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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Granparent holidays

160 replies

biatu · 18/03/2019 10:43

MIL wants to take DS (8) to Spain this summer for 2 weeks as a bday present for her 60th from her partner, me and OH cant afford to go with so it would be DS, MIL and MILs partner. I have never been abroad personally so feel like I would rather my sons first time abroad be a family hol. Me and OH are not keen to say yes, AIBU?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/03/2019 12:38

@C0untDucku1a are you sure it was for a nap and not something more fun?

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2019 12:39

“The grandmother's wishes do not override the mother's.”

Of course they don’t. Are you suggesting that the grandmother is forcibly taking the children holiday at gunpoint?

UnspiritualHome · 18/03/2019 12:40

Being in Spain doesn't entail being in a "strange environment" where you have to be alert at all times as you suggest - particularly if your in-laws are already familiar with travelling abroad.

I don't really see why the first time a child travels abroad is a big deal. Unless you know that you will definitely have a holiday abroad in the near future, it seems mean to deprive your child of this chance.

Lweji · 18/03/2019 12:41

Spain in Summer is super hot.

It really depends on where you go in Spain.

UnspiritualHome · 18/03/2019 12:42

I would be more concerned that they don't know what it is like to take an overexcited 8 year old on a Summer holiday

Why wouldn't they, for goodness sake? They've brought up their own children and are highly unlikely to have forgotten. Plenty of 60 year olds that I know have more stamina than the average knackered parent.

PlasticPatty · 18/03/2019 12:42

BertrandRussell - go pick a fight with someone else. I've 'known' you for years and I'm not interested.

NaturalBornWoman · 18/03/2019 12:43

Very sad for the mothers on here who are so overwhelmed by anxiety. It must be exhausting to be in such a state of heightened stress the whole time, so fearful of extremely unlikely events that one of you must be ready to drive at all times and so lacking in confidence in your own parenting skills that you can't bear the children having a normal relationship with a grandparent in case it takes something away from you.

Mymycherrypie · 18/03/2019 12:44

For me, I would really have to think hard on it because at 8, is he a confident swimmer and would she be ok to get in the pool with him. My childhood holidays were always spent in the pool and we were very good swimmers, if he wasn’t a good swimmer I’d say no. Is she v good at keeping an eye on him in the water or at the beach etc.

Otherwise, I’d say that 2 weeks is a bit longer but if he could swim then a week would be fine. I think the fact you’ve not been abroad is clouding this a bit too, let him have the experience.

JazzerMcJazzer · 18/03/2019 12:44

Mmmmbrekkie

I suspect this wouldn’t be an exploring holiday. More like Spanish all inclusive resort? Fair enough but point is don’t worry about him missing out on an “experience”.

Wow. How snobbish and patronising. I have travelled all over the world as an adult but I have very very happy memories of resort holiday with my parents as a child. And eight is just about bang on for loving the pool and the beach and the ice cream and the fun fruit drinks and not being remotely interested in exploring or culture. Plus a lot of resorts have kids’ clubs doing sports and other activities that some kids love.

I was actually coming on to say that I’d advise against it if they want to do a self-catering villa but if it is a resort then you have the big pool(s), the activity, lots of support from English-speaking reps and staff in the unlikely event that any emergency arises and lots of other kids around if he is the type who likes to make friends. That said, 2 weeks does seem quite long. Any chance he could just go for the first week and fly back as an unaccompanied minor, with you meeting him at the airport?

Mookatron · 18/03/2019 12:47

I feel like this is one of those times you can say 'no' if you don't feel comfortable with it, and not really have to explain yourself. I wouldn't want my 8 year old to go abroad for 2 weeks without me (not that my mum would suggest taking her for that long in a million years ). If pushed I could come up with reasons but ultimately I just don't want her to and she's my daughter, so I think that's OK. I think I might allow a ten year old who was very keen to go him or herself - and once in the teens, of course you have to override your own feelings. But 8 is little yet and in any case the partner whom he doesn't know all that well would make me feel extra uncomfortable about it.

deste · 18/03/2019 12:51

We took my friends grand daughter skiing at the age of 3 and she was a natural. Did she ever go skiing again, no. And the reason was the daughter In law would never be able to ski herself so why should her daughter. Don’t be that mother, at eight he will have a ball, kids club, beach, ice cream and really bonding with his granny.

ScatteredMama82 · 18/03/2019 12:53

I think it has to boil down to whether you trust MIL to take care of him. There is no way on earth my MIL would be allowed to take my 9 year old away even in this country never mind abroad but she is so dismissive of safety concerns (like bike helmets for instance) and she once asked why I need a babysitter in the evening as he's 9 now. However, my son does go to my best friend for a week each summer (and then her daughter comes to us for a week) and I know she looks after him like he is her own so if she wanted to take him abroad for a week I'd be fine with that if he wanted to go.

HopefullyAnonymous · 18/03/2019 12:54

My grandparents used to take un on holiday every year; my parents couldn’t afford to (every other year they would pay for my parents too). We loved it and have some fantastic memories of my grandfather who sadly is no longer with us. They are some of my favourite childhood memories.

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2019 12:54

I think you should say “yes” to things if you possibly can. And I can’t really see any reason to say no in these circumstances. “Because I don’t want to” is not a good reason in my opinion.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 18/03/2019 12:58

My mum took my ds away for holidays many times at that age. (After retiring at 60) often with my dad or with me. She had bags more energy than me, popping him off places - the beach, pool, soft play, arcades, into town, shows, everything. I loved it that they spent so much time together - in a caravan they shared a bed. She'd get up early with him and I'd hear them chattering together. Winners all round. 🙂

Starlight456 · 18/03/2019 12:58

I would look at how viable it is you can take him if not it would be a great experience

Weirdpenguin · 18/03/2019 12:59

I am nearer 70 than 60, I think most 60 year olds would have enough energy to cope with one 8 year old and keep him amused ( probably not a two year old). It's entirely up to you though if you feel he would be happy or not. I wouldn't refuse on the rather selfish grounds of wanting to be first but I can see why you might feel that 2 weeks is too long, he might miss you too much. Posters saying that a grandparent doesn't realise what is involved in taking an 8 year old on holiday are a bit patronising. Does she drink heavily? Why are you concerned about her drinking. If alcohol is an issue for her it would be a definite "no" from me.

Mookatron · 18/03/2019 13:00

I suppose it depends on their existing relationship. Neither of my kids would have wanted/would want to be away from me for 2 weeks at that age. If they were begging to go I might feel differently. It's not so much worrying about what disaster might happen - I personally suffer terribly with anxiety around that but try very hard not to let it affect the decisions I make for my kids - it's more about how my kid would feel half way through the week. Also, having been a kid just out for the day with my beloved Grandma and her boyfriend it was weird, and in retrospect I understand that she was struggling with the roles of grandma and partner.

But I maintain - you don't need to give a reason. Your son's 8, and you decide. Part of being a parent is feeling confident in your own decisions.

Chewbecca · 18/03/2019 13:05

There is no right or wrong here.

Personally if I felt the GPS were capable and DS would want to go and would enjoy the trip, I would say yes.

2 weeks seems long if they are not used to spending that long together, I’d suggest shorter.

I wouldn’t say no because of having a drink, needing to drive or that over anxious stuff. Many of us are almost as equally comfortable in Spain as we are in the UK, no extra precautions are needed.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 13:07

“The grandmother's wishes do not override the mother's.”

Yes of course, but all the grandmother has done is ask if she can take her grandson on holiday. Afiwk she hadn’t demanded or thrown a strop, just a request that can be rejected if the OP wishes.

It comes across as bitter and tbh quite nasty to say that she’s had her chance of being a mother.

BlueMerchant · 18/03/2019 13:07

It would be a big sorry but 'NO'.
I wouldn't want my son that far away from me where I couldn't just jump in a car and get to him. If my child spent every weekend staying with grandmother and her partner it would still be a 'No'. A weekend in this country would be fine maybe even a week but two weeks abroad?Not a chance!

MillyMollyMandy2018 · 18/03/2019 13:07

If I couldn’t afford to fly out in case of an emergency I would say no. That’s the biggest issue for me.

waterrat · 18/03/2019 13:08

It seems a bit sad to me that they wouldn't offer to pay for you too>

I can't imagine seeing my daughter go without holidays and just offering to take my grandchild. Surely if they went somewhere cheaper then all of you could go?

Limensoda · 18/03/2019 13:11

If your ds is not used to being away from you for two weeks, it may be too long, too soon.
If he gets bored or homesick he is too far away for them to bringing him home or for you to get him. This could ruin his grandparents holiday? Have they considered this?
He could be perfectly ok but it's the length of the holiday that's most worrying.
I have a grandson who would have been perfectly happy to be away from his parents for that length of time when he was eight. His younger brother who is now 7, and spends a lot of time with me, struggles to spend a night away from his mum.
Only you know whether your child would be ok. I would be concerned it's two weeks.

lalafafa · 18/03/2019 13:13

what else would he be doing if he was at home?
to the snob who mentioned AI, meeting other kids, swimming in a pool all day, beach campfires, cooking classe, treasure hunts? instead of schleping around on a city break ?

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