To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

The fact is that you've started a number of threads about this guy and in all of them he sounds really, really tight. Surely you know there are better men out there?

He sounds like bean counting Scrooge! It doesn’t really sound like he’s overly invested in the relationship as he’s clearly thinking if you break up with each other he doesn’t want to be left a penny out of pocket! Love is a risk and a gamble and ultimately you should invest in each other’s future. He earns more money and hasn’t got the financial burden of a child currently. He clearly has no clue what actually constitutes a true partnership. He’s demonstrated that explaining he doesn’t mind paying more whilst you’re on maternity leave! What happens if you have a child with additional needs and can’t return to work etc? You are thinking of sacrificing your body and mental health to have his child and he’s only thinking of the additional funds he’ll be shelling out?! I would 100% have my husbands back financially if he lost his job and vice versa! I think it would be prudent to keep your home and comfortable life And find someone more invested in you!

When I lived with my now ex husband, he earned more than me. We say down and worked out what were "family expenses" e.g. mortgage, bills, groceries, and what were individual expenses, e.g. phone bills, car insurance, clothes. I worked out the ratio of his and my earnings as parts of the entire family income, and then worked out what his and my share of the family expenses were. I had a spreadsheet and everything. Then our personal expenses were our own responsibility. He was never happy with it, but I thought it was fair.

Run, my dear. Run like the wind.

Wow. What a situation. Clearly I was too soft with my ex husband. It’s interesting though as I’ve noticed on MN that a lot of couples have separate finances and one pays the mortgage and the other the bills and various other unequal shares of a joint life. When my ex and I got together I was earning twice what he was. I also had a house and he didn’t. I used my equity to pay of my student loans and pay the expenses on selling the house and buying new but then we went into the joint purchase 50/50. We put all money into one pot, paid the mortgage and the bills and then split the rest to spend as we wanted to. I didn’t see the point in me having several hundred quid spare each month where I could buy new stuff and go out but he barely had enough to join me for a meal!! What kind of a life is that. He felt bad at first and wasn’t keen to put the money into one pot but we did it and it worked. We were able to enjoy several lovely holidays before we had our children. It also meant that when I took 2 maternity leaves and he was the bread winner for a change that it wasn’t a huge issue. Unfortunately we did divorce a few years ago but I’ve no regrets on us sharing money.

In all of your threads you make it clear you don't really fancy him, or think he's "Mr.Right" but you are desperate for a baby. You've said he knows how you feel so given he knows all of this it doesn't surprise me he's cautious. You've told him you want his baby but don't think he's your soulmate. I'd be nervous too. I think you need therapy not a baby.

Don’t move in with him!!! If it were me I’d be running for the hills.... why on earth would you consider risking all you have for someone who clearly would never do the same for you!!

OP, "I am not funding your lifestyle" is exactly the line my ex-husband said to me, a man I loved and trusted and had done for many years, after he left for OW in relation to maintenance for our ASD DS. ANY man who comes out with that shit is an utter c**t if you ask me. I'd run like the wind, don't marry him, don't have a baby with him and absolutely do not entwine your finances with him. I am sorry to be so negative, but I know what a man with that attitude has actually cost me...and it's way more than money. Find somebody worthy of you and leave him with his pots of cash issues

I have found this thread very interesting. I posted (quite a long time ago) about a not dissimilar topic. Mine didn’t involve a mortgage, but the fact that myself and my 2 young children were living with my partner (not his biological children), I earnt significantly less than him and he had a much larger disposable income than me, but he was adamant that we pay all bills (including rent) 50/50 because there was only 1 of him and 3 of us! Mumsnet gave me a resounding ‘why should he be expected to subsidise your kids’ and ‘it’s his money’ type reaction, some of the posts were pretty horrible. I am glad you are getting a much (IMO) kinder and sensible reaction. We still live like this and it still causes arguments, although my children are older and I can now work much more 😊. I would say to proceed with caution, it has caused so much hostility in my relationship at times and is a really tricky situation. Good luck x

Keep your house and do not move in with him. You are living a comfortable lifestyle and hve a happy life where as he sounds like Scrooge he has money and is afraid to spend it and is miserable. Totally agree with her dad, enjoy it as u can't take it with u. Don't move!

Look I have been around a long time and the truth of the matter is he has no ability to share and this is so sad. It’s a case of what is mine is my own and there is no fun in living with a mean person. It makes you wonder if they really care or love you.
My father and FIL were both taint with this trait, luckily neither me or my DH inherited this trait. I really hope u are able to move on from this relationship, basically kick him in to touch and good luck.

@Persephone70 I posted the same situation twice (under different user names) - 6 months apart and the two well know teachers ripped me apart the first time I posted - they came to my defence and attacked the school the second time I posted - same story, same people. Funny that.

Woah he’s having his cake and eat it with you taking all the risks with no security he either loves you and wants to share his life with you or doesn’t this who he won’t fund your lifestyle is a huge red flag to me. He sees you a less than already and here you are already bending over backwards to please him. This is a disaster waiting to happen I’d also be a mighty bit curious as to why he’s been single for so so long

@Persephone70

It’s sad, but an accurate reflection of the Mumsnet hoards (like the barbarian hoards but more aggressive 😂), that you would receive the opposite advice to a similar issue. For what it’s worth, if I’d seen your thread, I’d have told you to run a mile. I’d have said what a complete cretin your partner was for putting money above the family unit. But it sounds like you’re making it work, so my advice would have been wrong. Sorry you had to endure viscous comments though.

This is a difficult one!

On the one hand I'd say it comes across as a bit mean as I think that the person who earns more should put in proportionally more to the bills, including the mortgage.

However I can understand that if he has a lot more he wants to feel protected so I would think it might be fair for him to put a larger portion of the deposit but you have an agreement that the money is his if you do split up?

I think your gut is telling you this isn't right.

My husband and I have always paid 50/50 (except when I was on mat leave. I used to earn a lot less than him (about 20k). We have however still split everything 50/50.
I now earn quite a bit more so for once I am the one with more disposable income. I think it varies from couple to couple what works.

Op are you coming back? Why are you prepared to put up with so much crap from a man for the sake of a non existent baby?
Protect yourself and your child that you have

@Kennehora I think when people get together with children in one or both sides then the vast majority pool their resources and live as a family unit.
My experience has certainly been that. I moved in with my partner with my 3 eldest children he put my name on the mortgage even before we had our first child together. We opened a joint account and everything came out of that. We earned roughly the same. I received no Maintenance for my 3 and he paid for his son. We live together as a family and as such there is no difference made regarding who pays for what

@BackinTimeforBeer If you mean who I think you mean, I haven't seen either of them in months and it's been a massive improvement to MN!

I’m not a fan of looking back over old threads but omg this guy sounds totally awful and you have basically admitted you are settling for him just for another baby.

I think that's conclusive!

I wouldn't expect that I should be working to support the children of two other adults? I think if you get together with someone who has children already you should be pretty much prepared to share your life with the kids too and that means you will end up paying for some of their stuff...

Sorry, but sounds like your a grabber.... That's how it's coming across to me.

You want him to put all the risk, while you sit back, then when you get divorced, you'll want half the house!

Yes, maybe for him the risk is smaller, but it's still a risk.

Just because he's worked hard n saved hard, what right does that give you to expect him to pay for it all?