To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Does DD1 really want to do all those clubs? Who takes her?

you just want to make me feel small

OP, that's controlling language. DH used to say things like that. I always always said, I am not trying to make you feel anything, your feelings are your own, I'm expressing the way I feel. He really needs to stop doing that.

he can be so great, but it’s just walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering a flip out.
Oh, boy. There shouldn't be a "but" after "he can be so great" unless it's a lighthearted "but he's a spoony fucker/leaves the loo seat up/does this irritating foot twitch while we're watching TV [lighthearted!]".

What would happen if you didn't walk on eggshells all the time? Would he constantly flip out? You shouldn't be on eggshells in your own home, your own family, in your relationship. Doesn't matter how great things are otherwise.

Incidentally, does DD enjoy that full-on Saturday? Would you all as a family benefit from fewer activities and fewer races, more time together, more time for counselling?

@mrsm43s I would say that it is the responsibility of the person who is looking after the children for the afternoon. In this situation it would reasonably be OP's. I would not be happy if my DH expected me to do all the packing and prep when he was taking the children out for a trip!
The only reason the Op is out at all is because her husband is demanding they go and watch him race, I'm sure she'd far rather be tucked up warm at home where there are plenty of spare clothes and things to entertain the children. So I disagree, in this case it is most definitely up to the 'D'h to ensure things are organised, least he can do!

This isn’t just about running

He's a selfish prick, OP. Can you put up with this childish behaviour for the rest of your life?

I couldn't.

it’s just walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering a flip out.

Not a good way to live OP.

What a diva! It really is all about him, isn't it. And your update at 09.23 makes it clear that he is controlling and perfectionistic at other times too. Is it your DD's choice to do all those activities on a Saturday (sounds exhausting!), or is it him whipping her to do them? He sounds super competitive, and he is now trying to foist that onto your DD.

Creating such an atmosphere at home, and making sure everything revolves around him, is NOT the hallmark of a good father. Ellisandra has it right.

Please get on top of this now, OP. He will only get worse if you don't. Then you will have to leave to avoid your children being further damaged.

I thought you were going to say this was his first ever race!! Not that that makes it MUCH better but makes it more understandable he wanted to see you at finish line. Even then, he's acting like a child. Even more ridiculous that he's done loads of aces

FFS, he's not 'great'. He's an adult who doesn't control his temper at home and uses you as an emotional punching bag. Funny, bet he's never behave like this at work when things don't go his way, of course not, he'd get sacked, but his family is fair game. Bet he doesn't emotionally manipulate or gas light his work colleagues, either. Because they wouldn't put up with his shit.

You both work FT, but you work FAR more hours putting up with his bullshit.

I'd go with Ellisandra's approach. Stop letting him by the dictator in the family.

He's acting like an idiot. When you have young children, hobbies like running, golf etc should be reserved until kids are older imo. I've got friends with young children who are basically parenting alone at weekends whilst husbands go out to golf all day and then expect them to drag the children around for a week whilst they play golf everyday on a 'family' holiday. Ridiculous!
But you are enabling him so it's your choice too.
Also an entire Saturday full of lessons for your 5 year old is way over the top, I feel sorry for her!

He is being ridiculous! He is not a child! He is running for himself. Your main priority is your children! My husband has told me in the past that he wanted to enter a half marathon. I told him straight away that we wouldn't go and watch him (with two very little ones) so best to enter with a mate and do it for himself. I honestly don't know why you didn't just stay at home instead of dragging them out (after one pooping and the other being sick) just to see daddy finish his run?!

How rude of you to not look after your children better, and be a better mother, and a better wife, making sure you were all there to see your DH puff his chest out and soar across the finish line. Your poor poor iccle hubster! He deserves better than you.

I am kidding obvs!

Agree with the posters here; what a little pampered princess your husband sounds, along with sulky, whiny, needy, and very immature. Sounds VERY much like he thinks everything in his life is much more difficult and challenging and important than anything in yours, and that your job as a mother and homemaker is a non-job, and you probably sit watching TV all day. (I am assuming you are a SAHM, apologies if this is not the case, and if it isn't that makes this even worse!)

What an arse. I would be really really fucked off about this. Like many posters have said, I would lose my shit too, but when I was a lot younger, I did put up with a lot more bad treatment from people, and didn't stick up for myself. I do now I am in my 50's. Learn to not take this shit, and tell people to fuck off a lot sooner than I did!!!

for you.

Wow ! He really has done a number on you OP hasn't he. Of course he doesn't want to go to Relate , as far as he is concerned there is no issue as long as you keep toeing the line.

OP were you scared of how he would react if you had taken the children home after they had soiled themselves? Is that why you didn't do it?

Urgh what a prick. He’d be sorting his own childcare for every race and daily jog from now on. No way would I be supporting such arrogance.

@MarvinMarvinson

*Whaaaat mrsm43s???

Why should op have to spend her weekends being super organised to ensure she is at the finish line for her husband? He was there too and also their parent, does he share any responsibility in ensuring they have everything they possibly need?

Where was his concern for his kids?

Me and dh both run. Neither of us would ever expect the other to drag the kids round as some sort of ego boosting cheer squad. Both of us would have been apologetic and concerned for the other in the situation the op was in.*

I know nothing about running.

I think that if OP doesn't want to go to watch/cheer that is absolutely fine.

However, if she has agreed that she will, then its reasonable to expect her to do so. If they've agreed between them that she has responsibility for the children whilst he is running, then that responsibility includes being organised and planning and prepping appropriately (as it would for her DH if it was him that was being parent in charge)

I'm sure I'm absolutely projecting my own frustration with my DH here, but I get so fed up of being endlessly let down because he forgot to charge his phone, fill the car up with petrol, pack necessary equipment, check train times, arrange child care, make a booking etc etc.

I could write AIBUs, which made it sound out of context that I was unreasonable, but actually the reality is that I am let down over and over again by a disorganised man-child.

If I had agreed with DH for him to be in a certain place at a certain time, I would be disappointed if he failed to show for reasons that were entirely preventable. I'm not sure that this is the situation in this case to be honest, but I can assure you, that if it was my husband writing the OP then it would be. Just touched a raw nerve for me, and I think I was trying to show the other side of the story.

Sorry to derail, OP.

Firstly don't walk on eggshells. If he outbursts calmly ask him to leave or walk out yourself with the kids. It's a form of control even if he doesn't realise it. And for the love of God unless dd has adhd she does not need to do that many activities

he’s a bit of a “tiger mom” in that DD#1 has 4 activities on Saturday (ballet, tap, swimming, dancing)

Woah hang on, what???

If he really was loving and caring 'unconditionally' he wouldn't make his kids hang around at the finish line of his races. I don't. I acknowledge its boring and shit for them. Does your 5 year old even want those activities on a Saturday or is that all about him too?

Well this is an excellent opportunity to redress the balance here. 25 runs a year is one a fortnight plus all the training. I would be saying the number of races gets cut down and you and the kids are not going. Plus you get some opportunities to have mornings/afternoons off for whatever you want to do. Just because running = exercise and thus good for you is not a green card to do it at the expense of your family and expect constant plaudits.

I would be telling him that his attitude towards you is killing your marriage and he needs to have a good hard think about his priorities.

Also I think your daughter is doing way too much on a Saturday. Is she at school yet? My eldest was knackered from a full weeks learning so more than one activity seems bonkers. Sounds like he feels all leisure time ness to be taken up with structured activities where you can point to “success”. Which to me is miserable.

Seize the moment OP you have a chance to change your lives for the better.

From @Ellisandra:

Time to say “this is utterly rubbish for the children, and for me - and now I can see our efforts aren’t even appreciated. So that’s the last time. We’re not going again. No - shut up about the ONE time you watched me. No - shut up about family time - if you care about family time you’d run less. So - that’s it, we’re not coming again. If you can’t control your behaviour when you’re nervous before, I will leave you and take the children out of that shitty atmosphere. When you have finished a race, you are to eat before you come home - again, I will divorce you if you bring your shitty attitude home to damage my children”.

Yes! You’ve done your bit OP. Time to reset the ground rules. I also think you should be furious about this weekend.

Leave the kids at home next time and give him some support.

What a self absorbed twat.

No YANBU and I wouldn't be going to any more. It's only a half marathon anyway.

If you're walking on eggshells like this all the time OP and he is having 'outbursts' where he tries to make you feel like shit on his shoe every time he doesn't get his own way or your full attention, then that is abusive behaviour in his part. You have no right to reply and he is stonewalling you, if every time you try to discuss or explain he plays the victim, ignores you or calls you selfish when you very clearly aren't.

The things you describe that he does for the children are just the things he should do, nothing more and he sounds like a pathetic abusive waste of time. I suspect what you 'need' is a break from having to put up with this awful set up which must leave you feeling endlessly frustrated and ignored. It's not how normal adults behave OP, it's not 'just the way he is' - he's controlling and manipulative and has no interest in changing or your feelings. If he did, he'd apologise, and ask to commence therapy. But why would he need to when he gets away with it, and can use manipulation, guilt and the threat of a tantrum so successfully on you.

Make time to see a therapist yourself OP, it might open your eyes to how unhealthy this is for you. You don't need his permission, or him to join you to seek guidance on these issues.