To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Your DH is selfish. You weren’t there for him? How about he wasn’t there for you and the children. Everything is all about him. Stop dragging two bored children around and find some time for yourself, take up a hobby yourself. It worked both ways. You deserve time off too, your lives revolve around his races and it’s quite frankly ridiculous. He’s like a petulant child.

Whaaaat mrsm43s???

Why should op have to spend her weekends being super organised to ensure she is at the finish line for her husband? He was there too and also their parent, does he share any responsibility in ensuring they have everything they possibly need?

Where was his concern for his kids?

Me and dh both run. Neither of us would ever expect the other to drag the kids round as some sort of ego boosting cheer squad. Both of us would have been apologetic and concerned for the other in the situation the op was in.

Time to say “this is utterly rubbish for the children, and for me - and now I can see our efforts aren’t even appreciated. So that’s the last time. We’re not going again. No - shut up about the ONE time you watched me. No - shut up about family time - if you care about family time you’d run less. So - that’s it, we’re not coming again. If you can’t control your behaviour when you’re nervous before, I will leave you and take the children out of that shitty atmosphere. When you have finished a race, you are to eat before you come home - again, I will divorce you if you bring your shitty attitude home to damage my children”.

I don’t believe that a man who is this selfish is only selfish over running. He’s sounds like a total arsehole.

Your first step should be to tell him that no, you’re not coming any more.

Yuck. Yuck yuck. He's being a dick. And I do get it - my husband rows as a hobby and sometimes DD and I will go down to see him cross the finishing line if it's in a convenient location with stuff for her to do there. He's always delighted when we do. But he would NEVER expect it, and he does most of his practicing during the week after she's gone to bed so that he doesn't miss out on time with her (and so I don't have to do too much solo childcare!), and if he has a race or a meet at the weekend he always takes her out on his own the next day so I get some alone time to make up for it. That's how to fit a hobby into life with a child. It's perfectly possibly, so long as you're not a selfish arse.

Super grouchy???? He needs to get himself an energy gel and man the fuck up. He not a 3 year old he's a father of two.

He needs to give his head a very serious wobble.

My DH took part in a super extreme race a couple of years ago when we had two very small children. The kind of event that needs multiple months worth of training. He made the mistake of saying to a friend of ours that he didn't think his training or the event had been particularly disruptive to family life. He got told. He had a training plan so I used to consult it to see whether or not he was going to be included in plans, and then just make them. We had a few "but I wanted to do that with you" sulks, to which I always responded "You wanted to do this event, we're not hanging around for 4 months waiting for you. You can't have it every which way."

I have done a number of half marathons. They came to the first one. I've also done a number of 10ks and they've never come. I'm doing another half soon and they are coming to that but only because there is a lot to do, and the trip will incorporate a homework project of DD1's!

Does he ask you before he signs up to these races? If not, sign up for something of your choice, and don't tell him

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity

But I take it that he doesn't expect you to be all together as a family when he's training?

I agree with whoever said you need to take the chance whilst this is fresh in your mind to talk it all through. If doing half marathons stresses him beforehand, causes him to make totally unreasonable demands on you and makes him horrible afterwards, there is simply no valid reason for continuing. He has responsibilities to his children and they need to come first. None of that means he needs to give up on his hobbies, just wind back on them whilst the children are little. However, equally it means that you are entitled to time just for you as well; make it clear that you will be looking for something you want to do and you will expect him to help out with the children, just as you have done for him for the last few years.

Spot on, Ellisandra!

What a selfish arse in so many ways.

Can’t believe his reaction! Why does he think him running a race and you being there to watch him finish trumps his dc being in dirty clothes and uncomfortable?

Obviously in an ideal you’d have spare clothes with you but you didn’t and he should accept that not make out you’re bad for not being there.

What happens as the children get older and do activities on a weekend or want to go to parties and don’t actually want to get dragged around the country watching Daddy race? Because that will happen.

He's an enormous twat about this. He should be thanking you profusely for dealing with the kids so he could race AND while he does all his training. HE should have been sorry he couldn't take you out for pizza to say thank you for putting up with him.

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity. So you have to either be looking after the kids whilst he fucks off on a run; or be with him. You know that's not normal, right?

@ReanimatedSGB

@mrsm43s it's fairly clear that this man is a self-obsessed wankstain purely because he expects and demands that his wife and young children dedicate half their weekends to watching him run about, despite the fact that standing around in a freezing cold park is of no benefit to them.

I suspect you are right, just slipping into my own personal frustration with my DH.

@reallybadidea

*Packing spare clothes for a 2 year old is basic

Why is that the OP's responsibility rather than their father's?*

I would say that it is the responsibility of the person who is looking after the children for the afternoon. In this situation it would reasonably be OP's. I would not be happy if my DH expected me to do all the packing and prep when he was taking the children out for a trip!

I have been known, on a very bad day, when DH came home, to greet him at the door in floods of tears ... This happened, this happened, this happened ... I needed an extra pair of hands so not only did he have to dead with a fractious small girl (and I only have the one), but a large one clearly handing over the tether.

I have been known to tack on "and you weren't here!" Didn't give him time to get into his stride with his comments. And I really mean floods of tears. Gin was required before bed. But, by golly, he had a better appreciation of what I went through sometimes.

If you only listen to one opinion here OP make it the post by Ellisandra

If you ignore only one post here make it the one by the absurd poster (who sounds like a man tbh) who thinks it's all on you to make sure you're properly organised to support your manchild of a husband. What abject nonsense.

Listen to Ellisandra

I run. Three of my races each year are in my home town. Husband and children have never come to cheer me on or watch me finish and that’s absolutely fine by me 🙂 means I get to go to the pub with my running club eat a massive burger and talk about the race then go home and show off my medal 🏅

Running is boring to watch - hell long runs are boring to do 😂😂😂 so I wouldn’t expect anyone to hang around for me 😁

Packing spare clothes for a 2 year old is basic, as is leaving enough time for a change and a wash before being at the finish line

mrsm43S, would you care to explain precisely how OP could arrange to time her 2 year's pooping session and her older child's vomit so that she has enough time for a change and a wash before being at the finishing line?

Ellisandra - spot on! I'd tell him this, and if he argued, I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Get some power back, OP. At the mo you are falling over backwards to facilitate and enable his behaviour. Time for some consequences of his selfishness, I think.

To address some of the comments about him not caring for his own children - I have to say this is not true, he is very loving and cares for them unconditionally, and does a lot to organise them going to nursery/school and clubs (although he’s a bit of a “tiger mom” in that DD#1 has 4 activities on Saturday (ballet, tap, swimming, dancing) lasting from 9am to 5:15pm - so all our Saturdays are super busy).

It’s just he has these outbursts where something doesn’t go his way and he lashes out at whoever is near him (it’s always me). I’ve tried to confront him about these episodes but he fights back harder, accusing me of “always having a go” at him, and then when the sheer reality of his behaviour hits him, his favourite quote is “you just want to make me feel small”.

It tears me up because we need him, as a family, and he can be so great, but it’s just walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering a flip out.

We tried to go Relate but we both work full time and there is literally no time in our schedule when we could go. Plus he doesn’t want to.

I must say, I'm liking Ellisandra's approach.

Firstly, I feel so sorry for you. What a shit show.

If he were a novice runner and this were his first half-marathon, I could really empathise more with his disappointment. He sounds pretty dreadful.

What a shite Sunday for you.

Why not take up running too and enter yourself for some 1/2 marathons then he might get the idea of what is involved with trying to entertain 2 small children for the 90 minutes he is running for.

At least you will get time in your own to train each evening.

As an aside one of your dds could have had an accident and you were in the hospital and before you could explain he says “not interested”

Think my response would have been either Grow up or F**k off or both

Definitely acting like a stroppy over entitled 5 year old.

And, what a shite Sunday for the kids.

And I wouldn’t have waited by the car for him. He said “see you at home” so I would have driven off

You should have took your kids home why did you drag them round in that's state?'