To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

You've been taking two very young kids, over and over and over, to support his hobby, even though that means sacrificing your own free time to do so? It's bloody hard work, wrangling children that age alone in that sort of setting. And far from being grateful, he's petulant and angry that on ONE occasion, your children's needs got in the way?

He's being a fuckwit. Absolute selfish twat. I do very much hope this is in isolation and not indicative of his usual behaviour, because the levels of selfishness are extraordinary. He owes you massive thanks for the effort, and he's also being bloody unfair on the kids- as you say, hanging around in cold, entertainmentless venues is no fun for them at all. Why are his wants more important than their needs?

Honestly, not interested? Why the fuck should you be interested in watching him do marathons? And how on earth can kids that small be interested in it? He's being idiotic. Wah, wah, wah he wanted Mummy to pat him on the head before going for a pizza - how old is he?!

You've the patience of a saint. And if he's like this in most contexts, then patience is no longer the right word.

I really hope you tell him that this is the last straw, that this is the last time you're dragging a 2 year old and a 5 year old out in the cold for a half marathon.

My god, far from being unreasonable, how can you bear to be around such an overgrown, spoilt brat? Sorry but I am literally speechless a this adult's behaviour.

Has he always been such a dick?

YANBU

DH has run 2 marathons - fortunately they ran past our flat so I just had to nip down with the DC and their home made flags and watch for about 20 minutes then we went back home.

When he's done trails elsewhere I haven't gone with the DC and he hasn't asked me to - not fun for them or me!

How much time does his running take up? Cos I asked DH not to do a 3rd marathon because I was fed up of him getting loads of time off looking after the DC to train (when he also works very long hours) and there was none left for me (he also trained for his 3rd dan black belt since we've had DC so I'm not totally mean, I just drew the line).

Well now I just feel crap. He’s not always like this, just when something goes wrong and stresses him out. He’s always tired and hungry after a long race and the hunger makes him super grouchy.

I did a race last year too and he was there with the kids supporting. He always cites this example as why I should always support him, and how he would do anything to be there to support me, no matter what. But it was only a 10K and round our home town, 5 minutes walk back home and with plenty to entertain the kids. Not really comparable to some of the longer, more remote races he’s done.

The races really wipe our weekend out. He’s stressed beforehand because he’s nervous, then worn out afterwards.

One of the race events last year was two days long. It’s such a nightmare trying to keep the girls occupied while out somewhere unfamiliar that rarely has provision for children. The best we normally manage is a public play area, though we have been known to go to MacDonald’s!

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity.

He needs to get over himself.

How much time do you get to yourself?

Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted

He clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word "depressed" . What a child he is, sulking because he didn't get to go out for pizza!

What did he expect you to do? Not clean up your poor children? Would he have preferred to be met at the finish line by two distressed children plastered in their own shit and vomit? You can't be in two places at once. It's not like you were off enjoying yourself!

Was there any acknowledgement from him whatsoever that this situation was actually really bloody stressful for you and for the DC? His reaction was disgusting. My DH would have been apologising to me for not being there to help and asking if we were all ok, not threatening to go home and leave me stranded in a strange town!

I'm sorry your DH is such a twat OP

I'd take this opportunity to lay a few new ground rules, while it's all still fresh in both your minds.

Either he now gives up 'competitive' running (which I'm sure is how he sees it), or he gets to do it all on his own like a big boy, while you and the children do whatever you want to do on race days.
Or he comes along to support and cheer you on doing something you want. He then has sole charge of HIS children while you're doing it.

I spent years on the sidelines of football and rugby pitches in all weathers watching my husband's amature teams, but if ever I did anything he wouldn't want to know.

I'm a runner. Have run several halfs- wouldn't want my family hanging around waiting for me at the finish as it's unfair on them.

He's very selfish and childish. When his next race comes up, tell him that in light of his previous behaviour you will no longer be attending.

Yanbu at all, what a total utter knob. What a selfish dick.

Ltb.

YABU for being hurt. You should absolutely livid about his behaviour. How dare he!

Who's been doing all the childcare while he's been training? You I expect. And I bet he's one of those runners who drones on and on about where they ran, how far, how long, PBs etc etc ad nauseum.

What does he do for you?

He's a selfish tool.

That would be the last time I was taking such young dc to 'support' him. He'd now be waiting until they were old enough to attend by themselves if they wanted to.

Clearly you had a terrible day and everyone that has spent a day juggling miserable, dirty children will understand how hurt and angry you are right now. I'm guessing that he was potentially also very worried when you weren't there at the finish. I wonder why he had to phone and find out where you were - did you send a message so that he knew you were safe but having a poo/sick crisis?

I hope you are both able to have a rational conversation about how it could have gone better, when you are both feeling calmer about things.

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity.

Well, he has given you the pefect opportunity to redress that balance, hasn't he?

Sit your man child down and talk him thoguh the realitis of his present prosition. How he gets to do his training and his races becasue he is leaving he parenting to you, is having his cake and eating. Ask him to piont at any block of time that you could take just for yourself... just one...

I can't believe he insists that you drag 2 small kids away from home to sit round aimlessly waiting to give him his ego boost - or that you agree to do it!!

OP-Please trust the majority of posters. He is a poor excuse for a DH and father. The fact that he was "not interested" in what happened with you and your two DDs says it all.

Well you could just start a hobby. You know. Just say, I won’t be in on Sunday morning because I’m taking up rowing.
Don’t ask, just do it.
Oh and go to some of his races but not all of them.

God, he sounds like my Dad when I was a child. Totally self-centered and actually incapable of looking after anyone's needs other than their own. My poor Mum went through this with 3 kids, football matches, squash matches, tennis, cycling (out all day for miles, she was just left at home with us. No car.
Yanbu. Sounds like an awful day for you. Young kids HATE that sort of waiting around. So do I! 😂😂
Take them somewhere else and ask him to buy a headcam so he can film himself and bask in the glory. 🙄

Ah, so you have THREE children! He's depressed you didn't go out for pizza after his sports day? Diddums. Buy him a Kinder egg and kiss the boo-boo better.

He has a massive ego doesn't he? I wouldn't be struggling with 2 small children for hours while he enjoyed his hobby, just to see him cross the finish line
What fun is that for you or the children? I wouldn't do it and she wouldn't expect it. Do you feel able to explain that it's a struggle for you and boring for the children, so you won't be doing that again? Because that's what you need to do

Your husband is exceptionally selfish and self absorbed.
Not only would I not be dragging around the kids to support him, I would find my own hobby to do 50% of the available time at weekends.,

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own. When we’re not doing a race day out, he expects us to be together as a family and do a family activity.

You already know the answers here, OP.

He's being totally and utterly selfish. No thought for you or the children at all. It's all about what makes him happy and his life pleasant. The rest of you he expects to facilitate, even the preschooler. Eyewatering.

So how old is this baby man? No way on God's Earth would I be taking the dc out in the cold to watch their idiot father run, when they could be safe, warm and happy in the warm at home. It was freezing here yesterday with hailstones and icy wind. Just stop this nonsense now.

What a knobber!

Tell him to grow up and that my dh manages to go to all his races on his own, no involvement required from the rest of us. I certainly wouldn't to,eratethat kind of behaviour if I'd just geencleaning up sick and poop from HIS children.

OP there are loads of issues here

Why are you agreeing to this stuff? Why are you letting his wants dictate entire weekends let alone his thinking of is acceptable to be stressed before and angry afterwards if he doesn’t get the adoration

It’s actually pathetic and selfish and really bordering on abusive behaviour

I’d be quite worried about the state of my marriage

Let alone being a shit husband what kind of father expects his kids to hang around for hours cold and bored just to feed his ego? Because that is exactly what is happening.