To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

He’s always tired and hungry after a long race and the hunger makes him super grouchy

It sounds like you're describing a 4 year old! He's a grown man. As a fully functioning adult he is perfectly capable of coping with tiredness and hunger without mistreating his family. I'm guessing when you're tired and hungry you don't treat him the way he treated you over this marathon business? Of course not, because it's a choice.

I'm sorry the responses have made you feel crap. They must be hard to read but it is important for you to know that the way you were treated was unacceptable and you don't have to put up with it. You sound lovely and supportive and he should be thanking his lucky stars not sulking over pizza like a toddler.

Ridiculous. My dh has done some half marathons and marathons. The dc and I have watched a few when they were easy to access from our home but no longer go to any as it's too difficult with the dc (who are 4 and 8 and would rather do almost anything other than watch another half marathon). We don't give up our weekends so he can do the races - the dc always have something on and none of us are interested in making our way through crowds for a 5 second moment at the finish line - and he doesn't ask us to. I also regularly get time alone at weekends to do activities I enjoy. Running is his hobby, but that does not mean that watching him run has to be yours.

YANBU at all. He's being a child.

I would say to him that you're no longer going to go to his races with the children because it's too difficult and it leaves him disappointed and causes arguments. Then take up a hobby of your own and tell him it's his turn to spend all of his free time ferrying the kids about boring places while you enjoy yourself.

He’s incredibly selfish. If he wants to do these runs, he can go by himself in future.

You need to make time for yourself.

Leaving aside the biggies (death/abuse/etc), this is one of the shittiest things I've read on MN. I am completely hopeless at conflict and wouldn't have 'lost my shit' with him or anything even resembling it. I'd probably have ended up apologising to him . But he is so very, very much in the wrong here. My XH is unspeakable, but even he wouldn't have behaved like this. for you and your girls.

You were dealing with shit and sick, you were stressed out.
He was doing his hobby, any stress he had was self induced and therefore takes a backseat to yours.
You minimising his utterly selfish behaviour is quite depressing.

You know, if he ran 25 races last year, and trained for them, then you've been providing all the childcare for that already. A lot of people would be angry and hurt and frustrated by that alone - it's a massive commitment, when you have such small children. But he actually expects you to bring them along, every time, too?

Honestly gobsmacked by this. Was he always this much of a prima donna, and it only started to be a problem when the kids came along? I've known marriages like that - when one party, usually the man, expects the same attention and time as he had before the kids arrived. But this is on such a huge scale.

You must know how rare this level of unanimity is on MN. It's bloody horrible, what he's doing to you. I'm raging for you, and even more for your poor children. One in four of their weekends last year was taken up by this crap? Seriously?

Well now I just feel crap. He’s not always like this, just when something goes wrong and stresses him out. He’s always tired and hungry after a long race and the hunger makes him super grouchy.

Is he 5? He's a fucking adult. A selfish, melodramatic, mean-spirited twat, too. What kind of grown person with two young kids expects them to be his fucking cheerleaders on his ickle runs. Arsehole! And a controlling cunt, too, you don't get any time off for hobbies because he's the big I Am.

What a fucking have! Walking round on eggshells because he cannot control himself around his self-centred hobby.

FUCK that. I'd lose my shit. 'Sick of living like this. Our lives are no longer going to centre round your hobby. I'm fucking furious at how you treated us when you have two young kids and they had accidents, you acted like a spoilt brat. I'm done with this shit! We're not your fucking default cheerleaders. I'm sick of your moods round this, too. Grow up!'

That's the last time I'd be putting myself out for his fucking races.

He's got to have the spotlight on him, doesn't he?
YANBU, he isn't your third child, you don't have to support him at his numerous sporting events! It's just a half marathon anyway, he isn't setting any record and I am sure they were plenty of people cheering at arrival.

If my kids were covered in shit and vomit I’d have taken them home immediately and left DH to get the bus. And he’d have been understanding about it too. Because he’s a grown up who actually cares about our DC’s wellbeing.

Needless to say I don’t get any days off to myself for hobbies of my own
He needs to give up half of his days off so you can have some free time. 25 races a year is every other weekend, which is utterly ridiculous. Selfish twunt.

Good god. Is he 6?

My dh would have been running home with radio silence after that little tantrum alone! Your subsequent replies make it clear your h is incredibly selfish - your children are young, don't tie yourself to either being his cheerleaders, or his "whipping boy" when he throws his toys out the pram over nothing.

On the face of it, it seems like he is being unreasonable.

However, as someone married to a colossally disorganised DH, I can get quite frustrated by the amount of times I'm let down because he always fails to plan, or think about what might happen and make preparations.

If it was my DH in your situation, I would be cross, because it would be yet another time I'd been let down. Packing spare clothes for a 2 year old is basic, as is leaving enough time for a change and a wash before being at the finish line. Because my DH never, ever plans and always leaves things to the last minute, I would blame him, because I know that it was his lack of planning and foresight that had led it to happen. Because it happens to him (and only him) time and time again. He fails to see that his lack of planning/lack of time manangement/lack of contingency is why he's always letting people down.

If however, you are normally organised, punctual and on top of things, and this was a one off blip, an extreme situation, then yes, he's being a total arse.

He doesn't even see his own kids are people, but as convenient widgets there to bolster his ego. Not a jot of concern that his kid had been sick. Not a jot of concern for their needs at the weekend. Just all me, me, me.

How do you think he would react if you said to him that you and the DC are not coming to any more races, because they are boring for the children? He really needs puting in his place - if he wants to pursue his hobby, that's one thing, but you and the DC don't have to make it the focus of your lives.
The only concession I would make is - some races I think have stuff like food stalls and a bouncy castle or two or other entertainment for families and spectators so you could make take the kids if it's that sort of set up but not otherwise.

Well now I just feel crap.

What do you mean by this OP? I'm guessing you weren't expecting these responses. What were you expecting?

Runners are obsessive people. I work with a runner. It's literally her only interest outside of work. Her whole life revolves around running and training and prepping. Another friends marriage essentially broke up because of her husband's running.

He sounds like a right arse. Stop pandering. Let him go in his own.

Can I clarify, do you and DC attend every race? Trailing young kids round the country every weekend? That's absurd, when do you get to choose what to do at the weekend? Tell him to fuck off to his races and you'll see him when he gets back. What a ridiculous arrogant man.

@mrsm43s it's fairly clear that this man is a self-obsessed wankstain purely because he expects and demands that his wife and young children dedicate half their weekends to watching him run about, despite the fact that standing around in a freezing cold park is of no benefit to them.

Spoilt little bastard. Thst would be the last race I went to.

He's an over entitled selfish thoughtless knobhth

Packing spare clothes for a 2 year old is basic

Why is that the OP's responsibility rather than their father's?

He’s not always like this, just when something goes wrong and stresses him out. He’s always tired and hungry after a long race and the hunger makes him super grouchy.

but he was still sulking about it the following day, being all so depressed and everything.

Bullshit is what it is, designed to make you feel guilty about your perfectly correct instinct to attend to your children's needs, and to make sure that he was placed firmly back in position number one.

25 races in a year is every other weekend

how long does he spend training on top? I bet its nearly all the free time, and you have to hold fort, when you are not being cheerleader.

and any time he is not training, he wants you all again to follow his tune of 'family days'

Does he EVER do the childminding 100% by himself, with you not there? Has he ever?

Oh my goodness poor you, that poo situation is a bad one. YANBU.

Yep, you've got issues here. As the kids get bugger, it'll evolve into a massive power struggle with you stuck in the middle.

Really need to change this dynamic now. Had a boss who had her weekends controlled like this, it did not end well.