To be hurt to be told “not interested”?

[Bathalfcomplainer]

So DH ran the Bath Half marathon yesterday. I was supporting with the kids (2 and 5) and after watching the start, we traipsed around Bath battling crowds to get to a play area. The usual hassle but had a good time there, until DD#2 decided to poop herself. This is unusual - she’s 99% potty trained during the day. So I had no spare change of clothes! So we are in the pay toilets trying to clean up when DD#1 is sick over the pram (too much spinning on the roundabout).

Total panic. Both crying, both filthy, this toilet is filthy too but at least has a baby change table.

Finally manage to improvise a pair of trousers out of a coat (it’s freezing). Eldest refuses to move. Manage to drag her out and up the hill with the promise of letting her watch YouTube later (which I hate - this is my bribe of last resort).

We were on track to watch DH cross the finish line before all this, but now had no chance of making it across town in time. DH phones to ask where we are. He’s super fuming that we weren’t there to see him. I say I know, I’m sorry, please listen to why. But he hangs up and texts “not interested”, and then more about being “let down”, and “you have no respect”. He says “I’ll see you at home”.

(An empty threat as I had the park & ride tickets).

We eventually meet up about 40 minutes later after I’ve dragged two filthy screaming crying girls back across town. We agreed to just head home.

He later admits he was being unfair but doesn’t go so far as to apologise. Now, the next day, he tells me he’s feeling depressed about how we weren’t there for him and didn’t go out for pizza afterwards like he wanted.

By the way, for context, this is his 5th half marathon, and he did more than 25 races last year, and I nearly always have the kids while he does this. We always try to watch him at the finish and most of the time we make it, but the reality of kids aged 2 and 5 is that hanging around waiting in cold, entertainmentless race venues doesn’t always make this possible!!! And he’s always raging when I’m not there cheering.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt at this situation?

She’s only just seeing it! It’s a lot to absorb. Conditioning like this happens inch by inch over years and you can’t just snap out of it. Give her a chance and be supportive.

OP, if you're still reading – I'm sure you've got what we all think by now. And I agree we're probably piling on! But actually, the two things that helped me leave a right miserable bastard weren't "omg he's terrible"; they were both about framing things positively:

My mother simply said, "He doesn't sound very rewarding. Where's the part where you have any fun?"

And a friend said – after I went a bit nuts on the profuse thank yous for a minor favour – "You need to recalibrate your baseline for kindness."

They both kind of tripped a switch in my head where I started thinking about a future that was kind, and fun, and rewarding. I went and read every single Ask Polly column, and wrote a little stream-of-consciousness essay to myself, just madly typing in a Word doc, about what my ideal life looked like in 5 years: from work to home to big dreams and day to day life. What did a kind, fun, rewarding, fulfilling life look like? He wasn't in it. What does it look like to you?

My worry is that OP has gone and won't be back so she can be supported in this.

I don't think the op will have gone, gone.

If you come here to post in a little rant in the hope that someone else might have similar and you can eye roll at men; and then suddenly have hundreds of posted unanimously piling in to tell you your husband is an abusive arsehole and is fucking up your children; Well, that's a lot to take in.

I just hope the op saves the thread, and re reads and re reads it all, until she understands.

OP I hope that you are ok and PLEASE READ THIS.
You have described my father. My mum has spent 50 years pandering. She has helped to create a monster.
I am no contact with my father AND I DONT SEE MY MOTHER EITHER. She is too invested to open her eyes and see the pain that his nasty behaviour has caused. I can't tell her that she is in an abusive relationship. She has lost contact with me and half her grandchildren. She has got to this place through A LIFETIME OF CHOICES.

The pain that my brother & I have suffered. Please please read all the PPs. They are not exaggerating or jumping to conclusions. They have learnt through suffering.

He is a narcissist. Please read up on this.
I'm so so sorry. 💐
MN has your back.

I also hope OP feels able to come back - nd to seek support from MN. OP, you aren't the first and you won't be the last when it comes to posters who discover that their partners are abusive - and who find that the collective advice and kindness from MN enables them to get rid of the abuser.

I grew up with a parent who had tantrums and rages like you describe your DH having. When I came home and put the key in the door my stomach would do a flip because I never knew what mood they'd be in and what I'd be walking into. . I and my siblings got very good at walking on eggshells. Not that it was enough because the tiniest most insignificant word or gesture could trigger hours of berating, shouting and slamming doors or anything else that came to hand. They were never physically violent. It has made an anxious people pleaser of me and I've always struggled to stand up for myself. The thing is had my other parent not enabled them, had stood up to them and basically said 'This shit needs to stop or you need to leave' I dont think it would have been anything like as bad as it was. But my other parent enabled it so it went on and was just awful when I was a teenager until I left to go to Uni. I look back now and I can see how bloody wrong it was. Your DH can control his temper he just doesnt see the need to. Please consider what effect your DH's behaviour and growing up in an environment filled with tension is having on your children in the long term.

OP I know how you feel.

The first time I posted on here and was told exh was indulging in "emotional abuse of child and wife ". I felt horrible.

Took me another year or so to separate from him but it was inevitable and I could have saved that year of my life!

He's a dick. You only get one life and you're wasting it treading on eggshells for an ungrateful prick.

Iceinthecider I grew up in a very similar household.
Ugh it's hard, OP if you are still reading and I hope you are, most people on this thread are speaking from experience and not doing this for fun. I understand how you can still love your husband dearly, and know he's not a monster. I just don't think that he is capable of seeing things from your point of view, or treating you and your as dc with the love you deserve

but it’s just walking on eggshells all the time to avoid triggering a flip out.

You appear to have accepted this OP, which is very sad but your decision.

However - is this seriously how you want your DDs to grow up? Treading on eggshells around a narky pathetic man baby? What will that teach them about what to expect in relationships?

And your poor five year old - why on earth is she doing all that shite all day on a Saturday?

Do you have any friends or close family who know how awful your life is? Anyone you can confide in and get some support from?

@fc301 @Iceinthecider Hugs of empathy from me. In our house my mother was the abuser, my father the enabler. I’m NC now too. I can physically remember the walking on eggshells.

@Bathalfcomplainer I know this is a lot to take in. I really hope you come back or start a thread in Relationships.

Taking 2 small children under 7 to that wouldn't be in my to do list, recipe for numerous disasters. He needs to get on with it without you. But with children that small, for outings longer than a couple of hours, emergency underwear/change of clothes bag is always, always, always a good idea. Potty trained or not. And V&D can strike with no warning when they're small IME.

Stop going, sounds horrendous even without the shit and sick. My husband has taken up running and goes to beautiful places to do it. I wouldn't dream of taking the two tinies to watch, they'd be bored to death. Your husband needs to grow up.

@MinisterForCheekyFuckery is spot on with that summary but the OP seems to be keeping her head down (by saying she will, not by disappearing, I have no doubt she’ll respond at some point) I cannot understand how she’s got to this point. 4 activities on a Saturday for one dd? So basically weekends run round her over packed schedule? Ridiculous, she must be knackered.

OP I know this probably feels like you are getting it in the neck from the posters on here but try and remember that a lot of them have been through similar things and are talking from experience. So don't take it too personally. Hope you are ok.

I'm cringing reading your updates OP.

I mean, the fact that you want to keep it all 'hush hush' for fear of rocking the boat and upsetting him, just speaks volumes.

Your daughters will grow up hating him and resenting you for putting up with his boorish, oppressive ways.

I always wished my mum would have divorced my dad when growing up.

Er.. thanks for the benefit of your wisdom @CSIblonde FFS 🤔

Op, I am an intelligent, professional, financially independently woman.

It took me 20 years to leave my now ex. Many of those years I didn't even recognise or acknowledge the abuse, but when I did it still took me years and years to have the courage. It wasn't all bad of course (and that's part of the complex issue).

Be kind to yourself xxx

And my kids (especially the youngest) have struggled BUT it's still the right thing that I did it.

I say this quite often to poor lovely ladies in your boat on here.
I have 2 girls.
We lived with a narcissistic temper-tantrumming man for too long. Of course, he wasn't like that every day. I wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he was! That's why it's so hard to see the wood for the trees.
When it got to the point my heart sank as he heard his key in the door, not knowing whether it would be the funny, helpful, supportive husband or the moody, name-calling, cup throwing husband who walked in, I eventually left.
I have never regretted it. What I regret is that it took me so long to find the courage to go. My 2 girls both have mental health problems from growing up this way. They do see him. Yesterday I had to go and pick one up from his house as he had lost it and was screaming in her face so much he was spitting.
He won't change. But you can.

Twillow - I'd advise stopping contact with the prick. Your girls can't be benefitting from having to spend time with someone who screams and spits at them.

Wow Twillow. I hope you were able to calm your DC down once you got them back. You (and the OP) and your children are in a tough situation.

Thank you all again for your messages of support. It is easy for you all to tell me to leave, but you must know it’s not that easy. I have only told you the worst bits. You haven’t seen any of the good bits. I fully take on board the fact that I cannot necessarily see the big picture from here in the trenches but I need to take this one step at a time.

I am going to use this thread to have a moan when I feel like it. I won’t spend too much time talking about the good days so you’ll all continue to tell me he’s 100% bastard when it’s more like 30%.

Today I left work early because I had a splitting headache. I got home and tried to sleep but barely could. Partner had also left early to go to nursery for a stay and play afternoon. See, this is something kind and loving and generous.

He was kind and sympathetic about my headache.

I went to pick up eldest from school then came home and started dinner. Partner orders food for the week using Tesco delivery to try to save us time. This is one of the things he does on the phone as well as Facebook.

Delivery arrived tonight and as usual it’s a pretty random selection. He’s got vague meal plan ideas but it’s not coherent and always leaves me to do the master chef invention test every night with what we have. I did the shopping order last week and it was more organised but he wanted to go back to doing the order himself this week.

Despite headache still being a killer there is no suggestion that we deviate from our normal evening so off to the kitchen I go.

While I’m cooking, kids are starving so I give them strawberries as a snack. He’s watching Chicago fire. Strawberries are on the floor. I say could you please clean those up. He stares at me and sighs. I clean them up.

Eldest wants someone to go upstairs with her to get her pyjamas. He’s not moving. She’s crying for him. I pause dinner and come out to go upstairs with her, but she only wants him. He pauses and shouts at her for needing someone to go with her, then goes. I assume he’s angry because his TV watching has been interrupted.

Eldest was acting up trying to ride scooter round living room while we unpack the shopping. She rides it into the door and he clips her round the head and shouts at her. It’s a light hit and he says sorry. I tell her that it was wrong for him to hit but right to say sorry when you’ve done something wrong. She’s happy and acting up again within 2 minutes.

I am currently stealing 5 minutes alone upstairs to write this while the casserole cooks. Girls are both watching a phone each while he watches chicago fire. They are all quiet and contained.