To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

One day your children will ask you why you let their father abuse them and did nothing,OP. There are refuges you can take them to. There are lawyers,Women's aid and there's the police they're always open 24/7! I wouldn't sleep with that on my conscience-you have the choice to stay your girls don't

OP, I think you're staying in this thread for a reason and it's not only to vent. I think you want and need to hear he's 100% bastard because he has you brainwashed with his basic-level "good" gestures (he parents at nursery! He food shops!) to believe he's only 30% bastard, but you have this niggling doubt that maaaaybe that 30% isn't quite right. You need us to gradually undo the years of normalisation.

You know what my DP does when I have a headache? Arrives home from his two-hour commute, checks what I want to eat, goes to the shop, cooks and washes up, then draws me a bath or fetches me medicine or whatever it takes to make me be OK. He doesn't make me play Ready, Steady Cook while being physically violent.

I'm not going to berate you about the violence to your daughter because I think you know, I think that's why you're still posting, and I think you need a LOT of gradual convincing to break through this worldview he's got you in.

Just remember the “not interested” and quote it next time he wants you drag your poor children out to watch him have fun, repeat as necessary. Next time he is out having fun, take your children somewhere interesting for them.

OK, sorry OP, but am joining in here.

I did a level 2 safegaurding and it took that to make me see that my home was not a safe place for my DC. I left. Immediately. With nothing more than I could fit in my car. For her safety and well being.

You know as well as I did that 30% of bad means 99% of walking on eggshells waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It means raising your children that this is normal and what they should aspire to in adult relationships.

If someone raises concerns for your family, you will potentially be considered as having "failure to protect" and the consequences can be very serious. You need to get some help, now. For you and for your children. Please.

I will never forget a saying from a very inspirational speaker I listened to years ago:

SEE IT. DO NOTHING. CONDONE IT.

That is what you have just done by letting him get away with hitting your child.

Your child can’t stand up for herself. That is what YOU are meant to do for her

Despicable that you are letting this happen

Put your children before this vile man and GET OUT!

Seriously? He is an abusive cunt to your child but you're just going to have a moan?

Your child deserved far far better.

I remember many years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest, debating with a friend over smacking. I was "smacked" (i.e. hit) by my father as a child and it screwed me up my whole life. I am vehemently against it, and think it should be a criminal offence. My friend was insisting that one day I would smack my child. She described the situation you've just described as the trigger point. "One day" she said "your child will be arsing around in front of the TV, making noise while you're trying to watch something, being a little shit, and you'll smack them." I was so shocked that her bar for what she thought wold push me to hit my child was so low. I couldn't get my head at all around the idea that she thought I would hit my child before turning the TV off and tending to them. That conversation was the death blow to our friendship - I just couldn't like or respect anyone who thought like that. And you're living it OP. And then telling your kid it's all better because he said sorry? Seriously, seek help irl. Please.

You can talk to Woman’s Aid anytime:

www.womensaid.org.uk

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/domestic-abuse/#inpage-nav__list

Are you married?

You call him dh in the op but 'partner' in your most recent post.

Just so that you know for the future...when your children tell school how daddy is at home (which they will even when told not to) you will be a safeguarding concern and SS will be called. That’s where this is going.

Do you know what i moan about when I moan about my DH? That when he does laundry at weekends, he doesn't always fold it straight away. He sometimes leaves clutter everywhere he goes. Sometimes, he gets the dcs giggling and being silly at bedtime. The way he chews gum makes me crazy. These are the things that I have to moan about, OP...because outside of some annoying behaviours, he is 100% a good, kind man, all of the time, and if he wasn't, I certainly wouldn't be with him.
Come on OP...you are allowing yourself, and your girls to be treated this way.

I agree with a pp that he needs to get over himself. Being disappointed is one thing but punishing you, being unpleasant and then sulking the next day as well, omg, I'd kill him!

Who looked after the kids while he trained?

I’ve followed this thread from the start and not convinced this isn’t a troll, but..

Just FYI OP, your DDs can tell someone about all this. A teacher, a TA, a parent helper who reads with children. Children will read a page of a book where a mosquito gets swatted and will say ‘oh my dad hits my mum, no big deal.’ They won’t think they’re tattling, it’s just conversation, but it gets reported. I have several friends in this position. It gets reported.

Step up for your kids.

Clipping your child round the ear is abuse pure and simple and should not be tolerated at all. If she is riding the scooter round the living room when she has been told not to then take it away from her but hitting her is totally unacceptable. He should be reported for that.

Showing off for the world at large by going to a nursery stay and play is not kind and generous if he comes back, plonks himself in front of the tv, lets his wife who is unwell cook the dinner out of shopping he has ordered without any menu plan etc and unwilling to help his daughter get ready for bed or sort out a snack for them.

I too, am not sure why you are so tolerant of this unless you are frightened of him which suggests he can become very violent and abusive if crossed.

My response would be turn the tv off and tell him to get his behind off the couch and sort the children out or cook dinner. Or sort the children and you out with a meal and tell him to cook his own. He sounds lazy, selfish and controlling.

My husband cooked me a nice spaghetti bolognese this evening.
It was only 30% faeces, so not too bad! When he literally gives me a shit on a plate and no attempt to mix it with food, then I'll leave.

30% is too much op. My dad was probably about 20%. As a pp said that meant I was nervous and scared 100% of the time.

He clipped her round the head?

What the actual fuck.

Oh dear lord

I hope you are some sort of strange troll.

Sorry op but you lost me there.

Now not only is he a prick, but now you're failing them too. You are allowing them to live with a man who is violent. You need to step up and be a parent and protect them.

When you say he was kind and sympathetic about your headache, what do you mean?

It sounds like he said a few well chosen nice words, and then sat on his arse.

That is not kind nor sympathetic. Actions speak louder than words. Kindness in this scenario (and what my dh would have done), is that he would have packed me off to bed, and then done everything that needed doing himself. He would have asked if I wanted dinner, and brought it up if yes.

My DH is not a 'natural' in parenting (no siblings/cousins) but tries bloody hard.
He moans at our kids but when they are being a pain/not going to bed/fighting with one another.
He has never ever hit them. He has never made them scared of him.
He does not go to school consultations (as he is usually working) but I do.
On weekends we do things all together, so we can all enjoy one another's company.

He drives me mad sometimes- like not knowing where the laundry basket is- but minor stuff.
This is normalish life.
Your H is not behaving normally. He is an abuser and was probably very subtle about it in the beginning but does not give a stuff now. He has trained you well to accept his shitty behaviour.

OP - You poor thing. This is an appalling and horrific way to live. Please consider starting a new thread on the relationships board where there is a community of women who can help and support you with every small step. Here on AIBU you will get masses of straight talking and outrage at your husband's behaviour, which is wholly appropriate but probably terrifying to read.

A book that is often recommended is "Why does he do that? Understanding angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Try to get a copy or download it to your phone.

Get over to Relationships board, ask for help, and read other women's threads.

As others have said... DO NOT SHOW YOUR HUSBAND THIS THREAD. Keep acting as 'normally' as possible for now while you adjust to the shock of being told you are in a deeply abusive relationship.

Leaving an abusive relationship like this is difficult and dangerous. Please get over to the relationship board.

Take care of yourself

You must be super scared of him not to give him a death stare, with the expectation strawberries will be picked up.

I'd also take myself off to bed, not make food, after feeding the kids something simple.

you are responsible for those kids.