To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

I feel sorry for you

Wow this man even hits your children and yours say he's only 30% bad really! Plus he has to control his food shopping and everyone must be quiet when watching his programmes. You've got yourself a catch there. If that's the kind of man you want to raise your children and make mummy unhappy then good luck your going to need it!

Hi OP, so glad you came back.

I think you may possibly get a big reaction now that he clipped her round the head, nevermind all the other stuff tonight.

I’m hoping I can get in with my post quick enough to say again that for now:

• stop going to the runs
• cut back the Saturday activities
• keep posting

You will get up the nerve to do what you need to do for yourself and your girls, I know you will, but I think it’s going to take time for you to fully realise the severity of your problem. I fear that clip round the ear is a very bad sign of things to come.

He hit your DD round the head?!!!

FFS what does this man have to do for you to see what an abusive twat he is?

Seriously OP, did you grow up in an abusive household? I am wondering how you can see any of this as remotely normal.

Is this clip round the ear a new thing, or has he always felt entitled to hit the kids? And how about you, have you had any slaps, pushes, etc?

A very important thing to remember about abusive men is that they are not abusive all the time. Just enough of the time to ensure that you are mostly obedient, because you're scared of being hurt again...

He hits his kids. He's abusive. But it's only 30% of the time so that's okay then because it's too hard to leave than remove your kids from this abusive cunt, instead you just want to whinge about it all.

Jesus - he hit her around the head?!? That’s not normal behaviour- why on earth are you defending this man?
It’s also not helpful to order a random selection of ingredients from Tesco and leave you to try and make meals from them - but this pales into insignificance compared to all the other stuff.

So his contribution to his dc today was playing df of the year to the teachers and then he clocked off?
While you manage the rest?!
When I have a headache it's bed and dh does 100% of the day.
And we have 6 dc.

Sorry but as a child of a man like this, who only got worse, I’m not going to tiptoe around it. You want to use this post to moan and tell us disturbing stuff but have no intention of leaving and keeping your children safe. I have no time for threads like this. Get out. Now.

OP that's appalling.

I know you don't want to hear it but he's incredibly abusive. The stuff you describe as good, kind and generous is just baseline normal. It's nothing you wouldn't do yourself is it? And you don't then flip into an abusive mood.

I read a good way of looking at it on here - how much abuse in a relationship is acceptable? How much shit would you accept in a cup of tea? You wouldn't accept a cup of tea that was 30% shit would you?

doesnt really matter if its 10 percent of the time u dont hit anyone round the head-ever

theres no point just posting how bad this man is the only advice youre going to get is to leave-is the house in joint names/just his/just yours?

your children dont need to be abused by this thug

hes also controlling you witht he shopping-why is he ordering it when hdoesnt cook-at the very least u can order stuff together

Holy fuckballs

He is not kind and generous. He’s a nasty, lazy, selfish, controlling wankbag

He HIT your daughter??? And he’s only 30% bad???

HE HIT YOUR CHILD. AROUND THE HEAD.

You are now complicit.

I feel so angry, so angry for your children who you are failing.

Why are you telling us this? Why are you doing this? Nothing ‘good’ he has done can make up for the bad.

I... just can’t. Just can’t even understand how you can, cool as a cucumber, write what you did.

Oh great, so now you are failing to safeguard your child from physical violence. What will it take to see the big picture, OP?

I tried to report your thread OP but I cannot work out how to do this on mobile settings. I am struggling to believe that you genuinely have so little insight into the need to protect your dc.

Partner had also left early to go to nursery for a stay and play afternoon. See, this is something kind and loving and generous.

^^

I find it so sad OP is holding this perfectly ordinary and to be expected bit of behaviour as evidence of how good the husband can be. Held against hitting the kid around the head

I know it’s triggering to read but step away if you have to and report.

Far better that than berate an abused and controlled woman who is the only hope her children have to a path to safety. Don’t be a part of scaring her off, it won’t help anyone.

dreichuplands you report the opening post on the thread using the 3 dots on the right hand side.

This thread is weird.

I'm struggling to get past he hit your 5yr old DD....and you are not horrified which suggests this is not the first time.

What a life some people lead. It's eye opening. Your poor girls.

30% bad is bad. No child will remember the 70% (possibly spent walking in eggshells not to trigger the 30%). And participating in a reading afternoon at nursery is show-off parenting for the outside world in his case, and doesn’t somehow offset the refusal to pick up some strawberries and put on some PJs. Or slap his child. Please get some help IRL.

You're so passive OP. Why?

Waiting for boss-man to offer to cook, instead of asking him - or telling him - to do it tonight.

Why is he watching TV instead of looking after the children? Why can't his TV wait until they're in bed? At least, he could watch CBeebies with them and supervise them.

HIs 'helpful' shopping is at toddler standards of 'helpfulness', i.e. not. It's an empty gesture, done purely so he can claim he is being helpful. While making no effort at all - and actually creating work for you. Keeping you busy, at his beck and call, again.

Why don't you tell him either he does it properly, or not at all? Either way, he cooks some of the dinners.

Start saying NO.

You sound very calm about your DH hitting your child around the head, so I assume this isn't the first time it's happened. Many of the children I work with have grown up a Father like your DH...Mummy puts up with the hitting, the shouting, the unreasonable demands, the insults because Daddy's nice "most of the time". Until he isn't. It will get worse, OP. It always does.

Your children don't have a choice about whether to remain in this abusive environment. They are completely dependent on you to protect them. Every time your DH your daughter and you don't leave, she is getting the message that she doesn't matter, that she doesn't have the right to feel safe, that it must somehow be her fault. It doesn't matter that he says "sorry", the damage is already done by then.

You need to protect your children.