To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

Whatever you do with this man OP do not sell your home. It would fuck you over. I am so glad you can see that. He is thinking oh great I can have an easier life now etc. But you don't know what will happen emotionally in your relationship? And no one can see the bloody future. If it falls apart, YOU are fucked.

Jesus Christ step up and be a good mum to your existing child, rather than trying to get impregnated a second time with an unsuitable man.

Your current set up sounds great - child, job, flat, comfortable. Why jepodose your existing child’s happiness and security?

IMO 50/50 isn’t an unfair split but like others have said that 50/50 has to be at the lower earners budget and careful consideration has to be given around any hits to earnings from ML or reduced hours for child care.

Oh and he doesn't want a baby with you. He wouldn't be fucking dithering if he did. Tell him you need time to think about this and plan your out.

Also about context, if your relationship is otherwise amazing, everyone has baggage, talk about fears etc., but you have to have faith and trust in relationship.

SO many threads on here from people who get pregnant to twats because they simply cannot go without another kid, and from people who are now adults who were the kids from the previous relationship forced to live with a cunt for a stepparent because Mum or Dad needed another kid/relationship/couldn't be alone, etc. It's sad.

Yes, this is far too common. And having read your other threads OP, you're going to end up being one of these people. Prioritise your existing child not your biological clock.

Don’t sell your house. He’s being careful and I think, rightly so and so should you be.

Good luck but, don’t be rash

It sounds like you've both made very different choices in life and both want to keep your own financial independence. None of that is wrong.

What it does mean though is that unless you both have a major attitude shift, this relationship is limited to the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. You can't be partners and you can't share something significant like a house or child - neither of you wants to commit to that extent.

Would you be happy if you live apart? You can both fund the comfortable lifestyles you enjoy right now without arguing over the other's choices.

Personally, the older in life I get, the more this sort of relationship appeals to me. I don't want to give up my financial independence either.

are you really as thick as you sound, desperate for a man, wake up

You’re not married, so sounds fair enough. If you’re not ready to get married, you’re not ready to merge finances.

Hmmm I agree with him.

A relationship should be 50/50, if he later wants to put money in then fine. However to expect him to pay more is ridiculous.

Does he pay anything towards your child?

The OP was 40 in November but 37 the following March. I wish she'd come back and tell us her secret.

Nope 👎🏼 he’s using you to pay the mortgage. This is not a partnership - he’s treating you like a mate

Going to go with the body swerve on this one. Don't put your money anywhere near his and keep your own house and live in it. Stay friends if you want but frankly, you'll have nothing but trouble if you get involved.

Get married before you expect to get the benefits that come legally with marriage.

Erm, it was you who suggested 50/50 in January....

"We were discussing living together and how much mortgage to borrow. I said whatever we borrow we will pay 50/50. We have agreed that owning tenants in common and a deed of trust is sensible."

You’re not married, so why is he so obsessed with 50/50 but whatever, this is who he is and it’s very clear you have a fundamental difference of opinion when it comes to finances.

Don’t make the mistake of treating this like ‘if it wasn’t for this one thing, we would be perfect’ because it isn’t true. You have a fundamental difference of opinion and that difference will only become more apparent the more you try to combine finances.

Keep all houses in your own names.

You live in one of his that you both contribute towards bills 50/50 and you both get income from renting out a house each.

Don't get married. So you both own what you had before and you share the expenses of living in one but he still owns it with no mortgage.

So yes, he's subsidising you a bit because there is no rental income but it's not costing him anything as he'd have to live somewhere anyway and he's saving half the bills.

If he won't agree to this given the disparity in your wealth then I'd seriously consider dumping him.

Please dont give up your home and security for this man ...you and your little one deserve someone who wants to share his life with you ....alarm bells are ringing!!!

Op you really have to decide few important things.

1. How old are you? As pp pointed out 40 or 37?
2. Why do you suddenly claim he wants it 50/50
3. Are you after his money? Or sperm? Or both?

If you are so unsure about him (saying he isn't mr right probably) and his behaviour (cleaning, money conscious, maybe over conscious), you might want to do both of you a favour and end it. He is odd, but I am starting to think you are too a bit. But then, who isn't? You both will eventually find someone you will be happy with.

I got together with a guy in the past.
Different financial situations. Me much much better off. I wasn’t that in to him and so was very very reluctant to invest with him. And keen for any big investment to be 50/50

Then I met the man I went on to marry, and everything and anything went in to “our” pot. Without hesitation.

He’s not committed to you. Simple as that.

I can understand him wanting to ensure he doesn't lose the money and savings he's accrued over the years but from what you've said about his comments and attitude, I'm not sure he totally loves you. If he did, he would put you first, be happy to support you if necessary and also see that splitting costs 50/50 is not fair.
l would step back a bit. Tell him you're not ready to move. That you don't feel secure in the relationship because of his attitude. His response should tell you what his real feelings are.
Or …. only take on a financial commitment that you're comfortable with. If this means a smaller house or such a nice area then so be it. And if he doesn't like that then he can pay the difference.

Buying a house together is as big a commitment as getting married and in some cases more difficult to extract yourself from so if he's not prepared to marry you why commit to buying a house.

-You will feel very poor living with someone who has so much more disposable income than you do.

-He doesn't trust you. Do you trust him to put you first?

• one of the standard reasons for marriage break-up is disagreement over money and how it is spent.

Walk away now OP. Mean men rarely make good life partners.
Far better to split now while you still have your own property and independence