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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granparent holidays

160 replies

biatu · 18/03/2019 10:43

MIL wants to take DS (8) to Spain this summer for 2 weeks as a bday present for her 60th from her partner, me and OH cant afford to go with so it would be DS, MIL and MILs partner. I have never been abroad personally so feel like I would rather my sons first time abroad be a family hol. Me and OH are not keen to say yes, AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/03/2019 11:14

Does he want to go?

You trust her to look after him for long periods anyway so why is this different?

Don’t let him miss out because of your anxieties or desire to have “firsts”

Lweji · 18/03/2019 11:18

Actually, are they renting a villa or a small apartment? Or are they staying at a hotel? Where will your boy sleep? Their room or his own?

The two weeks away, as such, wouldn't be a problem for me just as long I was confident my MIL was reliable. Do you trust her to keep an eye on him at all times?
Is she known for drinking too much? Why would you worry about her drinking?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/03/2019 11:22

I wonder if 2 weeks is too much, for all of you. A week or 5 days sounds more manageable especially if he's homesick. As you mum hasn't really taken your DS into account, I do think this is more about her than about giving your DS an opportunity you haven't had. I also agree that the dynamic changes quite a bit if your DS is with your mum and her partner rather than just your mum.

Potentially could your mum and her partner go out for a week, then you go out with DS for a long weekend, planning to leave DS there for a few more days and you return home? You get to see his first on a plane, they get some time with him on holiday and it's a more suitable length of time.

lyralalala · 18/03/2019 11:24

I think you need to separate the two issues.

Firstly the first holiday issue. Totally understandable that you’d want to take him, but if you are unlikely to be able too I wouldn’t deprive him of the trip for that reason.

Second the length of time. That should, imo, be entirely down to the safety of the child and the wishes of the child.
Mine go on holiday with grandparents quite often. I don’t enjoy it. I much prefer my kids around me. However, they love it. Absolutely love it. They probably go to bed a bit too late for my liking, but they have a ball. Their grandparents are trustworthy and would never endanger them in anyway. To me that’s more important than my preference to keep them close by.

ItsAllGone19 · 18/03/2019 11:27

I wouldn't allow it. There's no way I'd let my children go overseas if I couldn't afford to fly there in the event of a problem.

I know it's a remote possibility but not one I'd be willing to chance.

That's irrespective of who'd like to take them overseas.

Plus 2 weeks away from my children would be hell.

Different people have different priorities but that's how I'd feel.

HotpotLawyer · 18/03/2019 11:30

It seems a bit mad for MIL to want to take an 8 year old on a hol that is a birthday present from her partner, and I am amazed her partner has agreed to it. What a compromise on their own holiday!

I also think 2 weeks is a long time.

I would say 'how generous but we could't possibly presume to impose Ds on your special holiday - not for a whole two weeks - have a great time the two of you and maybe when it is a shorter trip later in the year'

Also - are they going in school hols? Paying school hol prices when they don't need to? Hmm

Because if it is in term time, you and his Dad will both get fined.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 11:36

Have they already booked? If not maybe suggest a week instead of two? It’s very kind of MIL to want to take him but two weeks might be too much for her and DS.

Nameusernameuser · 18/03/2019 11:37

My sister is 7, I don't know if my mum would be happy with me taking her abroad for the first time, and I'm really close with both my sister and my mum. I look after her loads, but even so, it just feels a bit off. Incidentally we did look into Disney for both my sister's but decided they need to be much older to go abroad without their mum.

Karigan195 · 18/03/2019 11:40

Here’s the thing though: if you can’t afford to go too will you realistically be able to take him abroad yourself? If you can’t at this point see a way to donut yourself and you trust them to look after him I would not stand in the way of my son seeing the world.

Karigan195 · 18/03/2019 11:41

No idea why my phone just changed ‘take him’ to donut.....

Alsohuman · 18/03/2019 11:42

Mine would have been fine but I think my parents would have been knackered at the end of two weeks and wouldn’t have had much of a holiday. A week would probably be plenty.

BigButtonsOnMyPhone · 18/03/2019 11:43

Just say thanks - it's a very kind offer- but not this year as he is still too young to be away for 2 weeks. Why don't you suggest they try a UK based holiday first for a week to see how it goes?
I suspect if they have not had him for a long period of time before they will have forgotten how exhausting it is keeping an 8 year old entertained.
You can say no politely, you don't have to accept.

woollyheart · 18/03/2019 11:44

In the past, I refused a request from grandparents to take dd away at around that age. They normally drank a lot of alcohol on holidays, and were meeting up with other adult friends. I felt that their need to enjoy themselves on holiday would clash with appropriate care of dd.

What would your mother normally do on holiday?

MrsJayy · 18/03/2019 11:45

Agree with pp I think gran might struggle to occupy him for a fortnight

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2019 11:47

“Agree with pp I think gran might struggle to occupy him for a fortnight”
So should children not go on 2 week long holidays, then?

BigButtonsOnMyPhone · 18/03/2019 11:49

"So should children not go on 2 week long holidays, then?"

Of course they should, but there's a huge difference between being a grandma and mum in terms of child care on holiday.

Alsohuman · 18/03/2019 11:49

Not with grandparents who haven’t got the same energy and stamina they had 20 years ago. No way could I keep up with an eight year old for two weeks these days. I’d need a holiday to recover!

TriciaH87 · 18/03/2019 11:49

My youngest is 8 almost 9. We have taken him abroad before but i still would not let him or my 12 year old go away for two weeks without a parent ln this country let alone abroad. If something happens and you can't afford to go now how are you going to get to your child. Say your sorry but feel that your child is too young.

Myoldtable · 18/03/2019 11:49

I was watching my DD running in the Bath half marathon. It is one of the bigger ones and to be anywhere near the finishing line is very crowded and you have to be in position in plenty of time & would be very stressful with 2 very young children plus pushchair at the best of times. It’s a big ask.

MrsJayy · 18/03/2019 11:50

That isn't what I said or meant Bertrand where did I say 8yr olds shouldn't go to spain for 2 weeks

Myoldtable · 18/03/2019 11:50

Sorry wrong thread!

BertrandRussell · 18/03/2019 11:53

I honestly don’t see why a grandmother would struggle to entertain a child on holiday and a mother wouldn’t....

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2019 11:54

If she’s not allowed a drop of alcohol for two weeks it might put a dampener on things!

ApolloandDaphne · 18/03/2019 11:56

My DD's went abroad on holiday every year with my DP's from around age 3. They had a ball. My DP had a few drinks in the evening and no ham befell anyone. If you are abroad you are unlikely to have a car anyway and in the event of an emergency there are taxi's. Seems very unreasonable and controlling to enforce a no drink policy on someone when they are on holiday. Mine used to only go away for a week though. Maybe suggest that as a starter to see how they get on?

SallyBearwood · 18/03/2019 11:56

I think it is totally up to you. If you are not comfortable, just say so, eg. 2 weeks away, abroad, is a bit much for you, although you know they would look after him really well. Could you leave it until he is a bit older and you feel more at ease with him being so far away. - Completely reasonable. No-one else can tell you how you should feel, so do what is right for you. I think its important to listen to and go with your gut as a parent. Trust your instinct.