Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

OP have you posted about this guy before? Sounds familiar.

Also, nore importantly how did you two meet? Sorry if I have missed this.

OP you need to focus on the power balance now and shift it in your direction...if you revealed in a moment of weakness something you regret then it might be worth exploring that...say for example you said i hate my ex and he did this that and the other just for example in a moment of rage..the other person might use that against you well they cant if you approach your ex and say I am really sorry but I said this about you..I was angry and upset and I shouldnt have done so but this is hanging over me and someone is going to try to use this information to try and hurt me and the girls then by confronting the uncomfortable things on your own terms and getting it out there then you regain power as they can say nothing which you havent already said....if you get my drift? Look at what you dont want revealing by this man and pre emp what he may say and then go quietly and address this with whom it was about...not a great position to be in but anyone who knows you will I am sure shrug it off and be glad to help you if you explain the situation...block,delete and live your life.It might be uncomfortable but you need to do this,No one can have a hold on you if you dont let them....ask for help and 9/10 you will get it.You trusted someone you thought was a friend that is not a crime,If by any slight chance pictures of a sensitive nature were sent not that I think you would but hey we all do daft things then you need to go to the police...they will help if anything further down the lines comes from this.

I understand why you’d be retisent to do so, but ghost this guy. Honestly, the power you think he has over you is only testimony to what a headfuck this whole thing is- he can’t do anything. Block him and move on.

I haven't no

And no sensitive/innapropriate pictures of myself to worry about. There has never been any insinuation of him asking for anything like that or even flirting. No worries about revenge porn here thankfully.

@Tempnamech4nge Where did you meet OP? How did the friendship start?

@TooManyBiscuitsNotEnoughTea I met them via another friend, so a friend of a friend. We had shared interests and what I thought was alot of common ground. They added me to social media and we struck up a friendship, we'd bump in to each other out and about, catch up over coffee or meet up for breakfast/lunch.

It was a perfectly normal friendship and I had no concerns for the first few years, I was just happy to have a friend who cared so much and made the effort to stay in touch iykwim.

It’s difficult to pull away from a friendship when it’s someone you have no choice but to see most days e.g a colleague but you’re not in that situation. Block his number and reject any parcels you know are from him. Either send them back in the mail or don’t answer the door to the postie.

Sounds as though he is mentally ill and I wouldn’t trust his intentions at all.

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL.

I think you said it in your OP: "I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace."

I wouldn't ghost as he'll keep trying to contact you and maybe involve police etc if he thinks something has happened to you? I'd send the following message:

Hi X, I've been thinking about things and I'm uncomfortable that our dynamic is too intense. I've said before, we don't need- or want- endless gifts. Especially with the baby on the way, I'll soon have my hands completely full so we need to take a break from all the messaging etc. I realise you think you're being kind, but actually I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace. Please respect my request.

I think given all of the red flags this guy has raised then my compliance could easily be seen as a safeguarding issue, or am I reading too far into that and catastrophising again?

No, that's really not a thing to worry about.

Time to strap on your big girl pants and tell him to back off. Do not make vague excuses and hope he backs off.

Your being asked for pics and videos of your kids

Let that sink in op

He gets Arsy if not sent

You maybe being groomed
Ide report him to the police
Phone 101 see what they say

@Guiltypleasures001

That is exactly what I feared people would zone in on, because it's not normal is it? No matter how much he says he thinks of us as family. We aren't. I wouldn't want photographs and to be in the know about each and every detail of any of my friends DC, as much as I love my friends most of which I've known for most of my life.

I'm involved in safeguarding lovely it's the first thing I thought of

He needs shutting down right away
The police should be involved
They will take this very seriously

I think that you can go on a long path as to why, and attribute that they are controlling, or lonely or whatever. I’d never lend money to a friend unless a total emergency, so you also are quite embroiled. It’s not really useful to analyze.

Just set your limits through actions. Don’t reply, don’t accept.

I’d stop talking to them completely if I were you. This is in no way normal at all. Just send him a strongly worded message about how you are not a family in no way shape or form and you want the presents to stop, and then cut contact

I just want to say if they were really just lonely and insecure, they wouldn't demand for pictures/responses etc.. That's someone who's quite secure in what they want.

Sorry, but I would 100% put money on his interest in you being sexually motivated.

When I was living in student accommodation a workman (probably in his late 50s) came around to do something in the house one day. We got chatting and he ended up sitting at the table for a long time, talking about this and that. He eventually had to go, but kept saying how lovely I was and how much he would love to hear from me again. I was aged 20. Social media didn't exist back then but, stupidly, I agreed to exchange addresses and we exchanged a couple of letters by post before it fizzled out. I had a boyfriend at the time and was not remotely interested in him, but it was a mixture of wanting to be polite and also feeling guilted into it.

Last year I found those letters amongst my papers and seeing them after a gap of twenty years made me realise how utterly inappropriate this friendship was. Even if his motives were innocent, what on earth was he doing trying to be friends with a young girl? But if social media had existed, it would have been a lot easier for him to linger on in my life.

Social media has been a creeps' blessing, I am sorry to say.

If you’re concerned about his reaction to you cooling (or throwing a full bucket of ice water onto!) the friendship, maybe consider telling him you’re doing it on your therapist’s advice. Your past MH issues surely make it plausible that you have appointments with someone?

Tell him your therapist believes that your new baby will require your full attention, and that you need to cut down on supporting other people to concentrate fully on your own resilience. He can’t argue with that.

I would just keep it simple and ease it off gently. Don't give him any adverse reaction to feed off, just increase the time between responses, don't stay in for any further parcels, don't send photos ('camera not working / don't have time' and repeat), don't give him any personal info but instead stick with general stuff that you'd share with a complete stranger on the street. Just be non-committal about everything. Not rude or unfriendly, just not involved. And increase the gap gradually. He'll get bored eventually. He'll probably ramp it up at first trying to hook you back in but once he realises you're not taking the bait he'll eventually give up. But just play it cool and friendlyish - 'I'm fine, just busy with stuff' 'Nothing in particular, just stuff' and so on. He can't get angry because you're still on the face of it friendly so there's no risk, but you're reducing contact.

I had almost this exact situation, OP. Firstly, it’s NOT you. He has picked you because you’re kind and nice but also because you have anxiety so he is able to trample over any boundaries you try to set.

Go with your gut. For whatever reason, this has become a toxic relationship and he is trying to make you responsible for his feelings. You are NOT.

Having tried gently to set boundaries, then more forcefully, eventually my DH had to step in and have a word. I blocked the person on messenger and blocked his phone number. Now if he wants to get in touch (he’s distant-ish family) he has to message DH and only between certain hours.

As this man is not family, you aren’t obligated to keep in touch. You owe him nothing.

From the outside looking in it's so blatantly clear how innapropriate it all is, whatever his motivation, which only compounds my shame because as a grown woman I should have picked up on the red flags long before I did and now I feel like a gullible mug.

He has been clever in painting a platonic picture and has made sure he never said anything untoward or remotely suggestive. He has never so much as hinted that he was attracted to me or sexually interested.

I'm convinced now that for him The relationship is about control, but for what reason I'm still unsure of.

I've had male friends in the past who's only motivation to being my friend was because they were interested in me romantically and they always made that obvious before long. I saw this friend as completely different, the polar opposite and that's in part why I valued the friendship and allowed it to continue for so long, because I saw them as a true friend

You have nothing to be ashamed of. At all. He’s chosen you because you’re kind. This is all his responsibility, not yours.

It does sound like he is grooming you and your family. He may be increasing his efforts now because he believes that you are vulnerable because he knows about your MH issues and also that you have split from your partner.

It is inappropriate to accept presents, and that should stop. He isn't part of your family. He only has a hold over you because you are anxious about how he will react on social media. Please stop worrying about that - he can be as nasty on social media as he likes as long as he doesn't become involved in real life. Others have given good advice - with a baby you will have no time or inclination to be on social media and have other priorities.

I do agree he's picked up on a flaw in my personality, I'm a people pleaser and so I'm easier to manipulate than the more assertive and headstrong of people.

His "good morning" message is sat in my inbox unanswered and I've got this feeling of dread about it. I'm not going to respond, he can shove it.

I'm really annoyed about the sense of entitlement and how he thought it was within his right to get annoyed with me for not jumping and responding to his message straight away yesterday. I don't know who he thinks he is.

Thinking the best of people is nothing to be ashamed, the vast majority of people deserve to be thought the best of.

But for an adult who is not a relative and has never met your kids to be that interested in someone else's children is so vanishingly rare that it is time to question what's really going on.

If nothing else it sounds like he is treating you like a pet rather than a person or genuine friend.

I'm reminded of the Fear Obligation and Guilt dynamic people talk about a lot in the context of dysfunctional relationships.