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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granparent holidays

160 replies

biatu · 18/03/2019 10:43

MIL wants to take DS (8) to Spain this summer for 2 weeks as a bday present for her 60th from her partner, me and OH cant afford to go with so it would be DS, MIL and MILs partner. I have never been abroad personally so feel like I would rather my sons first time abroad be a family hol. Me and OH are not keen to say yes, AIBU?

OP posts:
AuchAyeTheNo · 18/03/2019 20:19

OP I would say no. 2 weeks is a long time away for an 8 year old and its not like MIL and partner will be able to entertain him properly. He’ll get bored and homesick.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with them both drinking either but then I’m very cautious with watching kids while drinking thanks to a previous nightmare

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 20:21

Can't believe how many GPs scoop up the GC and go on holidays that the parents can't afford

Does this happen? Grandparents scooping up their grandchildren while the parents are left at home feeling left out. I don’t think so.

HandsOffMeChips · 18/03/2019 20:21

My parents took mine to Spain when they were under ten for a fortnight, the kids loved it. ( me and my husband loved the peace too along with a romantic weekend away )
Me and my husband take our grandkids on holiday, we all enjoy ourselves. It's lovely to have a strong bond.
Let them go and enjoy themselves OP. You will have plenty of other holidays.

HotpotLawyer · 18/03/2019 20:23

But why is MIL’s DH happy for them to take an 8 year old on holiday when he is paying and arranged it as her birthday surprise? And paying school hol prices? (OK, maybe he is a teacher)

“Oh, MILname, happy birthday, as this is a major birthday I have splashed out for a holiday for you, we can see Naples, gamble the night away in Vegas, sip cocktails and watch the sunset in Nice. And as a special treat let’s take an 8 year old child with us!”

Odd.

llangennith · 18/03/2019 20:30

Taking a single child abroad means booking places where there are kids clubs or plenty of activities they can do with other kids as they get very bored being with adults.
I'm not sure your MIL has thought this through.

MummaGiles · 18/03/2019 20:31

Is you DS a strong swimmer? I would be concerned about supervision around water if it’s not something their used to, drinking aside.

KatharinaRosalie · 18/03/2019 20:34

I wonder how the DH himself survived when the MIL according to some posters has never seen a child and has no idea what to do with one.

NaturalBornWoman · 18/03/2019 20:35

2 weeks is a long time away for an 8 year old and its not like MIL and partner will be able to entertain him properly. He’ll get bored and homesick.

Why won't they be able to entertain him properly? How do you know that this particular child will get both bored and homesick?

SuziQ10 · 18/03/2019 20:50

No. I would not be sending my child away for two weeks with anyone. Doesn't matter where they're going.

If grandparents wanted to, they could find a way for all of you to go. I.e cheaper dates, cheaper accommodation maybe an apartment to share. Consider 1 week rather than 2, Help you get with the costs / payment plan etc.

thewalrus · 18/03/2019 20:54

I wouldn't like this. I wouldn't like my child to be away for that long. I wouldn't be comfortable with my child going somewhere that I couldn't afford to go and get/see them If necessary. I would have concerns about how tiring my.parents or in laws would find a fortnight of constant childcare. (If relevant, my parents live overseas and we've all done a fair amount of travelling so it's not anxiety about the unknown abroad...)
But actually it isn't relevant at all, what matters here is what you think and feel and you're not comfortable with it.

HexagonalBattenburg · 18/03/2019 20:57

"Can't believe how many GPs scoop up the GC and go on holidays that the parents can't afford"

Actually my mum usually books a lodge or something (she takes them to one of the family oriented caravan park type hell holes) with enough space for me to go for a bit or all of it if I wanted to... but the reason she takes them is a) because she adores them but also b) because it gives me a bit of a break and mental downtime (DD2 has some SEN issues which, while nowhere near in the league a lot of people deal with, do get mentally draining over time).

I know that my mum will be pretty consistent with how I tend to parent - she'll stick to the things that need sticking to like DD2's medication etc (MIL has a proven history of not doing so which is why I limit it to weekends where she's concerned - we've tried before a few times and she's proven I can't trust her on the things that really matter). I don't sweat the small stuff from either side of them all.

Odds are mine will probably spend a good fortnight of the summer holidays with grandparents, and at least part of that will be on a holiday of some sort.

geekone · 18/03/2019 21:01

Oh good god this post has gone to hell in a hand basket.

8 year olds being talked about as if they are toddlers, GPS being vilified for daring to want to do something nice with their GKs. I bet many of the snowflakes on here who can’t bear their child being off enjoying themselves with anyone else, are more than happy for the free child care that GPs offer.

He’s 8 ask him, does he want to go, is he happy being away for 2 weeks if the answers are yes then you are not thinking about him at all of your don’t let him go, you are being selfish to the detriment of his experiences and his relationship with his GPs.

As for the drinking I feel sorry for anyone who is so anxious and lives so on edge that they worry about how to get to A&E when the chances are 99.999% you will never need to go and if you do for a child they will send an ambulance if it is serious if not there are taxis.

I am actually confounded.

ShabbyAbby · 18/03/2019 21:33

I find this odd though. On the one hand are parents using wrap around care 5 days a week, with an au pair, GPS babysitting, with a nanny etc., and on the other 8 year olds often go on residential trips with school or because of interests, and by this age many will be boarders. Not to mention time with NRPs in cases of divorce etc.
But call it a holiday and everybody loses their shit.

lyralalala · 18/03/2019 21:52

I find it bizarre that so many people are talking about how bored the child will be and how hopeless the GM will be at entertaining him when she clearly manages fine in the 6 day stays she’s already had him for.

This isn’t a GM who is only used to her DGS for an hour once a month.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 21:53

“Oh, MILname, happy birthday, as this is a major birthday I have splashed out for a holiday for you, we can see Naples, gamble the night away in Vegas, sip cocktails and watch the sunset in Nice. And as a special treat let’s take an 8 year old child

And it might not be any of the above eh? It could just be a fortnight in a hotel that the MIL though it would be nice if you could take her grandson along to as she normally has him over summer iirc.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/03/2019 22:05

I think it's a big ask, OP, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I don't think you and your OH are being selfish to want your DS's first holiday abroad to be with you.

I'm 60+ and although it's a significant birthday it's not that earth shattering, so don't be made to feel like you owe her this 'gift'. It's too far away for too long, birthday or no birthday.

On a completely separate point, I bet if you started a thread on how to have a really cheap holiday abroad you'd have more replies than you knew what to do with.

Mookatron · 18/03/2019 22:08

8 year olds don't go on 2 week residential trips though do they?

And I'm guessing the people who have wrap around nannies/send their kids to boarding school are Not the same people who wouldn't be happy with a 2 week holiday.

I don't know why everything has to be an 'issue' on here where you're a 'snowflake' on the one hand or a child-grabbing granny on the other. You are allowed to make decisions about your own kids based purely on your instinct. Should my kids have had a grandparent who was prepared to take them on a 2 week holiday abroad I would worry that they would say they wanted to go and then chicken out after the tickets had been bought, or feel really homesick and miserable half way through. That's because they don't have grandparents they see every day. Equally I don't think grandparents are trying to steal their grandkids away - but they should accept the parents decision.

Namenic · 18/03/2019 22:26

Depends if GPs respect your boundaries and are safe looking after him. The fact that they look after him for a week in summer is pretty good. Is he a good swimmer? Is he sensible (ie will he reliably listen to instructions)? Would you have the capacity to go out there if things were a problem?

I think the not going abroad as a family is less of an issue. I mean, provided he is safe and happy in their care, I’d let him go (though I’d make sure we got travel insurance). But I guess I was used to being apart from my parents - with other relatives, boarding school etc. I missed my mum when I was young - like 5. But didn’t get home sick by 11. But each kid is different.

gart · 18/03/2019 22:35

Go with your gut. You are his Mum and you decide. Refuse the offer politely but clearly.

My personal opinion is that 2 weeks is to long and the destination to far. It's a shame they didn't include you in their plans. You come as a package.

PlasticPatty · 18/03/2019 23:25

It comes across as bitter and tbh quite nasty to say that she’s had her chance of being a mother

Only if you want it to.

Hugtheduggee · 18/03/2019 23:35

I think the 'why dont they also pay for thr parents' brigade forget that with many package holidays, you can get a free place for a child. It may therefore be costing no/very little extra.

Becles · 19/03/2019 00:01

@gart

Go with your gut. You are his Mum and you decide. Refuse the offer politely but clearly.

Does dad get a say or do you need a uterus to be able to trust the woman who raised you?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 19/03/2019 00:26

I'm a GM and have taken my DGS for a week's holiday 'abroad' and we had a great time. I wish I'd had another adult with me though - it was hard being on all the time; I'd forgotten how many questions a 5 year old asks, despite having him for every other weekend and some whole weeks before. It was hard work.

For my 60th DH and I took DS, DDIL and DGS's on a week long cruise. That was perfect. We could be together and apart as we chose, and got to spend lots of quality and fun time together. I don't think we would take DGS on one without his parents though. It would certainly curtail our grown up time.

My lovely parents have taken all of their DGC's on holidays, some for several weeks in other countries, and all have loved it. It depends on the child, the grandparents, and the place/circumstances. Ultimately, it is up to the parent, so make your own mind up.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/03/2019 00:32

I wouldn't allow this at 8. 2 weeks is to long and Spain is to far.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/03/2019 00:41

I would be more concerned with swimming pools and 100% supervision.
2 weeks is a long time to be entertaining an 8 year old.