very pretty when I was younger so for me it's been an absolute blessing to become invisible at 50. I am happily married though with a really happy social setup so possibly that influences it and if I was looking for a new partner maybe it would be harder.

I don't think that I would ever want anybody else so even if anything happened to my husband I think I would just live on my own because I do like my own space anyway and most relationships seem to be about compromise.

So no I don't miss male attention it just always made me feel embarrassed.

Lottapianos · 18/03/2019 18:47

'Interesting many of us find the compliments from a woman more sincere'

I also enjoy compliments from men that I know that are not pervy, like 'you look nice today' or 'that's a cool skirt' or whatever

Kaboodler · 18/03/2019 18:49

A guy said I was ugly last week and to a colleague in her 20s.

Why do some people have to be so fucking cruel? Makes me rage. I know it's an inadequacy on their part but it still burns.

I remember a bloke walking towards me and my friend, nudging his friend and then saying to us as he passed 'woah, here come the fatties' as if it was the most hi-fukcin-larious thing in the world. I roared after him (rather coarsely) 'come back and say that to my face, you cunt!' and he looked so shocked and just scurried off as quickly as he could. These bastards rely on people being intimidated into silence. Pity the poor souls who live with these fuckers!

PositiveVibez · 18/03/2019 18:52

I think it must be much easier if you've never particularly had attention due to looks; if you have, then it disappears, it's tough to take

So you're saying life's not as hard if you've always been a complete munter 🤣🤣

arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2019 18:56

Yup positivevibes. Not as hard in this scenario only though!

drspouse · 18/03/2019 18:56

I was harassed but not flirted with in my 20s/30s which is the worst of both worlds.
Now I'm 52 and quite a bit thinner and nobody flirts with me but people do patronise me. Does that count?

Dungeondragon15 · 18/03/2019 18:56

I think that being invisible is one of the few things I like about being older and I certainly don't miss male attention. I have teenage daughters and they get a lot of attention and harassment when we go out especially in pubs and I do not envy them at all.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 18/03/2019 18:57

I am quite loud and opinionated and bossy.I do mostly take on a positive role at work and my GM was an active positive person until she was 93.
I just think desirability is nice.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 18/03/2019 18:58

I'm loving the amount of women who are enjoying their invisibility. That sounds a nice place to be at.

GirlFliesHome · 18/03/2019 18:59

Yes I'd say I have been invisible since I put on a shed load of weight.

But I am not usually considered that attractive anyway.

Oddly enough the most I have ever been propositioned in my life has been the year after I got married- all from married male acquaintances. It was extraordinarily shocking. I think these scum men thought they might have a chance for some no strings whatever because I'd have as much to lose as them. I was deeply shocked. And also shocked to find how nasty and aggressive some of these men become when you turn them down.

So its more restful now, I'd say.

AzureApps · 18/03/2019 19:01

44 and enjoying being taken seriously, I am about to go into a new job, mostly male sector, really looking forward to it.

madcatladyforever · 18/03/2019 19:01

Probably around 48 as I went through the menopause early.
I don't miss male attention as my feelings for men vanished after the menopause and men who wolf whistled or paid me attention were mostly dick heads anyway.

Generationrenter · 18/03/2019 19:01

When I had kids and gained 2 stone!
I used to get a lot of attention. I’ll never forget this one man who said ‘excuse me’ I turned around and greeted him with a massive baby bump and he said ‘sorry ma’am didn’t mean to bother you’ Sad
That was pretty much the end of it! No money or time to look good now, I’d Be lying if I said I didn’t miss it massively, I don’t care if that makes me shallow either.