To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

If you split things 50/50, then the joint budget must be based on what you can afford. That doesn’t mean you stretch your budget to the limit. It means what you can actually afford and still have discretionary income and savings. So housing, vacations, etc, have to be done on your budget level. This means he will have a ridiculous amount of savings, but he gets his 50/50 split. This is the deal I made with my first partner when we moved in together. He quickly decided that living in the house I could actually afford and only taking the trips I could afford wasn’t worth it and we changed our agreement. He put more money towards those things so we could live somewhere nicer and travel more. I would have been fine staying at the 50/50 split and living modestly because it was no different than what I had already been doing. But not having an emergency fund or any fun money was never something I was going to compromise on.

I'm in a marriage where DH insists on splitting all bills 50/50 despite him earning more than double my salary and me taking a hit in my career due to having kids. He maintains that what's his is his and what's mine is mine and will ask me for any money he's spent on the kids down to the last 10p. Don't do it.

@rumpusboo - does that mean all kids' expenses are yours? Because that doesn't sound like a 50/50 split to me.

OP - the 50/50 thing is not, in itself, the issue. The issue is whether or not you feel you can afford this, whether you will have the same long-term financial stability you currently enjoy and whether there is any room for this to change should your circumstances change. eg if you lose your job, will he start calculating your share of the payments he's now making so that you have to pay it back in due course? How will the cost of a child be worked out etc? Ultimately, do you have similar views on money (sounds like you don't), in which case, I'm not sure this is sustainable long term.

Op hasn't come back maybe one of those where almost everyone goes no no no but they do it anyway (in this case because she desperate for a second child- bad idea!). If u determined to keep at this u should try living together first in his house or yours. Do not have a baby with him until you are 100% confident he will support the baby AND treat his stepdaughter equally without quibble. (based on what you said doesn't sound like he will) Listen to those on here who have ended up with kids stuck with partners like this it sounds like a miserable existence.

Op hasn't come back maybe one of those where almost everyone goes no no no but they do it anyway (in this case because she desperate for a second child

Yep, hence, her name even though she's already a mum! When you already have a kid, your first duty is to that child, not your biological clock. SO many threads on here from people who get pregnant to twats because they simply cannot go without another kid, and from people who are now adults who were the kids from the previous relationship forced to live with a cunt for a stepparent because Mum or Dad needed another kid/relationship/couldn't be alone, etc. It's sad.

SO many threads on here from people who get pregnant to twats because they simply cannot go without another kid, and from people who are now adults who were the kids from the previous relationship forced to live with a cunt for a stepparent because Mum or Dad needed another kid/relationship/couldn't be alone, etc. It's sad.

Yup. I’ve actually accepted that I’m really judgemental now. I grew up in a shitty family dynamic because my mum was too afraid to be alone and had more children than she wanted with a crappy man and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I sincerely hope my husband and I remain together forever, but if we don’t, there’ll be no step parents or blended families for me.

I have two children and they are my entire priority. They’re also my husband’s, as they should be.

Ruminating on this made me realise that at least they are talking about finances before having a child and living together. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound very productive. We know what he wants and doesn’t want but the OP hasn’t said what she expects.

Really we don’t know much about what he needs the money for. It could be his pension provision and the OP could have a big fat company pension worth far more than £800 a month.

She needs to be assertive here but also to be cognisant of her own financial security and independence. I think not upgrading lifestyle pre marriage is probably a good thing if the relationship breaks down.

Don't even contemplate any of this OP. Red flags all over this especially as he has already expressed that he's not prepared to fund your lifestyle!!.....
He is as tight as fuck and he does not have any respect for you at all as a partner!
IME...Money is his first love, along with himself of course!...you will come a distant third if you are lucky!
Keep your life as it is and find someone who has a similar mindset to yourself.

OP this will only get worse. He seems to want a life settled with you but that involves being fair - listen and watch - he’s showing you what he truly is. I would seriously contemplate if it was worth being with someone like this, who jots down every single penny you ‘owe’ him. That isnt a partnership.

No. This won't end here. It won't be a happy living arrangement, with all this focus on 50/50 finance.

I say be careful.

1. It's too soon to throw your lots in together, if he isn't prepared to actually do that.

2. If you sold your house and it all broke down, he'd be fine but you'd be stuffed.

As loads of PPS have said, don't buy a house together. If you are really determined to live together you could rent a property for a year or whatever while renting out your own. I don't blame him for protecting his assets but he does seem too be putting money before your relationship. Whatever you do, don't have a baby with him unless you get married first!

Thing is, when you have a child you really are vulnerable. Your income takes a hit, and when you go back to work you've got high childcare costs. Then your career takes a hit because you're juggling sick leave for yourself and your child, and having to leave to pick up kids. And unless your DP is willing to muck in, you are left struggling with this 50/50 shit. You don't have equitable lives, so equitable split of money doesn't work.

Think very seriously about whether you actually want to continue down this road.

I haven't RTFT but, DO NOT SELL YOUR OWN PLACE!

I think that though he sounds a bit awful actually it's perfectly fair to pay 50/50 as while you earn less you also work less and you're bringing 2 people to the house rather than one. If it were the other way round I wouldn't be happy to pay more for my DP because he chose to work 4 days a week and I'd saved all my life...

His comments are crass though

But the point is that if you don't want to pay more than 50%, you have to scale down your house and lifestyle to only cost what the poorer partner can pay 50% of. Also it's not like there wouldn't be any way for him to have his higher contribution recognised: if they were to own 70/30 or whatever, yes he'd be paying more but he would also have more assets. It's fine for him not to want to do this but it isn't really paying more for his partner, it'd be paying more to buy more assets.

You just can't afford this OP. And I wouldn't have a child and go on maternity leave in this situation either, unless money had been assigned in advance to cover my lost income. I don't just mean vague assurances, I mean a properly costed plan drawn up.

rumpusboo

How do you stay with a man like that?

Well her last thread title was .....

37 and longing for a child..not sure I'm with Mr Right

Well, there you go! 'I'm pregnant and sold my house to move in with 'DP' and he's charging me 2/3 because I have a child already and I'm on mat leave/cut my hours after mat leave/resents my child/charges me 2/3 for my child/gone through my savings to pay for my children/treats my child like shit'. That's like every fucking week on here. But hey, got that other kid! 'Desperatetobeamummy' when you already are! Says it all .

The op has set her life according to 4 days per week and has a mortgage and sometimes holidays and everything is ticking along nicely. She may have to save but she has enough and she is secure.

No way would I put my lot in, with a like that, just mean and does not think of them as a family. After 3 years, that's enough time to know if this person will become your family or not.

Some have jumped on that the op should work full time but why should she??? if she can afford her life on 4 days and spend time with her child.

Also some have said about cocklodging not relevant in this situation and mumsnet is not as biased as they think as cocklodging is mentioned in regard to both males and females.

This is about a man who does not seem to view the op as a true equal and there for me the buck stops. You need a partner and family money as when you have kids your earnings and career take a nose dive.

For all those talking about men, this rarely happens to them unless they get left literally holding the baby. Stats show us that women come out worse in a divorce and 10% of income given in child maintenance, (which quite often never gets paid) does not make it a fair playing field or even close to being fair.

Biology means that it happens to women as standard, it's the norm.

Many have said about how will he treat the ops current child. Op please listen, he is already showing you who he is, believe him. He will not change.

Either have the baby but stay in your own house and current set up but do not give up your security and sell your house. At least if you have another baby, do it in your own space and on your own terms.

Don't mix the two situations, you do not need to live with the man and buy a house with him to have a baby.

OP, you are clearly not after his money, but he is after your. He is using his "all women are gold diggers" line as a flimsey excuse to try to guilt-trip you into paying for him, while you also work hard to keep "HIS" house nice and looked after the children.

Don't do this. He'll make you completely dependend on him and drop you like an old shoe when he is done with you and the next woman in his life will get the same story.

I'm with the pp who suggested 50/50 is fair but costs should be kept to what the party with the least money can afford.

You've started various threads over the last few months and I've just finished browsing through them.
You are having doubts about more than just the financial aspect of this relationship.
Trust your gut.

He fucking weighs the fucking frozen peas!! Christ on a bike.... who does that sort of thing??
Just keep saying to yourself - do I want to be with a man who weighs frozen fucking peas??

I realised after I posted that i remembered your username.

In the last few months you have started various threads including you don't love your partner but want another baby, don't think he's mr right but want another baby, that you find him irritating and that your DS is having behavioural issues at school.

I can't believe that after these posts you are still seeking validation that you should just go ahead and set up home with him. Every time someone says it's a bad idea you come back with a reason it will be absolutely fine. If you genuinely don't believe this move would make you incredibly vulnerable and you can get on board with his suggestion then why would you post?

But your previous posts are not an indication of a healthy relationship. At all. It's sad you are willing uproot your DS or put him in an unstable situation living with someone you aren't sure you love and aren't financially compatible with.

You haven't even lived with him yet but are considering this huge move.

Sorry to sound negative but I really don't understand why you have posted so many times about not really being happy with him and are now even considering this?!

Here we go, so all you are really after is a baby and the financial security with it. And youveondercehy he is bring cautious? Clearly your relationship is really fragile and most likely if it wasn't for bring broody, you would be out of the relationship.

You man is probably not stupid and has suspicions or fears that you might indeed care for him more as a progenitor and banker.

There is no trust in this relationship and it is only going to get worse. Forget about the baby right now. Give it up and find a man who you love deeply and would still do even if he didn't have much money a d/or couldn't give you a child.