To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

Where to start. It goes without saying that your DH is selfish and lazy and disinterested in his children. Any man who can work full time, spend half his weekends training or running marathons, organises a day full of activities for his DD so he does not have to spend time with her and is on his phone when he should be watching the kids while you cook dinner or vice versa is a poor example of a Dad. Your poor 5 year old though, at school all week, activities all Saturday and on a day when she might like to chill out is dragged out in the cold to watch her dad cross a finish line. Sounds boring for her let alone the 2 year old and miserable for you too.

The anger management, poor language and temper tantrums and lack of effort being put into your relationship plus the controlling behaviour about not letting you clear the house is totally unacceptable. Much as I appreciate you do not want to rock the boat and are treading on eggshells around him this is a totally dysfunctional relationship with him doing the taking and you doing all the giving. Unhealthy for your girls to grow up in that atmosphere let alone the Whats app arguments to try and shield them from it. I would start by taking control and much like with kids set boundaries for him. Cull the clutter, by charity shopping it or selling it on ebay. Refuse to do all these marathons in future. Maybe the odd one if near home and lots for the kids and they and you are happy to go. Make him spend some time looking after his daughters. If he moans just don't engage. Ultimately if he carries on like this though you may have to accept that a break up may be the best for you and your girls. For goodness sake don't have any more kids with him. He has not grown up himself yet.

Aw! Was nobody dare to cwap the Pwincess for putting one foot infwunt of de over? Poor diddums.

Seriously, he is a narcissistic man-child and his expectation that, not just you, but his young children exist solely to prop up his galactic sized ego is both repulsive and worrying.

This man will not change, narcissists generally can’t so you have to decide if you can live the rest of your life treading on eggshells and corralling your children so’s not to arouse his wrath. Is that really the life you want for you and your girls?

He really is as a pp said a selfish tool. I would explain to him that when you finally get fed of running round him, making the entire families schedule fit round his wants and desires and ensuring that he doesn't flip out at you he will end have sole care of dc every other weekend and will finally have to put them first.
If you think staying with him is worthwhile I would get much better, very quickly about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them. I would also make sure you have time for yourself in the week, the same as he does.

OP, I know you don't want to hear this, but honestly, this is not a loving relationship to model for your girls. He is awful to you...and I can promise that really, genuinely good guys would not behave this way.
Do you really want to spend your life walking on eggshells, knowing that there will be another blow out? You really want your girls to learn to be good and quiet so as not to upset Daddy (which will carry over into their adult lives, I promise you)?
Please, OP...have a really good think about what benefit you really get out of this relationship, and think about the possible impact on your lovely daughters.

op I missed your last update, your dc deserve better than this even if you are prepared to suck it up. What are you teaching them about how they should expect to be treated when they are grown up? Would you want this to be their norm?

Hope you're ok OP and manage to have a peaceful night.

My dh did a half marathon. I went to watch him with ds.

We left him at the start to wait further down the road as it was really busy and we wanted to be able to spot him and wave.

We happened to find ourselves outside a cafe. So we went in and ordered 3 large breakfasts. We patiently waited outside for dh to run past. The cafe owner called us in to say breakfast was ready. We went into eat it and missed dh running past.

Thought we had better be there for the finish. Had time to kill and did a bit of shopping. Lost track of time and then ds needed a wee and we ended up missing the finish too.

Dh was a little bit put out but he got over it.

I'm sure your dh is proud of himself and was disappointed that we were not there. However, your circumstances dictated that it was impossible for you to do that. You did bloody well to cope with that

Unconditional love...

This means understanding no one saw your triumphant finish of a race because one of your children is covered in shit and the other covered in puke.

It means putting their needs before yours.

Your OH clearly demonstrates very VERY conditional love, when it suits him, when it doesn't compete with his needs or desires, in neatly allotted time slots, that suit him entirely.

He is teaching your children that daddies needs are most important, man comes first, mans feelings and desire are more important than even a childs basic requirements.

My first ever LTB i think!

Absolutely agree with what Ellisandra said. Time to "pull your big girl pants" up OP and protect both yourself and your very young children from this selfish, controlling, unappreciative person and that includes reducing your 5yo's schedule, poor thing.

Also your comments but it’s just walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering a flip out. - that's really red flag category. You should definitely not have to cope with this on top of everything else. Do please reconsider having any further children with him until he properly grows up/forever.

I couldn't live like this. And you shouldn't have to.

OP, do NOT show him this thread.

He'll just use it against you.

Just LTB.

I left my ex, he sounds very like yours. I left after 30 years, and 2 dcs, both of whom have mental health issues as a result of being with ex.

Don't be me, value yourself more and get out.

My life is so much better now.

Absolute stomping fuming door-slamming psychotic episode for that one!

I think you’re frightened of him OP. But if you’re scared, just think of how this performance must have made two tiny children feel. They must have been terrified. Please put a stop to this. You are being abused. Phone Women’s Aid.

Agree with @AlexaAmbidextra.

Sorry@OP but this is no way to live. This isn’t ‘family life’ at all.

It sounds an awful lot like my horrible ex. Not in every detail (he didn't like hobbies because it was a fixed appointment that stopped him having complete flexibility around his desires, was the opposite of a hoarder in that he threw away things we still needed) but in terms of having to he the centre of everything. And the raging and walking on egg shells, and completely about mess, shouting and swearing in front of kids etc.

So happy that I left him. O look back and there was so much fog. He stoll makes life difficult about contact and maintenance and the like but at least I don't have to live with him or pretend to love him!

So you have reconcilled and you don;t want to upset the balance for the rest of the week?Was that right what you wrote OP? Well way to go you!!! And they wonder why there are so many kids today with mental health issues....for putting and choosing this way of life for your girls you are as bad as he is....Good god when will people take responsibility? So the cycle begins for the next generation of fucked up kids.....keep going as you both are...hope you can live with yourself for the damage to those girls you both are causing......

Poor baby. Did u give him a nice warm bath and tuck him up in bed after his upsetting day? And,of course, you apologised? What an absolute infant, I cant imagine living with such a needy child man. Ugh.

Don't be too hard on the OP. It is really difficult to see it when you are in it and to fight someone like this

This isn't to say she shouldn't leave - she must! - but I don't think attacking her helps.

I agree that attacking OP isn't helpful, she seems to be a very unpleasant and damaging situation. Yes she should make changes but that is really hard if you are coming from a ground down place.

I would of replied OK see u at home.. Ignored phoneg and let him to get back without the tickets

Apologies for attacking OP ...I just think sometimes a shock jolts you into action...also the fact that strength needs to be gained somewhere,,,it often comes from anger I so hope she can find this and use it constructively.No one can change this situation but her....I wish I had a magic wand to help her and her children.....dreadful situation she is in....

Wow. He's a keeper. I could feel my resilience waning and panic rising just reading your OP. If DD has been in that state, DH would have been summoned to help straight after the race. YANBU at all.

He's a total fuckwit.
No way would I drag 2 little ones to see him in the first place, not much in it for them.
I did a half and DH and DD who was 6 at the time stayed home and made me a celebratory dinner.
Running is for the runners, it's not really a great spectator sport if you are trying to keep track of little ones in a crowd.
Poor you.

You took a grown man on a special birthday holiday, as a gift organised and provided by yourself, and he went psycho because there was no card?

Your five year old is learning obscenities from his temper?

He is demanding that they are his audience for a hobby that can be of no worth, interest or value to them at all?

OP. They get one childhood. This is theirs. Please, please think this through.

They are also having you model relationships to them. This is their idea of how a father and husband should behave. There are lovely men out there, you know. Ones who would no more behave this way than fly.

I send love, and please, please take on board what women here are saying. You deserve so much more, and so do your children.

Between the finish line stuff and the "tiger mom" stuff, it's clear that he views you and the kids as props to make himself look good and support his ego.

It's so upsetting to read all this and then hear you say "oh well, will wait for next time because I don't want to ruin this week". Unless something special is happening for you or the dc, this makes no sense. Why are you choosing to live like this?

He is a stroppy toddler in a mans body. A control freak who who wants to be in charge of everything but not accept responsibility for anything. He wants his family to be his idea of perfect however much extra work it creates for you. He is selfish. You need to woman up and tell him his future. If you don’t you will still be on here in 20 years time complaining of the same shit just in a different situation.