To ask is it fair to split costs 50/50 when my equity and salary is a lot less

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I live alone with my small child. Im 37. I work 4 days a week, my salary is a good salary pro rata but i work 4 days so my take home pay is still good but is lower than my partners. I own my own 2 bed house and have a good amount of equity in it and live a normal, comfortable but not luxurious life! I work hard and have to save hard for holidays etc (like most people!)

My partner is 5 yrs older and bought a house young, he doesnt have kids and bought a 2nd house and has a lot of equity. He earns a good salary and has savings, shares etc of 35k! Hes worked hard and saved hard. Hea almost cleared his mortgages!!!

We are looking at buying together (been together three years). He wants it all 50 /50. He wants to only put in a certain amount of equity so we own 50/ 50 and wants the mortgage to be paid 50 50. I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more. I dont want or need his money and in fact i hate money and the complications it brings. Because hes saved hard and built up all this money hes extra thrifty and slightly obsessed with savings and bargains etc

The other thing we looked at (for various reasons) was him keeping his house and renting it out and me keeping mine and renting it out and buying a new home together. If we did this my disposable income would be £50 a month! And his would be £800 a month because my equity in my home is lower and my salary is lower but id be paying half mortgage and i do have a few more outgoings than him like car finance. He didnt think this is unfair for him to have more disposable imcome because he said hes worked so hard and saved and i have a gym membership etc.. he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"!. Its all so bloody complicated. I said well i cant afford to keep my house and rent it out. He didnt offer to pay more of bills but did say hed pay more meals out etc.

The other option i suggested is i will sell my house and he keeps his to rent out. Weve looked at the new area we want to live and its more expensive. I suggested i may need a little help from him eg him lending me stamp duty and legal fees would mean i could get a slightly bigger home for us. He said he would consider helping but was concerned how id pay him back! My dad makes comments to me like what the hell is he accruing all this wealth for? He cant take it to the grave!

My partner and i have discussed this issue and will do again.. its very complicated. If we had a baby he has said he would pay more of mortgage while im on mat leave.

What do others think?

I actually think he's being sensible, of a woman came on here saying I earn more than my partner and own more property/equity because I've worked hard and been very thrifty, we're not married but he wants me to subsidise him working for days, pay more into a joint property that we would own equally and ensure we'd have equal sister cash even though he has debt that I have avoided such as car finance.. We'd all tell her to run a mile and that he's a cocklodger.
Go fifty fifty on anything new and decide if you can afford to keep your house or not.

Op I don't think your boyfriend is being unreasonable wanting to protect himself bit equally you need to protect yourself.
At the moment you own house you can afford. If you move in with him to the area he wants, to the house he wants- you can't really afford it.

He's not willing to help you out so that you can afford it so don't do it. Please don't sell your house to fund stamp duty etc which is effectively dead money. You could end up with very little.

I had an ex boyfriend who sounds a bit like you boyfriend. We bought a house he earnt more. It was ok for a while he would pay when we went out pay for holidays as I couldn't afford to go and then he got funny about it and I then had to pay my share which I couldn't afford. I would then just say i'm not coming out as I can't afford it and I would then be told I was embarrassing him etc by not coming. It was a head fuck and a no win situation. I was getting more and more overdrawn to keep him happy. We needed carpet for the sitting room it was £500. I was so skint and had to just use my overdraft to pay my half. I remember when he checked his account he had about £15k of saving.
Luckily we had no children. I feel sick now typing this as the awful feeling it is bringing back.

Lots of women often post on here about financial.abuse and I can forsee this as your future if you go ahead with this move.

Don't put yourself in this situation. You're financially secure don't risk it for a controlling arsehole.

@ZippyBungleandGeorge

He could take the option of her owning 30% and him owning 70% and pay accordingly. But he doesn't want to do that.

You're not married & he's not the father of your child. Perhaps it's fair enough to keep your finances separate. If this thread were the other way round (you were the high earner with more savings), then people would be crying out "cocklodger! Protect yourself!"

However, if you do agree to share the cost 50/ 50, then it needs to be based on what you can both afford. This may mean a smaller house than your DP would like

Also, sorry to say it, but if he wanted to marry you, I think he'd have done it by now. Actions speak louder than words

And finally, the irony of you insisting "If we split i certainly wouldn't be after his dosh" when you're after his dosh now! Ref your OP "I feel as though he should want the best for 'us' and should want to put more equity in?/pay more.!"

Not withstanding a lot of the issues raised already, the plan doesn’t make sense for the OP purely from a tax and investment perspective.

Her DP may well have done ok out of his BTL investment in the past but the tax implications of this investment has changed significantly. I very much doubt it would be worthwhile for the OP to rent out her property. First up it means higher stamp duty. Second up, she won’t get tax relief on the mortgage and finally she will be hit with capital gains tax. Then comes the risk of renting. The OP can not afford voids or for the rent not to be paid if she only has £50 a month left over. So this is just not a runner for her.

So if you want to have a committed relationship with this man based on his boundaries then you must set your own. What is your affordable budget based on selling your current property and wanting to have an affordable lifestyle and home. Be clear that you won’t be better off & tell him why. Especially in relation to loss of benefits.

Personally I would stay in my current home and if he wanted to move in set my terms. This would not include joint ownership or any loss of overall income / higher costs for me. I wouldn’t be interested in his previously accrued assets or who he planned on leaving them to unless or until we were ready to have children. That would involve a bigger financial commitment from him.

Doesn't sound right this. I can understand a different split of equity of a new house, based on how much you both put down.

But, household bills should be split according to income. If OP was lady of leisure and only working a couple of days for the lifestyle, then it's a bit unfair. But 4 days/week and with DC, this isn't unreasonable at all.

You have financial security right now for your child and you.

Do NOT give it up. You may never be able to afford it again if things go wrong with him. Which they are likely to based on how you describe him

This man is a user and does NOT have your best interest at heart.

A very similar situation happened to a family member. Shes now living in HIS house after having sold her property and used the proceeds of that to fund her % share of a 5 x holidays a year. He still hasnt married her and no baby with him either.

She's lost her financial security though and is a shadow of her former self.

Run a mile sweetheart x

If he's like this now, imagine how he'd be if you break up.. Nevermind if it isn't amicable. You deserve better OP

Please don't even think about moving in with him - he sees you as nothing more than a potential drain on his assets.
He is a money counter and always will be.
If you stay with him you will be in for a life of penny pinching, meanness and having to ask for everything you need. He'll soon strip you of your own assets, and you will end up reliant on him for everything.
Oh god, I've seen this so many times now, and nothing changes.

he said he '"wont be working hard to fund my lifestyle"

That sums it up. You have a lovely lifestyle and home as it is. This man sees everything in terms of money. I imagine he's thinking, "Hmm I'll save on half the bills if we live together..." Soon it would be "You're at home that extra day per week - you're using electricity on those days so you should pay for that."

I think you should dump him. Don't try to change him - this sort of thing is hard-wired. And next time you see someone, look out for those red flags - the ones this guy is holding are massive and should have been a real warning to you.

I would be saying EXACTLY the same to a woman who came on here with more assets complaining about her male DP under these exact circumstances! I wouldn't call him cock lodger, I'd tell her I could understand entirely why HE wouldn't want to give up financial security for himself and his child. If you can't find some way to have financial equality in a relationship I honestly do not think it can work long term, and that's regardless of anyone's gender. A tight fisted arse is a tight fisted arse regardless of their genitalia!

Dh and I are btl lls. You are absolutely not in a financial position to be a btl ll. You risk all of your financial future by letting out your property. I don’t know how this man can have the audacity to suggest this to you. You could lose your lovely home. Please let me be very clear. He does not care about your financial security, only his..

The risks of being a ll:
Non paying tenants and refusing to leave. You need to be able to pay your mortgage, potential court costs etc
Tenants, who trash the property. It costs around 15k for a refurb. This is extreme but does occasionally happen.
Things going wrong needing to be fixed immediately. This costs far more than a contractor. Eg I paid £600 for a toilet recently - changed the very same day.

You need to be able to access a serious amount of cash and have deep pockets in case something goes wrong. This man isn’t going to help you out. He’d be too concerned with how you’d pay him back and would make the business decision to let you lose your house.

Then there are tax implications. As a ll, your gross income will increase and your mortgage interest payments may also increase so you’ll pay more tax and a higher interest rate. (Tax relief on mortgage interest payments will have been almost phased out by the time you would start renting out your house. Even before you’ve moved in with him, you’ll have to stump up a whole range of set up fees.

As for moving in with him and having a child with him, a couple of posters have explained to you what that will be like. Your future could very easily be a house repossession and visits to the food bank.

My best suggestion would be to get rid of him and get yourself some decent therapy with all the money you’ll be saving by not moving in with him.

I understand you want another child. But your responsibility is to the one you have. I get that primal need. I have only one child and that is not by choice. But I, too, had to come to terms with having an only child. For me it was because of my health. So that would be something to explore with a therapist also perhaps.

I wouldn't call him cock lodger
Maybe not you but similar threads where tge tables are turned certsiy showed that the majority would.

@TheInvestigator or the op could work full time. They will each make their own choices and of those aren't compatible they shouldn't live together. I also don't get the outrage about the gym membership, I have a colleague who always moans she has no money, hints for people to buy her drinks or pick up the tab for lunch, yet she's a member of the local swanky health club around £100 a month for membership, walks in with a Costa every day, bus her lunch most days. The rest of us use the £10.99 a month pure gym near the office, and bring lunch in every day other than in the odd occasion we might go out for lunch. She considers her outgoings necessary, I don't, the OP can only afford half of a smaller house which is fine but seems to expect him to cover the extra involved in a bigger house in a nicer area. If they were at that level of commitment they'd be married, they're not.

Sound advice, Mummy. OP, you'd also have to get permission to let out your property from your lender. It's a non starter. As is selling it to buy a house with him. BAD news. Please don't let your desperation to have another child cloud your judgement and risk your son's security, he's the one who's already here.

You can't afford to live with him within the arrangement he has put forward.

So if he isn't willing to compromise on his arrangement then that's it - you can't afford to do it.

You don't sound aligned when it comes to philosophy on money and relationships to the extent you don't sound compatible in the long term.

Although I feel the arrangement is unfair and would massively make me leave him, it's his right to set out his expectations. Sometimes it's the case that neither of the parties is right or wrong, just not compatible.

Personally if I were you, I'd walk away and view that decision as putting my existing family and my own future first.

@ZippyBungleandGeorge

And who is paying the childcare for her to work full time?

The OP works enough hours to live comfortably and has made the correct choices for her finances. He wants to move into a more expensive house but split and own it 50/50 which she cannot afford to do. He has more money, so of course wants a better lifestyle. But she can't magic up more money, so the fair thing to do is split the ownership 70/30 and split the mortgage 70/30. But he wants 50/50.

Threads like this honestly make me wonder at people’s priorities.

You have a child who has a nice settled life with you.

You’re considering uprooting her, making her live with a man who doesn’t value YOU (and by extension her)enough to help you provide for her properly.

Personally I’d not be considering any cohabiting arrangement when I had children, but at the vestry least it should be with someone who cares for you both and views you as family.

You have a child with him and you create a two tier family.

You’re a fool if you give up your autonomy for this man and the promise of a baby.

Money is the single biggest reason relationships fail. If he's being tight now, this relationship is doomed OP.

or the op could work full time
Absolutely. Working 4 days is a luxury, maybe one that he would enjoy to. If working FT means that they earn the same, than surely that's where fairness of 50/50 comes in.

Having a child doesn't mean an entitlement to working fewer hours funded by a partner. Perfectly fair if they were married and Together agreed to that arrangement but as it is, why should it be taken for granted that he should happily agree just because it suits OP?

I've only skim read the thread but I don't think your OH is being unreasonable. I think if you have an expensive gym membership, expensive sky package spend a high amount on car finance and chose to work PT then I can understand why he doesn't want to fund your lifestyle. He may have made sacrifices to not have these things to improve savings/pay off his mortgage, etc.

It could work if he owned a higher % of the house, and you amended the payments each of you made accordingly.

But I think you need to have an honest discussion on long term plans is he hoping to retire early?

You know what OP? It doesn’t matter if we think it’s fair or not - it’s not btw- the important thing is that you are uncomfortable and he is more interested in his own financial well-being than your comfort.

Mean people don’t change. By the time you are having children together money should be a joint family asset. Even if he loosens up a bit he will always query your spending because he’s spent so long denying himself any pleasure in the name of building wealth.

And let’s face it, he’s not that wealthy. If you decide to proceed with him cover yourself very carefully. And do not have a child until you are married.

Walk away now Op. I know it will be hard, as you must love him, but you will be doing yourself a favour, believe me. The warning signs are there. The fact that you have come on here to this forum and shared this with us, shows you know it’s not right. The thing is, he can’t see that and believe me, he never will.

@TheInvestigator so she stays where she is

I couldn't like with someone who has a school yard understanding of fairness with no more sense of nuance than even-stevens.

This guy has a chip on his shoulder and he is going to be a pain in the ass.